Aggression & Mental Health

We've had a nice Easter Holidays overall. My daughter has been very nice to her brother-usually she is horrible and wants nothing to do with him. But also over the past few days she has been aggressive towards people in order to help her brother. For example, we went bowling with family and the car journey there and back was a nightmare, my other 2 kids were just bickering-my son kept making noises and purposely annoying my other daughter who kept reacting which is why he does it. My eldest was calm until we got home and she was shouting at her sister about the car journey and then full on punched her. She isn't aggressive until the line has been crossed. She is one of the calmest in the family. 

Today she's had enough with her brother who just doesn't tidy up after himself so she feels like she has to otherwise the dog will get to it first. She also buys and gifts him stuff which he also doesn't look after so she has now shouted at him, threatening to dig him a grave (me and him were planting flowers/digging holes). She makes him drinks and food and does stuff for him because he is always on his tablet so I guess she does it to stop everyone bickering. She has now trashed his room and took everything that she has given him out and said that if he doesn't look after my things then she's not going to look after his. And to top it off, the other day she nearly stabbed him with a fork and laughed about it after. She will hold knives up in a threatening manner to scare him and basically show that she's the boss. I've afraid she will do something absolutely terrible one day. I'm at my wits end again. She says she hates him because he doesn't listen, is lazy, and is all dirty and grubby to the point where she refuses to go in his room or touch any of his things because it's sticky. 

I feel like the age difference is a factor because she and her sister are only 2 years apart, 16 and 15, and he's 9. They both don't seem bothered with him and acts like he's in the way and then he's seeking their attention by being naughty because that's the only way he gets it. The girls just gang up on him and it's scary sometimes. My eldest is not afraid to hurt someone if she thinks they 'deserved' it. She's held a knife up to me when she had a rage when i didn't let her leave the house because I knew she wasn't going to be safe. She laughs about it and jokes about it-well I hope she's joking. Honestly, my son is scared of her. The dog is scared. My 15 y.o gets scared at times if it's directed to her. But she can be very caring and look after everyone. I don't know what to do. 

Parents
  • There's definitely some control issues here worth looking into. She's not the mum, it's not her job to mother her brother.

    Gift giving should also be either Debt giving or GIFT, not both. A gift is for another to do with as they wish. A debt is something else. In our society, nothing is free, everything comes with a price. So all your children could do with learning to allow themselves to receive a debt to one another or give without strings to one another or expect the receiver to be able to take agency and assert responsibility to Refuse a gift. One does not have to take or receive it. 

    I'm also unsure why you keep knives about if this keeps happening. If it happened once, I would be mortified. If it happened twice, I would pad lock the knife drawer. 

Reply
  • There's definitely some control issues here worth looking into. She's not the mum, it's not her job to mother her brother.

    Gift giving should also be either Debt giving or GIFT, not both. A gift is for another to do with as they wish. A debt is something else. In our society, nothing is free, everything comes with a price. So all your children could do with learning to allow themselves to receive a debt to one another or give without strings to one another or expect the receiver to be able to take agency and assert responsibility to Refuse a gift. One does not have to take or receive it. 

    I'm also unsure why you keep knives about if this keeps happening. If it happened once, I would be mortified. If it happened twice, I would pad lock the knife drawer. 

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