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Recent Diagnosis, pre teen reluctant to socialise

NAS86176

Hi there, im completely new here so please forgive me for not knowing what im doing!

my sons almost 13, only recently been diagnosed with ASD. i cant tell you if hes an average autistic pre teen as i have no one else to compare him too. hes calm,  hes kind, gentle, loving, caring, very talented with music, hes well behaved - never have any trouble from him. he was very premature at birth and we just assumed he was playing catch up with his peers but he just never "caught up". we fought for ages to get a diagnosis and that was just traumatic. CAMHS put us through hell if im honest. anyway... i just want to no if anyone else's child isn't keen on socialising out of school? i believe he has a good group of mates at school, and it appears they all have either autism or ADHD themselves. everything i suggest for him outside of school is answered with "no". ive looked into youth clubs, ask him if he'd like mates round after school, for him to invite people out with us, or to meet them down our local park etc. he just has no interest at all. he doesn't seem bothered whatsoever, but i just get so sad. hes a lone child (he has 3 siblings from his father but doesn't see them). i just feel like im pushing him to be an average 13yr old. i see groups of kids playing in the park or riding round on their bikes together and i just get upset. hes not depressed and doesn't suffer low mood. i think he suffers anxiety and does have mild tourettes.

im being tested for ASD myself and i keep thinking back to when i was his age, and try comparing myself to him. i had a few sleep overs but i dont remember if i was ever bothered about going out. i no i became more sociable as i got older but never quite felt the same as my peers. 

sorry but suffering anxiety myself and trying to understand this new diagnosis!

  • I totally understand your worries with this. My daughter is 13 and recently diagnosed as autistic. I've found it difficult to get the point where I can accept that her social life isn't going to look like like that of a lot of kids at school. She finds socialising so stressful though that we've had to pull her out of school entirely. Long story! I would say that if he's happy just socialising in school, I would relax and just let him stick with that. He's likely to need lots of down time away from social situations and it's good for him to be able to socialise at a pace that works for him. It's great that he's got a group of neuro diverse friends and from my own experience (also autistic and adhd), I was quite similar during secondary school - I had a little group of friends at school, but rarely wanted friends over and I didn't  feel like I was missing out by not having a busy social life outside of school hours. I really like my own company and just doing things on my own. I felt the social obligation to have friends over and sometimes felt bad that I wasn't doing what I was 'meant to', but I was actually much happier keeping my home life restful and separated from my social life. During my sixth form years and beyond, I got more into meeting up with friends. Because of my perception of what is a normal amount of socialising, I sometimes spent a lot more time meeting up with people than I was comfortable with, which was ultimately pretty disastrous for me emotionally. Now I've learnt to pace myself so I get some regular socialising time along with my (absolutely obligatory) alone time too.

    It's really hard to relax and feel confident that we're doing the right thing with children who are often so different to the norm, but it sounds like you've been doing a great job and that he's doing really well socially too. Good luck to you all!

  • Hi, I wouldn't worry about him not wanting to socialise outside school. School can be quite overwhelming and it's very understandable to need some down time and alone time after being around people all day. It's great that he has mates at school. To me it doesn't sound like there is anything at all to worry about. In fact, it is quite healthy and good to recognise when you need to have some time alone and to not push yourself too much to 'comply with the expectations/ social norm'. I wouldn't worry and I wouldn't push it. It's important he can be himself and it sounds like he might also enjoy spending some time on his own after school. You have suggested having friends over, so he knows this is an option- maybe he'll feel like in the holidays when there is less socialising already at school, but maybe he won't and that is fine. I am autistic as well, and I do like seeing people sometimes, but also need plenty of alone time and especially when I am tired, overwhelmed or around people all day, I really do not have the capacity for any socialising (sometimes not even a phone call). In the past, I pushed myself more, but ultimately that just exhausted me and contributed to burnout. I think it is so so important to listen to your needs and learn to do what is good for YOU no matter the social norm. It sounds like your son is doing exactly that! Which is great! So I wouldn't worry!!! Best, Ann