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Desperate need of help/ assurance

NAS88327

Hi there,

This is a cry for help really, I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I'm a mother of 2 young boys, 4 years and 10 months. My eldest is currently on the road to assessment, with help from the school and doctors who have been great with support, but the assessment date isn't till next July. I seriously suspect he has ADHD too as he is so hyper active along with a few other symptoms. 

I hate myself for saying this, and I don't say it easily, but I feel I'm starting to lose motherly love for him. He is extremely hard work, and I am absolutely exhausted and at my wits end really. Here's what I struggle with:

He finds it so hard to play by himself - he is constantly starving for attention and entertaining. When we play with him, it's always 'what's next, what's next' Whenever we stop playing with him, he just wanders around aimlessly practically doing nothing or sitting there and chucking stuff or terrorises his brother. We make suggestion after suggestion on what he can play, but he refuses them all.

He wines about EVERYTHING - when we are out and about, he will complain he's tired or just above all frustrated. We have ear defenders and fidget toys for him, but he doesn't like to use them, the teachers seem to think it's because he doesn't see his peers have them. My dreams of going out to Legoland or the zoo are just pipeline dreams as I know I will just end up having a really **** time.

He has NO regard for authority - he would be quite happy to tell a complete stranger to go away. Us, teachers, his grandparents. Whenever we try and give him some authority, he stamps his feet, yells out in frustration or just ends up flipping out and causing chaos. This stops me from ever wanting to set him up with clubs, as I know it'll be tricky, but I know how much benefit he would have from the physical stimulation if it's sports related.

I feel like we've done pretty well with him, everyone says what an articulate, polite, funny little boy he is, and he is. He really is. But since about 4 months ago, when I went back to work part time, I'm just so tired that I can't handle it anymore. I've lost all respect for myself. I don't take care of myself, I've lost my identity, so it's affecting how I am as a parent.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, I just don't know where to turn and my doctor suggested forums, so here I am. 

Thanks for taking the time to read, and please, no judgement, I'm just looking for support and advice.

Parents
  • NAS88327 said:
    He has NO regard for authority - he would be quite happy to tell a complete stranger to go away

    Perhaps you didn’t mean to couple this in but a stranger is not an authority figure- nor should they be. Authority is earned, reliable and supportive. We have to learn as children how to be Respectful and appropriate boundaries - create distance with those we don’t know and are taking the time to get to know. Trust is earned and something we can all feel rewarded by being given in appropriate measures too our ability. Respect is a reflection of who I am. 

    More importantly, this feels hard. So many parents would give anything for their children to want to be close to them and meanwhile, your amazing son actually needs to begin to learn small and effective ways of affording emotional distance as a matter of kindness and an action of intentionally investing in relationships in order for them to last. As a mum of a son who was once 10, I recall thinking it was time to start teaching him healthy intentions to build a partnership someday. 

    From my experience, he sounds ADHD, no question. Many times this isn’t assessed until they arrive at double digits 10-13. 

    A good thing he can learn at home would be “Body Doubling” - doing independent activities together to aid accountability.  

    My son is dyslexic and there are some similarities with ADHD. He’s older now but I’ve always made a point of reinforcing an introverted day- one a week. He could play video games all day (the right ones can be great for regroup) but diminish social activity as much as possible. This is one of the most healthy and productive things from my understanding, which help us value self-care and then begin to recognise how to value it in others. 

    The Autistic and ADHD “brain” tends to sense perceive too much at once. It is incredibly difficult for us to learn not to be too intimate with others or not to be invasive and we don’t realise our lives are spent feeling continually invaded by Elements and how others emotionally impact us. 

    Hope some of this helps!

Reply
  • NAS88327 said:
    He has NO regard for authority - he would be quite happy to tell a complete stranger to go away

    Perhaps you didn’t mean to couple this in but a stranger is not an authority figure- nor should they be. Authority is earned, reliable and supportive. We have to learn as children how to be Respectful and appropriate boundaries - create distance with those we don’t know and are taking the time to get to know. Trust is earned and something we can all feel rewarded by being given in appropriate measures too our ability. Respect is a reflection of who I am. 

    More importantly, this feels hard. So many parents would give anything for their children to want to be close to them and meanwhile, your amazing son actually needs to begin to learn small and effective ways of affording emotional distance as a matter of kindness and an action of intentionally investing in relationships in order for them to last. As a mum of a son who was once 10, I recall thinking it was time to start teaching him healthy intentions to build a partnership someday. 

    From my experience, he sounds ADHD, no question. Many times this isn’t assessed until they arrive at double digits 10-13. 

    A good thing he can learn at home would be “Body Doubling” - doing independent activities together to aid accountability.  

    My son is dyslexic and there are some similarities with ADHD. He’s older now but I’ve always made a point of reinforcing an introverted day- one a week. He could play video games all day (the right ones can be great for regroup) but diminish social activity as much as possible. This is one of the most healthy and productive things from my understanding, which help us value self-care and then begin to recognise how to value it in others. 

    The Autistic and ADHD “brain” tends to sense perceive too much at once. It is incredibly difficult for us to learn not to be too intimate with others or not to be invasive and we don’t realise our lives are spent feeling continually invaded by Elements and how others emotionally impact us. 

    Hope some of this helps!

Children
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