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Challenges of being Parent of Young adult with autism - any advice ??

Suzanne

Hi,

I have just joined this forum as I am a parent of an adult of 20 who received an autism diagnosis last year. I encouraged my son to seek a diagnosis because he has really struggled since leaving school to find his way. He has dropped out of two college courses, he doesn’t seem to be able to apply himself, and he has had two part time jobs which he has left after a few months because he found them too boring and difficult. I have tried to encourage him to find work but he is not interested. I know it sounds like a cliche but he spends most of his time in his room playing computer games. He stays up late and sleeps until around 1 if I don’t ask him to get up. We end up having a lot of arguments, he is very oppositional and demand avoidant. If I ask him to help with housework it usually ends in an argument and he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me, swearing and calling me a b**ch. he sees me as being overly critical of him, which I know has been a problem in the past, I didn’t know much about autism or even that he had the condition - since finding out , I have tried to learn and change how I deal with him but I do still get frustrated because his behaviour is very challenging. I feel that he sometimes uses  his diagnosis is a licence to avoid doing anything he doesn’t want to do. Last night he had a melt down after I asked him to wash his dishes, we had an escalating row which ended in me asking him to leave the house because of his abusive language and threatening behaviour. I am now regretting how I handled this situation but he was being very abusive towards me and I was at my wits end. He is now staying with a friend. Today I contacted him by text to say he could come home but I would like him to follow basic ground rules of helping more around the house and going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time. This resulted in another barrage of abuse from him, basically saying I don’t understand anything about his condition and am a terrible parent who has caused all of his problems. It’s really upsetting because I feel I’ve tried to help him but everything I do  is interpreted as me being controlling or meddling. 
Anyway, I wanted to reach out on this forum to see if there are any parents of adults with autism with similar experiences and how have you managed your situation. Thanks for any advice. 

Parents

  • You are not alone our son is similar and we had that moment where he was bordering on abusive and we sent him to have a few days with his brother so we could negotiate a way of living together that works for both of us ,

    He wouldn’t come back, turning down the lift and bed at his brothers he chose to sleep outside Tescos telling everyone he’d been made homeless which wasn’t true.

    in the end he got sheltered accommodation .

    He now admits he wasn’t made homeless he wanted to be independent. He had to go on benefits to get the housing but had refused to work of go on benefits for a couple of years at home .

    things are not the best but our relationship has improved and he calls us most days for s chat .

  • in reply to NAS84594

    I think the story above indicates that it’s important to resolve these difficulties way before they get to crisis point. To have a young autistic person sleeping rough outside a supermarket is obviously unsafe for them, and I would be worried sick if my son was doing that. If we can maintain trust and communication with our children throughout their childhoods then hopefully a situation like that can be avoided. Navigating life a an autistic child and young adult can be incredibly difficult and they are often under a tremendous amount of pressure. Sometimes that can be expressed in meltdowns, shutdowns, depression etc - so they are not always ‘at their best’ for obvious reasons. What they need is to know that their parents are 100% on their side through thick and thin. Obviously abusive behaviour is unacceptable from anyone but there are ways to deal with that and to prevent it too most of the time. Autistic people are at higher risk of suicide, and young men are at higher risk of suicide too. The option of ‘laying down the law’ and issuing lots of rules and ultimatums when someone might be very vulnerable can have serious outcomes (like the young man above who ended up sleeping rough) - it’s best avoided. Our children need kindness and understanding. The rest of the world is often judging them, the education system can be often be traumatic for them, so home needs to be a safe place, ‘a soft place to fall’, somewhere they can relax and unwind, and recover from the tension of being an autistic person in a neurotypical world. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel
    Kate Kestrel said:
    The option of ‘laying down the law’ and issuing lots of rules and ultimatums when someone might be very vulnerable can have serious outcomes (like the young man above who ended up sleeping rough) - it’s best avoided.

    To be fair to NAS84594,they did say:

    NAS84594 said:
    He now admits he wasn’t made homeless he wanted to be independent.

