• Replies 13 replies
  • Subscribers 69 subscribers
  • Views 2514 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Autistic daughter - Lack of self care and difficult image issues

NAS87125

Hi All,

My first post here.

Our daughter is 14, very bright, autism diagnosis, and exhibits a lot of PDA traits. She's at one of the local special schools.

She lacks the 'go' to try things, even if she wants to (self care things) and stays in bed most days, mostly because she feels she can't wear any of the clothes. As you can imagine we've tried everything we can. My poor wife gets put on with everything because 'she cant face doing these things with 2 people/'

Things have to be a very exact style - and even slight deviation means she wont wear them. She feels like she cant wear tshirts because they show her arm, which ties into body imae, and having gone through a period where she identified as male, but has reverted to female. She has a hard time coping with the changes from puberty and doesnt like to view herself as she is.

I feel like we need a psychiatrist or some way to help her to get out of this rut. She's currently managing a day at school once a week or two, and even then it might only be for an hour.

Has anybody else dealt with problems like this? I'd appreciate know what worked for you, and if you know of  a service or professional body out there that could help. I can pay for the help potentially, but I literally dont know where to turn.

Thanks in advance,

Parents

  • To add to this she usually feels unable to leave her room to even get a glass of water or a snack. We have to deliver every meal to her room - if she can decide what to eat. Often she'll be hungry but say she's not able to eat any of what we have (even if she likes it) because she isnt in the mood for that thing. We feel totally alone, and my wife feels trapped by it. How do people get out of this situation?

Reply

  • To add to this she usually feels unable to leave her room to even get a glass of water or a snack. We have to deliver every meal to her room - if she can decide what to eat. Often she'll be hungry but say she's not able to eat any of what we have (even if she likes it) because she isnt in the mood for that thing. We feel totally alone, and my wife feels trapped by it. How do people get out of this situation?

Children
  • in reply to NAS87125

    When it came to health and well-being, including cleanliness and disciplines which help us succeed in life,  my father would say "Sometimes we have to just do a thing even when we don't feel like it".  I add the top disclaimer in because this can also be used to harm.

    "If I allowed to you self harm rather than engage in self-care, that would make me a bad parent."

    There are situations where the "feeling" follows the discipline, such as feeling rewarded for slowly building a savings account or the whole-body health 'feeling' from just getting up and stretching or going for a walk, or even a bit of yoga before bed. These 'feelings' are Entirely different from emotional feelings which might be difficult to access or recognise. In fact, being alexithymic myself, I've found that Just Doing a thing which I'd rather be lazy about or procrastinate is actually far easier because I can't always easily identify how I'm feeling. 

    Now, forcing the self to Rest when ill is the same. Matters of health shouldn't be compromised, They're rare to earn back. 

    One might be able to find a way to make money or find other resources. But not Health. 

    We don't need a feeling to tell us when to operate. The rush of adrenaline in Fight or Flight mode does not constitute a feeling but instinct. 

    As parents, we need to allocate time for our children to be proper dead bored, which is where all kinds of creativity happens and is fertile ground for problem solving and all kinds of necessary growth. So a full day once a week of enforced 'laziness' and leaving them be - no demands, no expectations, will help grow a healthy human. Second, small useful disciplines weekly are also useful (we need a sense of purpose). Create a list of things which need to be done weekly and allow them to choose what task(s) they'd like to be responsible for. Don't nag, but polite reminders help. 

    Now, it sounds like there are some deeply overwhelming issues at hand which are in need of mending. I wouldn't cut her off entirely. Buy bottled water to leave in her room and maybe deliver one meal. The world is a cruel and unjust place. It's important as parents we recognise and discuss this with our kids. 

    I lacked the 'go' and try from day one. I'd rather have stayed in and played with my imaginary friends. It was always a parent holding my hand doing a thing with me which helped. Meet her where she's at: the clothing situation is excruciating. Dive into the fashion industry, order fabric samples, see if she'll go to Waterstones or the Library to look for fashion books to buy or make copies of, or just out to collect a dozen magazines. Spend the next few months exploring how a wardrobe department puts together colour palettes. Find movies which involve design. See if this helps her out of her room to engage with you. You could make a schedule even and plan a trip to London for ideas if it's not too expensive. The goal would be to find not 'Fast Fashion' but Her Style. One that lasts for at least half a decade. If you can get her invested and exploring how to work though this and moving with a few life-disciplines, it can shift her out of the overwhelm. 

    The world is highly judgemental and gate-keeping.  We have to present some kind of first impression in order to survive it.