• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 68 subscribers
  • Views 1013 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

How to prepare daughter for huge changes at school in September when you don't know yourself

ParentingAutism

Last day today for her, she didn't go in. Staff said there was emergency repairs on the road therefore couldn't get a car out to her. In the end she decided to phone the school asking for a check in then got the bus to the town her school is in to say goodbye to a teacher who was leaving.

I have been emailed about changes happening during the holidays ready for September. They are doing a new layout of the school and new timetable layouts and new staff including current staff changing teaching roles to teach something else. I can't explain the changes much because you need to know what before was like to know what the new will be. 

I don't really know what's happening myself and she keeps asking questions which I can't answer so she's getting upset and anxious. She will also be getting the bus to and from school which is a new change aswell. 

I have said to her that she can look at the school throughout the holidays, once or twice a week so she can see the gradual change from outside the school and also to practice getting the bus again, getting into a routine. 

How can I help her exactly because I have no clue what is going on except that this change is absolutely massive and I'm not even joking or exaggerating. It's going to be a tough summer holidays the way we are going. 

  • in reply to This Person (Ottilie)

    Thank you so much, this is really helpful. We are using the 20 minutes a day to talk about it and most of the days she hasn't needed to which is nice. I have gone through a changes worksheet for all the changes in September about the positives and negative about it which has helped. I have also said once a week she can go to town on the bus, which is a double decker, and they sit at the top so they can now overlook the school seeing any new changes and to also go and buy a new sensory toy to have ready for September. I just don't know how to support the change when she needs to get the bus by herself. She is fine getting it with her sister but in the past she was extremely anxious on a day to day basis getting it to a local mainstream school. 

    I was think that nearer the time her sister could sit at the back of the bus so she is with her if needed but also to practice her not being there but her sister has separation anxiety and severe anxiety already so that won't work. Any tips will be grateful.

  • in reply to ParentingAutism
    ParentingAutism said:
    Over the summer the school is having a new layout and changes ready for the first day back in September. That is all we know.

    <engaging problem solving mode>

    I can think of a few approaches to this, but all take some effort:

    1 - contact the council who probably own the school. Explain the situation briefly and say that it would make a tremendous difference if you could find this out or get 10 mins with the person in charge of the project to speak to you and your daughter.

    There may be someone there willing to help.

    2 - Try reaching out to the board of trustees of the school to try the same thing.

    3 - contact the local press, tell them the story and ask if they can suggest anything. They may want to do a "human interest" piece on this as they love this sort of thing and they would probably have different ways of getting access to the project info / project managers. Everyone likes a positive story in their local paper after all.

    4 - if you know other parents whose kids want the same sort of thing, maybe get together and put in a letter in all your names to the school - it may carry more weight.

    I would think about structuring the questions you have so they answer the questions your daughter has and give a more complete picture of the changes for others - it would make this info much more appetising to share amongst other parents to save the school time in disseminating it.

    In your appeals to these people I would emphasise that your daughter is disabled - this may be manipulative but it should pull at the heart strings of some involved.

    That's all I can think of now - time for breakfast for me now.

  • in reply to ParentingAutism

    Hi ParentingAutism,

    You can't prepare your daughter when you don't know yourself so try not to focus on that for now. I know how difficult that is because your daughter wants answers but you cannot give her that. My son used to be the same with me. Instead I would focus on what will stay the same and help her build up coping strategies for dealing with change. The "insistence on sameness" is a way of coping but there are other ways of coping too. 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/dealing-with-change/all-audiences

    Maybe write down her questions and leave space for when you know the answer. If she is a visual learner then it may be enough to have that thought out of her head and on paper and it looks more "organised" that way, rather than the questions keep floating around in her head, if that makes sense. That's one of the strategies I use (I'm autistic too). Mind maps also work for me for when I find something overwhelming. There are lots of tutorials about how to mind map online.

    Do you use a calendar? It could help to put in a calendar when things will happen over the next 6 weeks or so. Breaking down time gives structure to the school holidays. Include fun things too, obviously. 

    Also, work with autistic strengths to aid her and yourself - for example, make a rule between you that she can worry about September for 20 minutes twice a day and ask the questions only in that time. This works for my son because he loves rules and knowing what he needs to do. It may not work for everyone, you know your daughter best. If she asks her questions outside of that "worry time" remind her to save it for the next session. Remind her of other coping strategies if the feelings behind why her mind is ruminating on the questions are overwhelming her. These are all good skills to learn as she becomes more independent. This is something I still work on with my son because he uses me as his emotional regulator when he's overwhelmed. It takes time but it is worth finding strategies that work for you both. 

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for the links, very helpful. 

    Iain said:
    Do you know when you will know - maybe use that as the thing she can have as a certainty.

    Over the summer the school is having a new layout and changes ready for the first day back in September. That is all we know. We have a list of new and current staff and what they will be teaching. Also the new layout of the school but that is it. She has so many questions I just can't answer and the school will not respond to calls, messages, emails until the first day back. That is why I said she can get the bus and see what is happening. 

  • ParentingAutism said:
    I don't really know what's happening myself and she keeps asking questions which I can't answer so she's getting upset and anxious. S

    Do you know when you will know - maybe use that as the thing she can have as a certainty.

    ParentingAutism said:
    How can I help her exactly because I have no clue what is going on except that this change is absolutely massive

    Maybe try working through the change as a story with her - draw analogies of the ugly duckling turning into a swan, the egg opening to reveal a chick, a tiny acorn growing into a mighty oak etc.

    Make the mystery of the unknown intriguing - something exciting to look forward to.

    Could you maybe ask the school to arrange a visit to see progress and get "VIP" access to make her feel special and a part of the change?

    I found a few other links that may have nuggets of wisdom for you to consider:

    https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/cope-with-change.html

    https://jillkuzma.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/teaching-kids-about-change-using-the-5-point-scale/