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Father son

NAS82620

I am a father of a twenty year old autisic son. We have a good relationship most of the time. I have a lot of admiration for him and the way he see's the world without social filters, which can be embarassing, but that leads to the question why? which then makes me not question him, but my social norms and frankly how ridiculous so many of them are. But that is not why i am writing this. He is an adult now and as such our dynamic has changed and without the structure of shcool/colledge (he is hopefully going to university, but not till next September) it is difficult to try and get him to progress (or is that my projecting what i think progress is). At the moment he plays games and is on his comuter pretty much all day apart from when he plays board games with me and his brother, but this is getting less and less. What worries me is that our realtionshiop is like groundhog day and that we have such fixed patterns (i will suggest something, maybe exercise or coming with me to do something, he will react, i will react and we will argue). I am just looking for some way to break out of this pattern, to get him to do some other activities rather than just using his computer. Maybe i am just showing my age and maybe there is nothing wrong with having digital relationships. I don't want to be judgemental, but that is a big ask. Also i want to do what is right by him. That is the real question. Am i just letting him drift away or am i wanting to impose what i think is helathier on him. How much should one try to interfere with a 20 year old? I know what i would have said when i was twenty.

  • There's no easy answer here, all you can do is encourage rather than dictate and hope for the best. He is an adult now and we can't make our adult children do anything they don't want. My policy is to say nothing if it will make things worse, but that's easier said than done sometimes! 

  • I'm there too :) my son 23 and on comp all day playing games and even more I find sad is he doesn't even play in an online group game as he can't deal with others even like that he plays the ones where the characters are fictional avatars etc. Now am not sure if I speak out of turn but you have asked for others viewpoint so here goes ...this is just my take on it   .. I also had a friend of 20 yrs or more that was diagnosed at 50 recently..now as she was diagnosed late she did all the things that non asd people did ie jobs uni etc etc however she basically had breakdown after breakdown tried to comitt suicide few times and eventually turned to hard drugs which is why sadly I don't see her now as I can't have that around me due to running a tight ship for my son.

    My point is that tbh I feel you shouldn't pressure your son into doing ANYTHING and I know it's tough as also them not doing anything can depress them but in all honesty ending up like my friend is also not the answer and that was because she tried to fit into a world that doesn't fit her ie when you try to bang  round peg into a square hole you just end up damaging the peg.sure there is all this talk how help is available in mainstream schools unis but tbh I never seen it or evidence of it and feel we are a long way off. I will say I do know of many aspies who are having jobs kids mortgages etc and don't fall apart like my friend BUT the difference is that they have made the world fit around them for example they write books from home or they even give lectures and it works for them because the talk is pre written by them and they're not interacting with people. What I am trying to get at is you need to try to adapt work or study in a way he can do it ie study from home on an online course etc. My son is extremely intelligent also and was depressed as he new he couldn't handle uni and he wanted to  go he wanted to be a success etc..now he's just reverted back to playing video games..and to be honest he came close to suicide he felt that his asd made him useless etc basicaly him going down the path of finding out about or entertaining the possible idea of uni led to him nearly killing himself..I'd rather he had never even thought about it and I didn't put idea In his head he got idea of Internet as he sees everyone his age doing that.

    however he has come thru that now and does from time to time do on line lessons in drawing and he reads books etc he even went on a treadmill..so even if your son doesn't want to go to uni don't hate or punish him for it just accept him and try to stay positive about other skills he may have that although not conventional.or being done in a conventional way he can still do things in a way that works for him and we live in an age of being able to do pretty much anything from home now due to Internet. 

    Also did you know and sorry to be blunt but there are many suicides associated due to university due to the pressure cost and that's people without asd.

  • Hi It sounds like you are a good dad and want to continue. So, what I say is partly motivated by desire for another to have a father I never had.

    What's happening is his mind made him take a break now when he is able to do so I think. He doesn't know it yet probably but we need a break from constant push to follow norms and continue progress, or we end up having burnout. He will get bored eventually, or when the time will come to go to uni.

    Online relationships are saver.

    Computer can serve as many things in one. Many games help delevop some abilities, e.g. strategical reasoning. 

    I used to play boardgames and cards with my sisters a lot, but we never stuck to one, we continued to swap for more complicated, without challenge for the mind there is less fun.

    He is an adult now, so he needs to start making mistakes based on own decisions to learn from that

    He is most likely constantly feeling guilty for arguing with you, and trying to find a way to avoid it, until then distancing himself is the safest option. 

  • I am wondering if the suggestion is seen as a demand and this is the reason for the reaction.

    Also if you ask about doing something immediately it interferes with his routine. If you are suggesting something he would enjoy doing could you ask when he would like to do it?

    The other thing I wonder is whether there is something he is interested in he would like to share with you. Be prepared though if you are not familiar with gaming he may get frustrated. I learnt I was not quick enough when I had a go.