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Is my 3 year old autistic? I’m feeling very alone.

NAS87486

Hi everyone. My son is non verbal and is missing lots of other milestones. Autism runs in my family (my brother and his son and a maternal cousin) and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD.

The thing is, he’s very sociable. He’s always waving and smiling at people but also he will go and sit on a strangers lap or hold hands with random (and sometimes scary looking) people. He also pulls hair and wrestles his sister and random kids. Not with any malice but he enjoys the big reactions he gets. 

He shows very little interest in toys, no imaginative play to speak of. His attention span is very short. 

My partner is very very resistant to the idea that he might be autistic and she has been exploring all kinds of alternative therapies to help/fix him. We’ve been on a really long waiting list for a paediatrician’s appointment where I hope to steer the dialogue towards autism (just to rule it in or out). 

Anyway, just hoping for some feedback. Does any of this chime with any of you? I feel very alone so any conversation about it would be great. 

cheers. 
b

  • Noticing a Short attention span and this "quick/impulsive" Socialising, add your being ADHD, it sounds like you can start there! From my understanding the 2 major fundamental things ADHD and Autistics (Au) share are the Monotropic brain (capacity for hyper-focus and the hyper-connexions we make) and our "heightened" sense-perceptions, or inability to dull the senses to the same capacity as Neurotypical peers. While a big difference being most Au may need to focus on one thing at a time to flourish and many ADHD'rs can multitask with exquisite skill, Communication difference is what tends to make autistics unique. However, in my experience, ADHD individuals appear to speak both Non-Autistic and Autistic fluently Slight smile

    Milestones are created according to what's 'Typical;. When I was young, I was reading and doing arithmetic before age 4 at a year 2 level. But I don't set the pace for 'milestones'. In reality, everyone develops at their own pace and some just memorise what they're supposed to understand without really understanding.

    For most of human existence, we haven't had toys. They were an invention for the wealthy. In more difficult times or even in farming, children start working too young. In an ideal situation, a child is out in the field with their family and 'helping' and enjoying the process. There is another side to this. Many toys aren't fun. They don't function. As adults, we quite like things which actually do a thing. Autistic play is imaginative, in a different way than non-autistic play. We might not pretend to be Social adults in a social environment dictating the rules. Instead, we might prefer faucets that actually give us water, and to build a machine that does something useful with that water. We might engage with an object in a real and meaningful way, "playing" mechanic or allowing our senses to be impacted, studying the object, "pretending" to be the researcher, observer. The imagination is taken on a journey through how we are internally impacted by a thing, the sense of it, working out how and what. Perhaps build a garden with him. Construct real things with him? Find out if he's more interested in taking a thing apart or constructing it. But I wouldn't tell him how to play. This child psychologist has really good posts for all children: https://www.facebook.com/peter.gray.3572

    It sounds like he will need to understand how to afford boundaries with others. ADHD and Au are impacted intensely by our senses and this includes internal feelings of connexion. Some practical rules of engagement, as exemplified by you could be useful. 

  • Good morning b,

    I write to say hi so that you feel less alone.

    My advice on the matters you raise are "man on the street" level of competency at best!

    3 year olds are little monkeys and a mixed bag.  I would presume that its a bit too young to secure a formal reliable diagnosis for most "things" at the moment, although I'm sure the behaviours you describe would give a proper grown-up professional a good steer on the possibilities for your lad.  But then again, what the hell do I know?

    To be honest (and I do apologise if this sounds a bit too "gushy",) I think you might want to turn your attentions and efforts inwards on yourself and your partner for a moment or two.  Feeling alone is pants.  I believe that feeling alone isn't to do with proximity to others or having nothing to do......its something more akin to lack of "connectedness."  Many people here have discussed this matter at some length.....and it is fair to say that MANY people here feel alone too - in that 'lacking connectedness' way - but also realise that this is their reality, and have generally made peace with that concept.  Many of us crave to be alone, but also feel very alone.

    You are obviously making good effort to get your lad through the system and are thinking how best to do that for you all.  Don't forget to prioritise some time for you and your partner to work through what all this means for your family dynamic - and your "partners" dynamic.  It is often difficult to evolve into a new reality/dynamic.....so talk and support for just you grown-ups shouldn't be overlooked in my opinion.  It is easier to find time for yourselves whilst they are toddling and requiring lots of sleep I would imagine.

    I wish you good fortune and fair weather on your endeavours.  Stick around for a while and see how the community feels for you.

    Best regards

    Number