Sharing

Not liking to share is not a universal feature of autistics. Some can be very generous. Me for instance, I am the most spontaneously generous person in my family, and half of them are not autistic. Having said that, I do not like some of my possessions to be touched without my supervision. Though I am happy to let anyone with an interest handle them, as long as I can ensure that they are treated with respect. I was an only child, as far as I can see having siblings tends towards higher levels of selfishness than the opposite.  

I can also be very generous at times but sharing a book between myself & another student during a course I’m at last week sent me into flight mode as the person was sitting so close to me. I left and went to the bathroom for 15 minutes. I couldn’t focus on anything other than the stranger in my personal space and how on earth can two people share 1 book. I felt forced into that situation because we had to share a book.

Looking back and writing it now it seems incredibly dramatic but that’s how I felt at that time. This is not why I wrote the post above though. 

I was over thinking how I handled a situation the happened today involving my child and this situation made me think back to something that happened week at an ASN club my child attends. A child had a meltdown due to “not sharing” and immediately his mum took his hand and walked him right out of the club and was very apologetic to all at the club for her child’s behaviour…..I actually thought no wonder he meltdown he was happily playing and another child came up and disrupted his play by taking balls from the ball run he was playing with and now your dragging him out from his club. 

I done something similar today forced my 5 year old to share and it caused him to be distressed and I felt I should have took my own child feelings into consideration as I knew prior to forcing him to share it would have caused him distress. 

Just to make it a bit clearer, My son was playing with a toy bricks, he had built a creation and was using a marble to push through the spaces in the bricks.

Another child comes up & takes some blocks off of my child’s creation. My child starts high pitch screaming over & over. Which can be alarming to others. The boy said to him if you can’t share go home.

My son has no understanding of what the boy is meaning. He just sees this boy destroying what he’s built.

I took some blocks and some of the marbles from my sons creation for the other child and placed them at the other end of the table for the boy to play with. This caused my son to be even more upset. I said you have those ones, the boy has these ones. Eventually he did settle after about 3-4minutes

Please correct me if i am wrong but I feel awful that I didn’t stop the boy and say sorry … is playing with this toy today or was I right in what I did? I feel like I forced my son to share just to try fit in with this narrative that children should all share.

That was my first thought too.

You end up with noting at all to share if you let others take everything off you..

Yes in hindsight and the more I’ve thought about it I do think this too. 

Yes, I’m the same at home, my children have their own toys & if there is something both would like I would buy one for each child.

Yes afterwards it totally affected his play he was on edge and if anyone came near he would say they’re going to steal it, he was upset when people were looking at him which isn’t something he has been Upset about for a long time. We finished our session early as he asked to go home. 

All of the other kids except for my son & 1 other child all are fully verbal and having back & forth conversations. They are interacting with staff and participating in a range of activities in the group. My son does not do this he tends to stick to one thing and has my full support and he doesn’t have conversations but makes use of some language but there has to be a purpose for him to use his language. 

I have such a great relationship with my youngest and play is something we have worked on so hard. He has a lot of trust in me that’s why I’m feeling so guilty. 

It’s difficult when it’s group toys. 

When the boy say go if you can’t share you should go hone the boys mother did say to her son, you struggle with sharing too. 

Which I don’t think was helpful if I’m honest as it’s implying that my child should have shared but is struggling to. 

thank you for your reply Juniper. It’s helpful. 

Yes, I’m the same at home, my children have their own toys & if there is something both would like I would buy one for each child.

Yes afterwards it totally affected his play he was on edge and if anyone came near he would say they’re going to steal it, he was upset when people were looking at him which isn’t something he has been Upset about for a long time. We finished our session early as he asked to go home. 

All of the other kids except for my son & 1 other child all are fully verbal and having back & forth conversations. They are interacting with staff and participating in a range of activities in the group. My son does not do this he tends to stick to one thing and has my full support and he doesn’t have conversations but makes use of some language but there has to be a purpose for him to use his language. 

I have such a great relationship with my youngest and play is something we have worked on so hard. He has a lot of trust in me that’s why I’m feeling so guilty. 

It’s difficult when it’s group toys. 

When the boy say go if you can’t share you should go hone the boys mother did say to her son, you struggle with sharing too. 

Which I don’t think was helpful if I’m honest as it’s implying that my child should have shared but is struggling to. 

thank you for your reply Juniper. It’s helpful.