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Outbursts to the word no or anything that means no

NAS87000

I'm really at a loss with my 7 year old son today he has come in from school and I went to the shop and bought ice pops for the weekend. I explained as always that you must wait for them to freeze. Whilst I was upstairs he has opened all the icepops and poured them into the draws of the freezer, he started screaming and crying because he was upset that they were not frozen and when I explained again that he had to wait but now he won't be able to have any at all, he then proceeded to smash 2 plates off the kitchen side, Then he started smashing his head off the door, then he punched his little sister and pulled all of the recycling bin over and finally started smacking himself with his school shoes saying he wants to die. How does anyone cope with this or help their child when they start to self harm. I tried to hold him to comfort him but he headbutted me and called me alot of names screaming how much I hate him and things like that. I feel along with autism that he has been diagnosed with, he could potentially have a mental health problem too. I just generally want the best for him but I have no support and don't know who to reach out to, you get a diagnosis and then you just get left with the aftermath! 

  • Dear NAS87000,

    Thank you for sharing this with our community. Here's our page about behaviour which might be of your interest, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope this helps!

    Best wishes,

    Eunice Mod

  • I've just heard from another mum whose son is acting similar. After a very long conversation, as she was looking into ABA and the clinic was pushing to diagnose high functioning Autism, I asked if anyone suggest ADHD might be possible. These sorts of outbursts and extreme impulsivity with a decent command of language might be an indicator. But there are so many things I don't know in this scenario.

    There is a lot of misdiagnosing between Autism and ADHD as they share 2 fundamentally similar traits/neurology: Monotropism and an inability to dull the senses. But with ADHD there is a heightened social anxiety. 

    I guess the question is if he's familiar with how these freeze? Has he experienced the process before? When there is a sort of fixation on a thing (ice pops), then setting a timer and also working with an Analogue Clock, which a child can watch as it moves forward with time is useful. Watching a video on how freezing works (this can be fascinating for an Autistic child) and checking as they go along. Giving them a very specific task in the mean time. Maybe you could involve him in the process of making ice even. When a child is already in a state of overwhelm, though, this is a potential problem - at least the opening up of things leading to despair and confusion which might prompt to try again, creating more confusion. Especially if they're aware they have these difficulties or disabilities and have been told in the past to keep trying. I can see how the ice pop situation might happen.

    When a child is at the height of this kind of confusion and frustration, it can be important to decompress the situation fast, because any child in that state when prompted, can spiral into further rage. One solution my grandmother had given me was to always redirect, never say no unless it is of grave consequence, because then No means something very specific. This can be hard to learn actually, because in order to help them thrive, they need to understand consequence while it not devaluing their being. 

    Really, nothing can be learned in a heightened state of frustration. For any abnormal situation (say he's never opened all the ice pops before like this), if you can, first validate him and help him out of the confusion and frustration long before issuing a consequence. "I want you to have these - that's why I bought them. Perhaps you can help me find a solution". First help him calm down. It's just an ice pop. Unfortunately, this society leaves us little time to really help our younglings into life. Steal what you can! Maybe turn a moment like this into a laugh - him helping push the liquid into ice cube trays or paper cups. The colours turning brown...