I’ve just been diagnosed with Autism at 31. I didn’t realise I would have such mixed feelings. When they told me I started questioning whether I had given them the wrong information about my past but my mum was there to back up what was said and naturally for me I have been obsessively looking back at my past when I did have friendships (I don’t really have friends now
).
I used to be so obsessed from pre teen/teen age years with fitting in and making my friends happy etc but I also found I could be very hard on my friends too, I often felt they looked down on me, that they didn’t really care about me or with my friends who wanted a genuine emotional connection I found them way too clingy, I feared they would find me boring once they got to know me, I felt frustrated with them because I was always dealing with their issues (ie boys) but never opened up about my own and felt they never asked (I had a tough time communicating my emotions with others growing up). Sometimes I either expected too much of them or expected too little. I tried to nurture the friendships that weren’t good for me yet never maintained the ones that were good for me. I had specific people I would be insanely obsessive about. I only ever had one friend I felt I could truly be myself around while with everyone else I felt I had to try to fit a mould that suited them otherwise I wouldn’t be accepted. If I did mess up with my friends I would beat myself up about it. I could be insanely jealous of my friends because I felt they seemed to be able to navigate their way socially easier or that they were just overall better than me. I hated falling out with my friends and would get very upset if it happened. My friendships seemed to fizzle out after a few years. The weird thing is I always thought I read social situations well and that I understood my friends intentions reasonably well but now I’ve started to realise that there was a clear issue with my abilities when it came to social interaction. The anxiety, moodiness and sadness I felt was intense yet no one seemed to notice anything. I read back some of my journal entries and it makes me so sad, I hated myself so much because I thought there was something wrong with me, I felt so different yet on the surface I fitted in,why did everyone find it easier socialising yet I found it overwhelming and I pushed myself so much that I lost myself and burnt myself out frequently. By 21 I could not do it anymore. And I feel sad, I feel sad that I had to suffer the way I did, and always alone.
After being diagnosed did anyone else experience this sense of grief and this realisation of negative past experiences making sense?
