Autistic daughter - Lack of self care and difficult image issues

Hi - thanks for your reply. Some interesting thoughts in there. Some of the things we have tried, but some we havent so thanks for that. Definite food for thought for us to look through!

When it came to health and well-being, including cleanliness and disciplines which help us succeed in life,  my father would say "Sometimes we have to just do a thing even when we don't feel like it".  I add the top disclaimer in because this can also be used to harm.

"If I allowed to you self harm rather than engage in self-care, that would make me a bad parent."

There are situations where the "feeling" follows the discipline, such as feeling rewarded for slowly building a savings account or the whole-body health 'feeling' from just getting up and stretching or going for a walk, or even a bit of yoga before bed. These 'feelings' are Entirely different from emotional feelings which might be difficult to access or recognise. In fact, being alexithymic myself, I've found that Just Doing a thing which I'd rather be lazy about or procrastinate is actually far easier because I can't always easily identify how I'm feeling. 

Now, forcing the self to Rest when ill is the same. Matters of health shouldn't be compromised, They're rare to earn back. 

One might be able to find a way to make money or find other resources. But not Health. 

We don't need a feeling to tell us when to operate. The rush of adrenaline in Fight or Flight mode does not constitute a feeling but instinct. 

As parents, we need to allocate time for our children to be proper dead bored, which is where all kinds of creativity happens and is fertile ground for problem solving and all kinds of necessary growth. So a full day once a week of enforced 'laziness' and leaving them be - no demands, no expectations, will help grow a healthy human. Second, small useful disciplines weekly are also useful (we need a sense of purpose). Create a list of things which need to be done weekly and allow them to choose what task(s) they'd like to be responsible for. Don't nag, but polite reminders help. 

Now, it sounds like there are some deeply overwhelming issues at hand which are in need of mending. I wouldn't cut her off entirely. Buy bottled water to leave in her room and maybe deliver one meal. The world is a cruel and unjust place. It's important as parents we recognise and discuss this with our kids. 

I lacked the 'go' and try from day one. I'd rather have stayed in and played with my imaginary friends. It was always a parent holding my hand doing a thing with me which helped. Meet her where she's at: the clothing situation is excruciating. Dive into the fashion industry, order fabric samples, see if she'll go to Waterstones or the Library to look for fashion books to buy or make copies of, or just out to collect a dozen magazines. Spend the next few months exploring how a wardrobe department puts together colour palettes. Find movies which involve design. See if this helps her out of her room to engage with you. You could make a schedule even and plan a trip to London for ideas if it's not too expensive. The goal would be to find not 'Fast Fashion' but Her Style. One that lasts for at least half a decade. If you can get her invested and exploring how to work though this and moving with a few life-disciplines, it can shift her out of the overwhelm. 

The world is highly judgemental and gate-keeping.  We have to present some kind of first impression in order to survive it. 

Hey thanks for the reply! Really hope you get some progress too. That sounds like a really difficult situation without throwing autism into the mix.

The lack of support for our teens and us is really disappointing, as is the cost of it if you are able to find it! I really hope you can find something soon and that it helps. 

My daughter sadly seems hyper-fixated on hating me at the moment, she has moved in with her other parent and refuses to have any contact with me. I am and have always been her primary carer, the one who does it all...so this is hard. 

Sending you all love and patience x

Sorry to hear that you're in a similar place. Interesting that counseling seems to be the common strategy - We're going to try it again I think. (There isnt really anything else!)

Hi there, my 16 year old daughter sounds similar - we have had these issues since she was around 12/13. It is really tough and can feel isolating and lonely. My daughter hugely struggles with identity (sexuality and gender) body image and self esteem. School has been extremely difficult to manage and her attendance is also really low. She also self harms by cutting and self soothes by binge eating. Hygiene is really poor and her executive functioning skills seem to make it even harder. She is seeing a psychologist privately, which i think is helping, but life is still tricky to navigate....

You’re very welcome! I was just browsing one day as the thought of waiting on the CAMHS waiting list terrified me (my daughter was 18months in when we finally received an app so I just replied no longer needed that way someone else could take her spot and continued paying private) if i’m honest. Take care and I wish you the best of luck 

And thanks for the hugs - same back. Great to know someone who has struggled with similar things.

Thanks so much - that's really useful. I hadn't heard of them before. It feels like there should be a directory of stuff like this somewhere, but I havent found it so far!

I got in touch with Mable therapy (https://www.mabletherapy.com) and choose Ellie Barker to become my daughters therapist and I cannot recommend her enough and one of the things she worked through with my daughter was body image. I really hope you get the help yous need as I know all to well what it’s like to feel alone and struggling. Big hugs! 

Hey - NAS87129 thanks for the reply. That sounds interesting. We did try a therapist who did a lot of work through play a few years back but then claimed she was moving away. It turned out that she hadnt but that she didnt know where to go with it. Do you mind me asking How did you find the therapist? We obviously need someone specialised in the area, but so far that's elluded us.

Thanks!

My 15 year old daughter sounds quite similar and I found getting her a private therapist really helped. There are still very challenging days but she has definetly come on leaps and bounds after getting to the root causes of the issues she was having. Hope this helps! 

To add to this she usually feels unable to leave her room to even get a glass of water or a snack. We have to deliver every meal to her room - if she can decide what to eat. Often she'll be hungry but say she's not able to eat any of what we have (even if she likes it) because she isnt in the mood for that thing. We feel totally alone, and my wife feels trapped by it. How do people get out of this situation?