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Struggles with behaviour of adult daughter

NAS83500

This is my first post here but would really welcome thoughts on behaviour of my adult daughter and how to handle her as I am in despair.

She is 26 and has ASD traits and has suffered from severe depression and anxiety on and off since she was 18. She has never been diagnosed with ASD although two psychiatrists that have seen her for her depression said she would benefit from being screened. She is refusing to do this. She is high functioning but always says she can't look after herself e.g. household chores, decision making.

She has lived at home until now and has had everything done for her. In the last few months her MH has got so bad and her behaviour become very difficult. She has developed anger issues against my husband (her father) - hating him and saying he has abused her when in reality he has been a very good father and played a massive role in her very happy childhood. She demanded that he leave the house as she said her MH would not improve otherwise as it was all his fault. He has tried to keep his distance as much as possible but basically she says I should refuse to ever let him back. I refused to do this and told her he was coming home. She then bolted from the house, driving off in her car with very little possessions, no coat, wearing sandals with no socks etc.

I got the police involved and they found her in a Travelodge on the M1. They assessed her and said she was safe and not high risk (she had threatened to kill herself before). I managed to find that she had moved onto another hotel and had even slept in her car one night but eventually she turned up at her sister's house where she has been staying for the last week. This arrangement cannot continue as it is really disruptive to her sister's life - basically she has to share her bedroom and there are other tenants in the house that are not happy with this.

I have written to my daughter to say she can come home but her father will be here or alternatively we will do anything financially to support her find other accommodation. She is refusing this help and says we have made her homeless. I constantly get angry messages from her saying what despicable parents we are and it's all our fault and she will never speak to us again. She says "how can anything decent person let alone a mother let this happen". We have literally done everything for her. She seems to be in a constant state of anger and seems to have this sense of entitlement that she can carry on living in our house and force my husband out, breaking up our marriage and home in the process.

I have found some other rental accommodation near us that she can live in and am about to put a deposit on this. Shall I do this and force her to go and live there? Or should I just leave her to find her own way and hit rock bottom? I have no idea what to do about this. Her angry outbursts are a nightmare but she says she can't look after herself.

Any thoughts are comments are very well come as this is a nightmare we are living through.

Parents

  • I discovered a couple of years ago that my own mother had no idea that I was bullied at school. School was a horrible place for me.  She doesn't know that I self-harmed.

    You say she had a very happy childhood, but from what she's saying and her current mental health it sounds like there's another story.  Listen to that story instead of dismissing it.  Her perception and her needs are not the same as yours.  

    If she's stuck in this storm of emotions then as a mother you need to put your own feelings aside in order to help her navigate that.  It's like she's flailing her limbs about wildly and just because you're nearby you're getting hit, but that doesn’t mean she's trying to hurt you.  She just can't deal with it. Don't take it as a personal attack, trying to come up with reasons and excuses that it's not your fault, instead focus on listening to her pain and try to find out where it's coming from.  She'll need to be in a calmer state to have that kind of conversation, so you have to choose your moment, and you may have to help soothe her and help keep her emotions under control by being an example of calm.  

    The things she thinks of abuse might br things that you thought you were doing for her own good, but actually affected her negatively. Listen to her experience, take it on board.

    When she was a baby and she woke up and cried loudly, did you think it was a nightmare then?  Probably not.  You realised that it just meant that she needed something.  It's the same now.  She needs something.  It might not be obvious what it is, but it is a cry for help.  Once those needs are being met, then a change in behaviour will follow.  But it will take time and effort.

    Getting assessed and diagnosed will not change anything, and the pressure of that process will only add to her burdens at the current time.  

  • in reply to Glitter

    Dear Glitter Thank you so much for your reply. It is so very useful and I totally agree with what you are saying. She is in so much pain and I really understand that her hitting out is not a personal attack. It is a cry for her and getting her calm and meeting her needs is very important.

    Over the last few months I have spent hours every day with her, talking with her in a calm way and a lot has come out about things that have affected her negatively including the role of her father in this. I also have done many hours of dual therapy with her and listened to her experiences and taken these on board as much as possible. 

    The problem is that what she says she needs now is to come back home and for my husband/her father to leave the house and never come back. She associates all her pain with him and that is the only way I can meet her needs. IAny thoughts on this as it would break our marriage and home?

Reply
  • in reply to Glitter

    Dear Glitter Thank you so much for your reply. It is so very useful and I totally agree with what you are saying. She is in so much pain and I really understand that her hitting out is not a personal attack. It is a cry for her and getting her calm and meeting her needs is very important.

    Over the last few months I have spent hours every day with her, talking with her in a calm way and a lot has come out about things that have affected her negatively including the role of her father in this. I also have done many hours of dual therapy with her and listened to her experiences and taken these on board as much as possible. 

    The problem is that what she says she needs now is to come back home and for my husband/her father to leave the house and never come back. She associates all her pain with him and that is the only way I can meet her needs. IAny thoughts on this as it would break our marriage and home?

Children
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Dear Juniper

    Thanks so much for the reply. This is what I have been inclined to do - as you say, health and safety is a priority. 

  • in reply to NAS83500

    Put a deposit on the other place. Move her stuff there and if you want, you can go over and help her learn little things one at a time. 

    It might be good for her to be on her own in her own space, especially with added tenants in your house. 

    This isn't being forceful, it's creating the best of all possible situations - For Now. Let her know you want the best and will plan to visit on a time schedule. Set an expiration date: tell her this is for one year. She doesn't have to let her father in.

    You may have to text her nightly: Double check your door is locked. Double check your lights are off. Various little things, but eventually she'll learn small matters of importance. This needed space will give you room to think Clearly and more importantly probably help give her room to assess for clarity. 

    Prioritise Health and Safety above all else - these are far more imperative than feelings of offence. Everything else can be navigated.