Disabled and married to an Aspie

Hi Hotel California,

I can relate to what you say about feeling unloved and misunderstood.  I now realise that my husband has felt that too and it's par for the course for an Aspie.  From now on I'm going to refer to him as H as it gets boring and tedious to keep writing 'my husband'.  I've put it in bold so that others can see.

And also like you I questioned my own instincts and intuition mainly because of our backgrounds which I have described elsewhere.  I began to feel like a dimwit because H was so well educated.  He is extremely pedantic and so I felt I was being corrected all the time but now I now it's the Aspergers - well partly that because all of his family are pedantic.  I don't know if it goes with the territory of public school education and learning latin.  Grammar, punctation, pronunciation and spelling and anything to do with language seems to really grate with all of them if it's not correct but I would say that he and his father were the 'worst'.  (It's in quotes because some people see nothing wrong in being pedantic.... but that's another argument).

Another thing I can relate to is the fact that you said that if you had known at the beginning it would have helped you both.  Absolutely!   An example of me seeing things differently happened yesterday.  The car broke down late in the day.  I got the Vauxhall dealer's number for H but he didn't want to phone.  He thought it was too late but I looked at the website and it said that they were open until 7pm.  I thought we should get the car booked in asap because I have several medical appointments.  H hates telephones!  Always has and he said he didn't feel ready to phone.  I insisted because there was no point in me speaking to anyone as I couldn't explain about carburettors or anything mechanical (H was an engineer).  I told him it was important to get the car fixed so he must do it.  I dialled the number and he spoke.  When he put the phone down he said "Don't do that to me again".  I asked him if his brain was all scrambled up and he said "Yes" and I said "I know that and I accept it but sometimes I have to override it when it's really important but I'm sorry you felt uncomforable."  Two hours later he said, "You were quite right to make me do the phone call."  This morning we woke up early and he took the car to the dealers at 7.30 in order to avoid the traffic (it just about made it).  When he got back he said, "I wish I'd taken it down last night".   Having pushed it with the phone call I didn't push it for him to take the car there and then but I wanted to.  Well, if it hadn't been for the AS then we might have had a row because I might have said "I've been telling you for ages that we need to get a Motability car which is leased and then we wouldn't have to be driving around in an old one which cost £1,000 to fix on its last MOT.  If you would listen to me sometimes we could avoid these problems."  I could also have said, "What's the big deal about making a phone call?"  But I know not to say anything like that because it's pointless and counterproductive.   His persona to the world is a strong, assertive, intelligent, practical man and most people who know us would find it hard to believe that very often he is quaking inside.

I can also relate to the story of your husband not coming to the hospital for your son.  As you say, it's the blind spot.  The first two times I felt badly let down by H was when I had our children.  I come from a large extended family and my mother had 5 sisters - all of these women are under 5ft tall but they had babies like shelling peas.  I felt fit and well when pregnant.  For the first one we had just moved from one end of the country to the other, bought our first house, I went into labour the same night we moved in.  (The baby was late).  I was full of optimism but I was in labour for 2 days and 2 nights.  The baby was stuck because she was back to front (not breach).  I was in an old cottage hospital run by a little Hitler with a regime of uncaring nurses.  It was a nightmare.  In the end there was a rushed and botched job of getting my baby out with forceps and with no anaesthetic for me.  I was badly injured inside and couldn't walk for days because of all the stitches.  I was also sleep deprived because the ward was full and noisy.  H was my only visitor as my family coudn't get there - no car.  I am not a very weepy woman but when H came in one day I burst into tears.  He gripped the end of the bed and said, "If you don't stop crying I will stop visiting you".  It was as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me.   We talked about it recently and he said "I just wanted you to stop".

I hoped for the second child that we would plan ahead more and get it right.  He had to work away quite often but I made him promise to be there for the birth.  He is not in the slightest bit squeamish and can watch operations on the telly and is interested in the mechanics of things medical.  8 weeks before the birth of our son he came home from work and told me that he was going away.  I said, "You can't.  You promised".  He said, "Too late now. I've said yes to my boss".  I had no-one nearby to help me or to look after our 2 year old daughter.  I had no phone.  He wouldn't have one put in.  Both of the houses either side of me were empty.  There was no call box nearby.  I had visions of hanging out of the window shouting 'Help' if I went into labour in the night time.  My family caught buses to make the 40 mile journey to help me whenever they could.  The birth was easier but of course I didn't know what to expect after the first experience.  What I later found out was that H never even told his boss that his wife was pregnant.  I thought that men like my father and brother would say "I can't go away now.  Our baby is due in 8 weeks and my wife had a terrible time with the first one."  I didn't realise that H would NEVER say anything like that to anyone and when he became the boss himself much later the women in his office used to say "He never tells us how you are" because they did know eventually that I was ill and disabled after seeing me at a Christmas do.

So there I was with 2 beautiful children wondering what to do next.  I did truly believe in working at marriage but I did get very depressed as I was on my own a great deal.  H thought he'd find us a place to rent straight away but it took 6 months because it was a holiday area. People thought I had post natal depression and that might well have been a factor but I knew it was because I couldn't believe what was happening nor why he couldn't understand that the right thing to do was to stay at home until after the birth.  He actually left on our daughter's 2nd birthday without batting an eyelid.    I understand now, more than 40 years on that he thought he was doing the right thing with his career so where I thought he was being selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring he thought he was being a good husband and father.

That's made me feel sad so I'd better go and think about something else....

