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Aggression & Mental Health

ParentingAutism

We've had a nice Easter Holidays overall. My daughter has been very nice to her brother-usually she is horrible and wants nothing to do with him. But also over the past few days she has been aggressive towards people in order to help her brother. For example, we went bowling with family and the car journey there and back was a nightmare, my other 2 kids were just bickering-my son kept making noises and purposely annoying my other daughter who kept reacting which is why he does it. My eldest was calm until we got home and she was shouting at her sister about the car journey and then full on punched her. She isn't aggressive until the line has been crossed. She is one of the calmest in the family. 

Today she's had enough with her brother who just doesn't tidy up after himself so she feels like she has to otherwise the dog will get to it first. She also buys and gifts him stuff which he also doesn't look after so she has now shouted at him, threatening to dig him a grave (me and him were planting flowers/digging holes). She makes him drinks and food and does stuff for him because he is always on his tablet so I guess she does it to stop everyone bickering. She has now trashed his room and took everything that she has given him out and said that if he doesn't look after my things then she's not going to look after his. And to top it off, the other day she nearly stabbed him with a fork and laughed about it after. She will hold knives up in a threatening manner to scare him and basically show that she's the boss. I've afraid she will do something absolutely terrible one day. I'm at my wits end again. She says she hates him because he doesn't listen, is lazy, and is all dirty and grubby to the point where she refuses to go in his room or touch any of his things because it's sticky. 

I feel like the age difference is a factor because she and her sister are only 2 years apart, 16 and 15, and he's 9. They both don't seem bothered with him and acts like he's in the way and then he's seeking their attention by being naughty because that's the only way he gets it. The girls just gang up on him and it's scary sometimes. My eldest is not afraid to hurt someone if she thinks they 'deserved' it. She's held a knife up to me when she had a rage when i didn't let her leave the house because I knew she wasn't going to be safe. She laughs about it and jokes about it-well I hope she's joking. Honestly, my son is scared of her. The dog is scared. My 15 y.o gets scared at times if it's directed to her. But she can be very caring and look after everyone. I don't know what to do. 

  • in reply to NAS86264

    We are in are in similar position to what you have been in. Our son struggles and feels like he needs to be the adult over his sister but also worries about things he really doesn't need to as a child. We considered counselling for him but struggling to find someone that understands our position and sons needs.

  • There's definitely some control issues here worth looking into. She's not the mum, it's not her job to mother her brother.

    Gift giving should also be either Debt giving or GIFT, not both. A gift is for another to do with as they wish. A debt is something else. In our society, nothing is free, everything comes with a price. So all your children could do with learning to allow themselves to receive a debt to one another or give without strings to one another or expect the receiver to be able to take agency and assert responsibility to Refuse a gift. One does not have to take or receive it. 

    I'm also unsure why you keep knives about if this keeps happening. If it happened once, I would be mortified. If it happened twice, I would pad lock the knife drawer. 

  • I am not clear if your daughter is Autistic? If so, the aggression may be meltdowns which she will have no control over. Meltdowns are caused by a build up of stress and are rarely due to one single trigger. A trip to a bowling alley can be very stressful for an Autistic person. Noise and argument in the car would add to this. Often Autistic children can be seen as naughty or even attention seeking when having a meltdown. It may also be confused with a tantrum but, unlike a tantrum, a meltdown is not intentional and the child cannot switch if off. The only way to avoid meltdowns is to stop the build up of stresses. This may be by peace and quiet such as sending them to their room and leaving them there on thier own to unwind might help. However,  we are all different, Autistic or non-autistic so the environment to de-stress may vary. Also, there is no point doing this once the child (or adult) is in  a meltdown. By then you will just have to let it run its course and only intervene if they are a danger to themselves or others as you would forvan epileptic fit.

    I hope this helps.

  • I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I want to give you a huge hug, it's so hard and makes me sad almost every day with my own kids. 
    I feel that I'm not in any position to give you full-on advice as my eldest is only 7 but as there arent many comments and I want to connect with you and show support, I'm going to share our experience in case you can get anything out of it. 

    We struggled with Aggression and we did a few things to make it better. We saw a play therapist when he was younger, who explained his play patterns to us and what themes he was exhibiting through his play (a very personal time for kids). 

    Now we have moved into psychology. Not counseling or therapy, but psychological sessions during which our Dr. asks our son lots of questions and provides us with some pointers on what he needs, what he feels, and how we can help to parent him in a way that supports his needs. There are some things we cannot change, but she has at least educated us about them and taught us how to manage them. 
    She is nonjudgemental and believed strongly in the power of allied health, working closely with our OT and our school. 
    Our son was aggressive due to a strong sense of justice (Just like your daughter it seems), and we struggle with him trying to parent or discipline his brother. We are giving him an overload of love at the moment and have told him he only has one chance to be a kid and that he doesn't need to worry about parenting his younger sibling because we are here to do that. We ensure he comes to us and through us for any problems or feeling she has and whether we agree or not, we start and end every interaction with a hug or a bonding experience.  

    It's about making them feel like... kids. Because these very smart little people often view themselves as adults due to their intellectual abilities and their lack of understanding of social constructs. 

    hope this helps a little bit.