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8yr old daughter

NAS88740

My 8 yr old got diagnosed with autism when she was 3 , she has limited speech doesnt speak sentences just words she can say stuff like i want drink and dont like it , but what im struggling with recently is her behaviour she will slap her head , headbut floor walls , if she cant get her own way or if i say no to her she has started becoming obsessed with wanting to take her cover and 2 favourite toys upstairs in her brothers room she wants to be up there 24/7 she cannot be left alone as doesnt understand dangers e.g- window safety , toilets shel squirt a tube of toothpaste out all over mirrors or anything puts a full toilet roll down toilet if i want to sit downstairs i tell her no and shel cry scream hit head lay on floor crying for over a hour this is affecting family now as i have 2 other sons 14 and 6 does anyone have advice?? Has anyone experienced controlling behaviour as this is what i think she is doing

  • in reply to NAS88740

    I genuinely hope to help. You've said she wants to be alone but gets so much attention your sons miss out? This doesn't quite make sense.

    When reading this, it seems to me her external behaviour is similar to other autistics with a deep sense of overwhelming frustration. Children are never controlling - They are always at our mercy. 

    For most autistics when young, the world is beyond our control. Not being able to communicate can feel like continually being buried alive under everything we can sense without the ability to express it. I have been through this.

    Every autistic expresses the same thing as they get older: a sense of incredible isolation, from a loss of translation, the inability to feel understood, or even continually being misunderstood which can lead to deep resentment. If she doesn't seem to bump into things or have terrible timing, doesn't drop a crayon or get frustrated when her intent doesn't match her ability, and her behaviour is intentional, as you've suggested, and she cries when you leave, then perhaps it is a sense of connexion she desires and this cannot be fixed by giving her things or even just attention.

    We give attention to politicians and rock stars. Children need to feel understood and supported. This can account for wanting to be near you, extreme heart break when you feel otherwise and then needing to be alone to heal. Autistics have a different salience network and we feel everything including emotion with an extreme intensity. It only eases up as we gain knowledge about Roles, Relationships and other bits of wisdom. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    She isnt unhappy as we give her everything she wants and more she gets so much attention from us that my sons miss out. I had a look on proprioception but doesnt sound like anything she struggling with i guess its hard to say how it is like without living with her 24 /7 but hopefuly school routines back next week and gets easier

  • Oh goodness. The area in the brain connected to verbal communication is linked to the same area for motor function in autistics. It doesn't sound in the least like controlling but unmet desire, extreme frustration with not having personal agency and feeling overwhelmed from the lack of ability to function like 'everyone else'. She sounds unhappy. Potentially, misrepresented - we all desperately need our parents to believe us.

    I'll have a think for some ideas and elaborate more, but our Montropic https://monotropism.org/ natural state, which is a different kind of 'brain wiring' allowing for a better function in flow-state, can often mean we thrive with uninterrupted space on our own. And when this isn't something we're afforded, we can feel robbed and depleted of a sense of self. 

    Obviously we need to learn 24/7 is not a good solo existence, but time alone engaging in a safe sensory environment can help us grow into our selves and sometimes it's just this time alone needed which can help us grow what we are talented at. 

    I would perform a search on "difficulty with proprioception". 

  • Hi , I am sorry to hear that your 3yo daughter is going through a difficult time. Our page on meltdowns might be useful to help you identify if these episodes are tantrums or something else: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences.

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod

  • in reply to Iain

    No havent got them involved as waiting to see what peadrictian says i got told they would have advice for me :( 

  • There may be some elements of this book which can help:

    Managing Meltdowns and Tantrums on the Autism Spectrum - A Parent and Caregiver's Guide - Jenna Ward-Hawkes, Melissa Rodi (2019)
    ISBN 9781785928406

    It would come under the tantrims part I guess as she is using techniques to get her way.

    Have you spoken to social services about getting support? They often have staff trained in helping you cope with these issues I believe.