Hi Hotel California,

I can relate to what you say about feeling unloved and misunderstood.  I now realise that my husband has felt that too and it's par for the course for an Aspie.  From now on I'm going to refer to him as H as it gets boring and tedious to keep writing 'my husband'.  I've put it in bold so that others can see.

And also like you I questioned my own instincts and intuition mainly because of our backgrounds which I have described elsewhere.  I began to feel like a dimwit because H was so well educated.  He is extremely pedantic and so I felt I was being corrected all the time but now I now it's the Aspergers - well partly that because all of his family are pedantic.  I don't know if it goes with the territory of public school education and learning latin.  Grammar, punctation, pronunciation and spelling and anything to do with language seems to really grate with all of them if it's not correct but I would say that he and his father were the 'worst'.  (It's in quotes because some people see nothing wrong in being pedantic.... but that's another argument).

Another thing I can relate to is the fact that you said that if you had known at the beginning it would have helped you both.  Absolutely!   An example of me seeing things differently happened yesterday.  The car broke down late in the day.  I got the Vauxhall dealer's number for H but he didn't want to phone.  He thought it was too late but I looked at the website and it said that they were open until 7pm.  I thought we should get the car booked in asap because I have several medical appointments.  H hates telephones!  Always has and he said he didn't feel ready to phone.  I insisted because there was no point in me speaking to anyone as I couldn't explain about carburettors or anything mechanical (H was an engineer).  I told him it was important to get the car fixed so he must do it.  I dialled the number and he spoke.  When he put the phone down he said "Don't do that to me again".  I asked him if his brain was all scrambled up and he said "Yes" and I said "I know that and I accept it but sometimes I have to override it when it's really important but I'm sorry you felt uncomforable."  Two hours later he said, "You were quite right to make me do the phone call."  This morning we woke up early and he took the car to the dealers at 7.30 in order to avoid the traffic (it just about made it).  When he got back he said, "I wish I'd taken it down last night".   Having pushed it with the phone call I didn't push it for him to take the car there and then but I wanted to.  Well, if it hadn't been for the AS then we might have had a row because I might have said "I've been telling you for ages that we need to get a Motability car which is leased and then we wouldn't have to be driving around in an old one which cost £1,000 to fix on its last MOT.  If you would listen to me sometimes we could avoid these problems."  I could also have said, "What's the big deal about making a phone call?"  But I know not to say anything like that because it's pointless and counterproductive.   His persona to the world is a strong, assertive, intelligent, practical man and most people who know us would find it hard to believe that very often he is quaking inside.

I can also relate to the story of your husband not coming to the hospital for your son.  As you say, it's the blind spot.  The first two times I felt badly let down by H was when I had our children.  I come from a large extended family and my mother had 5 sisters - all of these women are under 5ft tall but they had babies like shelling peas.  I felt fit and well when pregnant.  For the first one we had just moved from one end of the country to the other, bought our first house, I went into labour the same night we moved in.  (The baby was late).  I was full of optimism but I was in labour for 2 days and 2 nights.  The baby was stuck because she was back to front (not breach).  I was in an old cottage hospital run by a little Hitler with a regime of uncaring nurses.  It was a nightmare.  In the end there was a rushed and botched job of getting my baby out with forceps and with no anaesthetic for me.  I was badly injured inside and couldn't walk for days because of all the stitches.  I was also sleep deprived because the ward was full and noisy.  H was my only visitor as my family coudn't get there - no car.  I am not a very weepy woman but when H came in one day I burst into tears.  He gripped the end of the bed and said, "If you don't stop crying I will stop visiting you".  It was as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me.   We talked about it recently and he said "I just wanted you to stop".

I hoped for the second child that we would plan ahead more and get it right.  He had to work away quite often but I made him promise to be there for the birth.  He is not in the slightest bit squeamish and can watch operations on the telly and is interested in the mechanics of things medical.  8 weeks before the birth of our son he came home from work and told me that he was going away.  I said, "You can't.  You promised".  He said, "Too late now. I've said yes to my boss".  I had no-one nearby to help me or to look after our 2 year old daughter.  I had no phone.  He wouldn't have one put in.  Both of the houses either side of me were empty.  There was no call box nearby.  I had visions of hanging out of the window shouting 'Help' if I went into labour in the night time.  My family caught buses to make the 40 mile journey to help me whenever they could.  The birth was easier but of course I didn't know what to expect after the first experience.  What I later found out was that H never even told his boss that his wife was pregnant.  I thought that men like my father and brother would say "I can't go away now.  Our baby is due in 8 weeks and my wife had a terrible time with the first one."  I didn't realise that H would NEVER say anything like that to anyone and when he became the boss himself much later the women in his office used to say "He never tells us how you are" because they did know eventually that I was ill and disabled after seeing me at a Christmas do.

So there I was with 2 beautiful children wondering what to do next.  I did truly believe in working at marriage but I did get very depressed as I was on my own a great deal.  H thought he'd find us a place to rent straight away but it took 6 months because it was a holiday area. People thought I had post natal depression and that might well have been a factor but I knew it was because I couldn't believe what was happening nor why he couldn't understand that the right thing to do was to stay at home until after the birth.  He actually left on our daughter's 2nd birthday without batting an eyelid.    I understand now, more than 40 years on that he thought he was doing the right thing with his career so where I thought he was being selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring he thought he was being a good husband and father.

That's made me feel sad so I'd better go and think about something else....