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My Sons Struggling

Sues

Hello, 

This is my first time posting, but I’m not sure where to go for some support and our paediatrician recommended here. 
My son is 14 and was diagnosed 12 years ago. In the last 2-3 years he has been really struggling with his ‘differences’ and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to handle this at home and it’s got to the point where it’s affecting my other two children. He attends a SEN school and has done all his life which means he didn’t go to the same school as his older sister. It’s got to the stage where his younger sister is moving into secondary school and going to the same one his older sister and he is so angry about this to the point that he keeps trying to throw away anything she has with her new school logo on it. 
He also gets very distressed every time his younger sister has a conversation with some one as he has some speech difficulties and gets upset that he can’t talk as fast as her (he does have speech but it’s much slower and he also struggles with conversations). 
He denies his Autism constantly - he gets cross if he sees his CEA card or nimbus card and throws away hospital letters / DLA letters etc.

I just don’t know where I can turn for help - I feel like he needs some kind of external therapy to help him come to terms with his diagnosis as everything I’ve tried hasn’t helped at all. I’m on my own with the children and I just feel like I’m not getting any support from anywhere! The paediatrician didn’t seem to have any solutions for support and schools answer was ‘oh he can be like that at school’ and I’m just sure they care or understand the impact this is having on our family - most importantly my son who used to be so chilled out and is just tense and anxious all the time and it’s so upsetting that I can’t seem to do anything to help! I’m aware hormones could be adding to his confused thoughts too! 

sorry for the essay but any words of wisdom or suggestions of where I can do to help would be greatly appreciated!! 

Thank you! 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    It’s interesting you say about a mentor as I was talking about this with a friend last week - we don’t have any older family members on the spectrum so actually maybe it’s more this kind of thing I’m looking for rather than therapy as such. I’m not wanting him to change his feelings, more just to have someone who knows how he feels to talk things through with him. His half brother (dads side so lives elsewhere) has recently been diagnosed and is only 5 and I think at the moment he sees his half brother as Autistic and thinks well I’m nothing like him - he doesn’t understand the concept of a spectrum or how age changes things. I’m jabbering on, I’m sorry … but basically I think you’re right and it’s a mentor im actually looking for! 
    He does go to a club some Saturdays and during the holidays which is just for children with SEN and they have designated ASD days too. All his other extra curricular activities are all through his school. I will speak to school when they are back too and see if they can offer a buddy up with an older child or something. 

    thank you for your suggestions - they really help! 

  • Being a mum of a 20 something adult male, I hate to say it, but young males might simply need an older male who's overcome similar struggles. Even a dyslexic or ADHD mentor will be empathetic and able to help. Is there anyone in the family who's also divergent? 

    What does he excel at? Non-speaking or less access to vocabulary is simply an aspect of a different 'wiring'. He might be really good at geography or building things or with animals, for example. He needs something he knows he can 'win' at in a world he is becoming increasingly aware he's a complete mismatch for.  It sounds like he has recognised how he is perceived, what he is blocked from and responding as anyone would. Therapy won't fix his awareness of reality, which is that he's the odd one out. And no one who is actually unique wants to be unique. 

    It might be worth it to buy a few items from the school with the logo for him, if you can. Sometimes these gestures can reflect a sense of belonging even if I'm not actually going. A mug, a jumper, a pencil case. 

    But also, would he be able to join a group of some sort? A gaming club, for instance? Maybe judo or another self-focused sport where other autistics and more introverted kids might belong, as they'll be much more accepting. 

  • Sues said:
    I feel like he needs some kind of external therapy to help him come to terms with his diagnosis

    Is the school not able to arrange therapy for him? If not I would speak to your GP as there are plenty of services available for children now. His denial of his autism should be grounds enough for the school to take some action.

    Sues said:
    He also gets very distressed every time his younger sister has a conversation with some one as he has some speech difficulties and gets upset that he can’t talk as fast as her (he does have speech but it’s much slower and he also struggles with conversations). 

    How about at places where the family is together he has a little placard he can hold up that everyone agrees is the trigger to pause the conversation to let him have his say. You may need to educate the girls to be consistent in allowing him to do this but it would make him feel he has an active part in the family discussions which should help with some of the issues of exclusion he is feeling.

    He will always be different and probably very acutely feel he is being left behind as his siblings progress normally through the school years. I think a therapist is the best possible approach for this to help him understand he is in fact special and worthy and who can be taught the skills to interact with minimal friction in the family unit.

    The rest of your family also need to undestand their part to play in this and it may take a session or two with the therapist and the girls to get them on the same page with this.

    Therapy starts from about £50/hour so it isn't cheap, but between school and your GP you should get most of this supplied I believe.