Hello everyone
Since he was a teenager I've known my son was 'different' in some way but wasn't sure if it was mental health issues (body dysmorphia, irrational beliefs about how food/ shampoo/clothing will alter his physical appearance immediately, that having an injection would cause his arm to deflate etc) and/or something like aspergers..Eventually after many difficulties - at university and after - with social life, finding a girlfriend, getting a job or even going out shopping, -we eventually got him a private diagnosis of aspergers.This has helped very much and come as a relief in many ways I think to both my son and myself.
He's very very intelligent and did well academically (got an astrophysics degree from Edinburgh) but isn't interested in carrying that on in any way. the only 2 (outside) jobs he's ever had were fruitpicking on a trip with his dad (who died some while ago) and 5 years with a small photography company in Cardiff. He started off on some very basic work but was soon promoted to almost complete management of their website and other responsibilities - but still on the minimum wage! He was never confident enough to ask for a raise - even though he wentto work by taxi and chose his own hours! Since leaving there, and various periods of travelling through Europe and Asia, he will only work for himself, on an online retail business. Sometimes this does reasonably well but he often neglects to do cash flows, reordering etc and once realised he should have registered for VAT a couple of years previously and faced a huge bill (though I managed to get him off the penalty and lent him some of the backlog). He also keeps to his own time zone (2 hours behind ours) and typically goes to bed about 3-4 am - getting up around midday (numerous earlier attempts at adjusting this have failed and now myself and husband just accept it - though it does cause problems with having to tiptoe around every morning so as not to disturb him) He also gets sidetracked into 'get rich quick' ideas and has been 'training' to do trading online for nearly a year (endless assessments but never seems to get any further). He also games but mostly keeps this to evenings/weekends; otehrwise he watches YouTube up in his room for hours
He tends to get obsessive about what few interests he has. He is fortunately very focused now on tennis (and has been for some time) which is great as it gets him out of the house (otherwise he has no exercise at all in spite of claiming to be 'superfit') and brings hime into contact with others at the club (though not girls/women). I met my husband about 14 years ago and we bought a new house together. I gifted our old house (which is fairly near) to my son in the hopes that he would live at least semi-independently there . He went travelling for 2 years and had a number of flings with Asian girls (he's unable to form relatonships with British women as they recognise his 'oddness') but when he returned more or less moved in with us and hardly ever spends time at the old house (even though he loves it). This has been going on for 3 years now .At first he was stuck because of Covid but his business was also hit badly by Brexit and he's now dependent on living with us. He pays no rent and contributes £30 towards food. He would like to travel again but has no money, He does nothing at all to help in the house and garden except his share of washing up and cooking once a week (we insisted on that).He gets very angry if we expect any more or imply he isn't doing his share. Occasionally you can 'book' him to do something fairly minor but he has to have a lot of notice and even then will only do it when it suits him (which frankly is more draining than just doing it ourselves).
Things are starting to get very tense. Although he and my husband initially got on well, my son is now beginning to resent my husband for any little perceived 'slight' or suggestion of any disapproval. He refuses to talk to my husband about it and is openly friendly to him but comes to complain to me. Meanwhile my husband is finding his contiued presence and insistence on quiet in the mornings, never speaking in any way thst my son thinks of as critical etc etc increasingly difficult and it's affecting our relationship. I feel horribly caught in the middle and obviously care for and sympathise with both but am at my wit's end.I am 73 and can't bear to think that my son will be living with us for the rest of my life. My husband and I need and want some time together as we get older.. I think I should probably ask my son to move out (though welcome to come and visit) but I can't face how rejected this might make him feel and the repercussions I would have to face. I've also thought of giving him some money to supplement his current (low) earnings so that he could travel again.
If anyone can offer any advice that would be so much appreciated or even to hear other parents' experiences and how they're coping. TBH it's great just to get it off my chest to people who will understand.My son won't allow me to tell anyone that he's aspergers and believes that he can 'pass as normal' when he wants to - however much I reassure him of his own worth just as himself.
