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Desperate need of help/ assurance

NAS88327

Hi there,

This is a cry for help really, I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I'm a mother of 2 young boys, 4 years and 10 months. My eldest is currently on the road to assessment, with help from the school and doctors who have been great with support, but the assessment date isn't till next July. I seriously suspect he has ADHD too as he is so hyper active along with a few other symptoms. 

I hate myself for saying this, and I don't say it easily, but I feel I'm starting to lose motherly love for him. He is extremely hard work, and I am absolutely exhausted and at my wits end really. Here's what I struggle with:

He finds it so hard to play by himself - he is constantly starving for attention and entertaining. When we play with him, it's always 'what's next, what's next' Whenever we stop playing with him, he just wanders around aimlessly practically doing nothing or sitting there and chucking stuff or terrorises his brother. We make suggestion after suggestion on what he can play, but he refuses them all.

He wines about EVERYTHING - when we are out and about, he will complain he's tired or just above all frustrated. We have ear defenders and fidget toys for him, but he doesn't like to use them, the teachers seem to think it's because he doesn't see his peers have them. My dreams of going out to Legoland or the zoo are just pipeline dreams as I know I will just end up having a really **** time.

He has NO regard for authority - he would be quite happy to tell a complete stranger to go away. Us, teachers, his grandparents. Whenever we try and give him some authority, he stamps his feet, yells out in frustration or just ends up flipping out and causing chaos. This stops me from ever wanting to set him up with clubs, as I know it'll be tricky, but I know how much benefit he would have from the physical stimulation if it's sports related.

I feel like we've done pretty well with him, everyone says what an articulate, polite, funny little boy he is, and he is. He really is. But since about 4 months ago, when I went back to work part time, I'm just so tired that I can't handle it anymore. I've lost all respect for myself. I don't take care of myself, I've lost my identity, so it's affecting how I am as a parent.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, I just don't know where to turn and my doctor suggested forums, so here I am. 

Thanks for taking the time to read, and please, no judgement, I'm just looking for support and advice.

  • NAS88327 said:
    He has NO regard for authority - he would be quite happy to tell a complete stranger to go away

    Perhaps you didn’t mean to couple this in but a stranger is not an authority figure- nor should they be. Authority is earned, reliable and supportive. We have to learn as children how to be Respectful and appropriate boundaries - create distance with those we don’t know and are taking the time to get to know. Trust is earned and something we can all feel rewarded by being given in appropriate measures too our ability. Respect is a reflection of who I am. 

    More importantly, this feels hard. So many parents would give anything for their children to want to be close to them and meanwhile, your amazing son actually needs to begin to learn small and effective ways of affording emotional distance as a matter of kindness and an action of intentionally investing in relationships in order for them to last. As a mum of a son who was once 10, I recall thinking it was time to start teaching him healthy intentions to build a partnership someday. 

    From my experience, he sounds ADHD, no question. Many times this isn’t assessed until they arrive at double digits 10-13. 

    A good thing he can learn at home would be “Body Doubling” - doing independent activities together to aid accountability.  

    My son is dyslexic and there are some similarities with ADHD. He’s older now but I’ve always made a point of reinforcing an introverted day- one a week. He could play video games all day (the right ones can be great for regroup) but diminish social activity as much as possible. This is one of the most healthy and productive things from my understanding, which help us value self-care and then begin to recognise how to value it in others. 

    The Autistic and ADHD “brain” tends to sense perceive too much at once. It is incredibly difficult for us to learn not to be too intimate with others or not to be invasive and we don’t realise our lives are spent feeling continually invaded by Elements and how others emotionally impact us. 

    Hope some of this helps!

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, this is all really helpful, I'm all for self help books. I especially like the sounds of the activity book.

    Thanks again

  • in reply to DeSpereaux
    DeSpereaux said:
    No judgement. It’s not easy dealing with odd and unrewarding behaviour I’m sure, especially if it’s challenging behaviour. No judgement at all.

    I would echo this - you have a huge amount on your plate so your feelings are quite normal.

    I don't have any first hand experience from which to offer advice, but some of these books may help you:


    CBT Toolbox for Children and Adolescents - Over 220 Worksheets & Exercises for Trauma, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, Depression & Conduct Disorders - Lisa Phifer, Amanda Crowder, Tracy Elsenraat, Robert Hull
    ISBN 9781683730750
        
    Everyday activities to help your young child with autism live life to the full - Debra S Jacobs, Dion E Betts
    ISBN 9781849052382

    Asperger's Answer Book - The Top 275 Questions Parents Ask - Susan Ashley PhD (2006)
    ISBN 1402219776

    Asperger's Syndrome - A Guide for Parents and Professionals - Tony Attwood (2008)
    ISBN 9781843106692

    Asperger's Syndrome - A Guide to Helping Your Child Thrive at Home and at School - Melinda Docter, Ed.D._ Syed Naqvi, MD (2010)
    ISBN 9780470140147

  • No judgement. It’s not easy dealing with odd and unrewarding behaviour I’m sure, especially if it’s challenging behaviour. No judgement at all.

    If he takes cues from his peers as to what to do, is it possible to try to set him up with a friend to see if he can review his behaviours though peers. I’m not sure whether or not he is being described as ‘polite, articulate, and funny’ around everyone, or whether people observe him being that way with his peers and make comment. If the latter is the case maybe giving him opportunities for peer-review might be interesting.

    Conversely he may be feeling anxious around his peers and what you are seeing in a private setting, is actually him venting from all of the masking he may be doing, by being ‘polite, articulate, and funny AT his peers’. It’s interesting that you say he doesn’t respond to authority in general, maybe his biggest challenge is trying to fit in with his peers, it would be an interesting development to know if his neediness is actually sensory-soothing behaviour.

    Such methods that work for me when I am overloaded: is the validation of my feelings, not asking me to revisit trauma, listening to my venting, not giving advice, not engaging in ‘social’ interaction (as that is the source of overload), reassuring that it will pass, distracting with special-interest. 
    Though I dont assume to know what may work or what is the case for you son, you will know him better than most/all, even when considering that you feel discouraged..:)

    As for your feelings, they are valid, you are doing nothing wrong by feeling anything. I don’t know how easy it is for you to get a moment to yourself, but I think you should seek some TLC, you need it too, you are human.. You’ve started part-time work and that hardly counts as getting alone time, you have young children and it’s hard to get that at home, so I think you should consider yourself more, because it’s seems like you’re stressed..:) 

    I hope there is a fragment of appeal to something that I’ve said, the fact that you’ve taken that emotional-weight onto yourself and bore it, speaks buckets about your character..:)