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Challenges of being Parent of Young adult with autism - any advice ??

Suzanne

Hi,

I have just joined this forum as I am a parent of an adult of 20 who received an autism diagnosis last year. I encouraged my son to seek a diagnosis because he has really struggled since leaving school to find his way. He has dropped out of two college courses, he doesn’t seem to be able to apply himself, and he has had two part time jobs which he has left after a few months because he found them too boring and difficult. I have tried to encourage him to find work but he is not interested. I know it sounds like a cliche but he spends most of his time in his room playing computer games. He stays up late and sleeps until around 1 if I don’t ask him to get up. We end up having a lot of arguments, he is very oppositional and demand avoidant. If I ask him to help with housework it usually ends in an argument and he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me, swearing and calling me a b**ch. he sees me as being overly critical of him, which I know has been a problem in the past, I didn’t know much about autism or even that he had the condition - since finding out , I have tried to learn and change how I deal with him but I do still get frustrated because his behaviour is very challenging. I feel that he sometimes uses  his diagnosis is a licence to avoid doing anything he doesn’t want to do. Last night he had a melt down after I asked him to wash his dishes, we had an escalating row which ended in me asking him to leave the house because of his abusive language and threatening behaviour. I am now regretting how I handled this situation but he was being very abusive towards me and I was at my wits end. He is now staying with a friend. Today I contacted him by text to say he could come home but I would like him to follow basic ground rules of helping more around the house and going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time. This resulted in another barrage of abuse from him, basically saying I don’t understand anything about his condition and am a terrible parent who has caused all of his problems. It’s really upsetting because I feel I’ve tried to help him but everything I do  is interpreted as me being controlling or meddling. 
Anyway, I wanted to reach out on this forum to see if there are any parents of adults with autism with similar experiences and how have you managed your situation. Thanks for any advice. 

Parents

  • You are not alone our son is similar and we had that moment where he was bordering on abusive and we sent him to have a few days with his brother so we could negotiate a way of living together that works for both of us ,

    He wouldn’t come back, turning down the lift and bed at his brothers he chose to sleep outside Tescos telling everyone he’d been made homeless which wasn’t true.

    in the end he got sheltered accommodation .

    He now admits he wasn’t made homeless he wanted to be independent. He had to go on benefits to get the housing but had refused to work of go on benefits for a couple of years at home .

    things are not the best but our relationship has improved and he calls us most days for s chat .

Reply

  • You are not alone our son is similar and we had that moment where he was bordering on abusive and we sent him to have a few days with his brother so we could negotiate a way of living together that works for both of us ,

    He wouldn’t come back, turning down the lift and bed at his brothers he chose to sleep outside Tescos telling everyone he’d been made homeless which wasn’t true.

    in the end he got sheltered accommodation .

    He now admits he wasn’t made homeless he wanted to be independent. He had to go on benefits to get the housing but had refused to work of go on benefits for a couple of years at home .

    things are not the best but our relationship has improved and he calls us most days for s chat .

Children
  • in reply to NAS84594

    I think the story above indicates that it’s important to resolve these difficulties way before they get to crisis point. To have a young autistic person sleeping rough outside a supermarket is obviously unsafe for them, and I would be worried sick if my son was doing that. If we can maintain trust and communication with our children throughout their childhoods then hopefully a situation like that can be avoided. Navigating life a an autistic child and young adult can be incredibly difficult and they are often under a tremendous amount of pressure. Sometimes that can be expressed in meltdowns, shutdowns, depression etc - so they are not always ‘at their best’ for obvious reasons. What they need is to know that their parents are 100% on their side through thick and thin. Obviously abusive behaviour is unacceptable from anyone but there are ways to deal with that and to prevent it too most of the time. Autistic people are at higher risk of suicide, and young men are at higher risk of suicide too. The option of ‘laying down the law’ and issuing lots of rules and ultimatums when someone might be very vulnerable can have serious outcomes (like the young man above who ended up sleeping rough) - it’s best avoided. Our children need kindness and understanding. The rest of the world is often judging them, the education system can be often be traumatic for them, so home needs to be a safe place, ‘a soft place to fall’, somewhere they can relax and unwind, and recover from the tension of being an autistic person in a neurotypical world.