    I think in most cases a known framework of rules and punishments is probably important in their lives at that stage - there is a natural predisposition to rebel by teenagers (especially males) and the complications of autism in understanding what we feel and how we chose to express it make it a turbulent time for us.

    Having that safety of knowing there is a safe option to choose is often the think that stops us going off the rails completely.

    Kate Kestrel said:
    Our children need kindness and understanding.

    But they also need to be treated as adults - to continue treating them as children is going to make them act out even more in many cases. To give them the safety net of the family support if they don't act like a a-hole is not a big ask at all.

    It also gives an soft introduction to what they are about to face in the "big, bad" world of work or further education where actions have much more serious consequences.

  • in reply to NAS84594

    None of us can truly understand the workings of another persons family. I don’t there is judgement here, it’s just people sharing their own personal experience in case it might be helpful. If it’s not helpful then please ignore it. Your experience is obviously very painful and complex and I’m really sorry that your whole family have experienced so much distress. I hope things will improve in time for all of you. 

  • in reply to Iain

    That’s very kind of you to apologise Iain - thank you. I do understand where you’re coming from and everyone has their own approach, and everyone is different. I think I probably have been very fortunate in that my children maybe have the type of nature that made my job as a parent easier in terms of confrontation etc. The vast majority of the time they were just really well behaved. So I don’t pretend to have the answers for anyone else, I’m just sharing my experience as you are and it’s all valid and only intended to help for all of us I’m sure :) 

    In terms of what I’d do I stick with an approach of ‘let’s wipe the slate clean and state afresh with no judgement’ - even if it’s been tried previously. But you really have to MEAN it - no judgement. Genuine forgiveness without grudges. Most people don’t WANT conflict with their parents. Like every problem in live you have to be a bit of a detective, in a very gentle sense with loved ones and relationships. I don’t believe many people don’t respond to love, compassion and a true desire to help. I believe it’s always possible to improve a relationship if there is still love there. And I don’t believe that relationships improve with a mindset of ‘punishment’. The very concept implies a power imbalance - and this young man is 20 - he’s not a child and so there should not be a power imbalance in a way their sort of has to be with young children. 

    Ultimately we all want to be loved, to be understood, to be valued and to be happy. I’m sure this woman’s son is not enjoying things being like this, and I’m sure he wants things to be better too. He’s probably lonely and wants to have a good relationship with his family. Deep down he will want to change the situation too. 
    I believe there is huge hope that that can and will happen. 

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    That’s very kind of you to apologise Iain - thank you. I do understand where you’re coming from and everyone has their own approach, and everyone is different. I think I probably have been very fortunate in that my children maybe have the type of nature that made my job as a parent easier in terms of confrontation etc. The vast majority of the time they were just really well behaved. So I don’t pretend to have the answers for anyone else, I’m just sharing my experience as you are and it’s all valid and only intended to help for all of us I’m sure :) 

    In terms of what I’d do I stick with an approach of ‘let’s wipe the slate clean and state afresh with no judgement’ - even if it’s been tried previously. But you really have to MEAN it - no judgement. Genuine forgiveness without grudges. Most people don’t WANT conflict with their parents. Like every problem in live you have to be a bit of a detective, in a very gentle sense with loved ones and relationships. I don’t believe many people don’t respond to love, compassion and a true desire to help. I believe it’s always possible to improve a relationship if there is still love there. And I don’t believe that relationships improve with a mindset of ‘punishment’. The very concept implies a power imbalance - and this young man is 20 - he’s not a child and so there should not be a power imbalance in a way their sort of has to be with young children. 

    Ultimately we all want to be loved, to be understood, to be valued and to be happy. I’m sure this woman’s son is not enjoying things being like this, and I’m sure he wants things to be better too. He’s probably lonely and wants to have a good relationship with his family. Deep down he will want to change the situation too. 
    I believe there is huge hope that that can and will happen. 

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