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Possible autism in 6 year old daughter

NAS83373

Hi there,

I wanted to get some advice about my daughter who is 6. Her behaviour is hard to manage with frequent meltdowns and tantrums. She has started to refuse to go to school. The school have given me an autism assessment to complete but they have told me that because she is well behaved at school and quite clever that it probably won't go anywhere.

I have looked at private assessments but they are around £2000. 

I am not sure she has autism or not but feel that I need some help with understanding her behaviour. It seems that school is stressful for her with all the rules to follow and she is terrified of getting it wrong. She tells me that she is bored and under stimulated and the school have admitted this as well.

I have asked the school for help with her emotions but because it only happens at home they have said they can't see her for one to one. I have been told to spend 30 minutes a days making silly faces at her and rubbing hand cream into her hands by the 'thrive' practitioner at the school but that's about it.

Today she spent 2 hours screaming and shouting and throwing things before we threatened to take her to school, in her pyjamas. She got changed on the doorstep and then I got her in by pushing her in my younger son's buggy. She didn't seem embarrassed by this at all.

She tells me she has no friends at school and plays alone but I am not sure if this is the case. The thrive practitioner told me to walk past the school at break time to see if this was true but this seems a bit extreme.

I am waiting to hear on the assessment as the SEN person is off sick but don't hold out much hope. I feel so desperate and wondered if anyone else had had similar experiences with their children, in particular girls, as I understand that they present differently.

thanks!

  • There is an autistic woman in the US who has a site worth looking at https://www.thearticulateautistic.com. She might even be available for a quick consult to chat. Autistic adults can be a great help translating autistic children. This is a group in AUS focusing on Autistic girls https://www.yellowladybugs.com.au 

    You've mentioned your daughter feels isolated at school. This is a serious matter. Silly faces and hand cream will only feel antagonising and dismissive. They won't solve the problem and if she is Autistic, we need hard, realistic, practical solutions. Bullet points on the science of how to make friends. As an autistic there is a larger problem here, and that is we cannot anticipate or relate with most peers unless they are dyslexic or ADHD or also Autistic. As an adult, I've gotten better at understanding the extreme differences after 20 years of reading philosophy and half of those diving into psychology/psychoanalysis and applying ethics/principles of relationships and I work in a Sound Department, so the effort I've put in to understand the Mechanics - the nature of being - has made it easier, but I still make conscious engagement around others. There are a few things in our neurology that just create a significant translation barrier. So most of us can go through school feeling and actually being incredibly isolated. And isolation is dangerous. 

    Nothing here is easy, but if she's autistic she's not trying to control you, she's in genuine distress and expressing it how she knows how. It won't go away just compound over time unless she has help understanding her particular differences - strengths and limits. Even at a young age, she may be sensing the psychological differences and not understand what she can 'see'. The way others communicate might be frustratingly creepy. The way other girls choose what they accept and reject will be foreign. If she is clever she'll perceive double binds and subtle cruelties, double standards and all kinds of insincerities and not have the terminology or the science or PhD to express properly what she can spot. And that will add frustration. I had great trouble with finding the right language when young. Logic helped around 20. But it wasn't until 30 I started having a little better command of an internal dictionary. 

    Assume the best. Always assume she's truthful and always trust she's trying to say something genuine with an intellect well beyond her language skills. She might be lying, but almost all children will confess and buckle under the weight of a parent who Fully Believes them. It's a very interesting human element. Help her learn to express: yoga, dance, theatre, something artistic. And this may help her get through school. 

  • Sorry NHS ..but whatever you do do not go via NHS as spotting asd in weomen girls is very difficult in fact even the guidelines that the professionals follow to diagnose it are way behind and so lots are going undiagnosed..its daft so for example you have to get so many points like a mathematical equation to tell you if you autistic or not..and it is not one size fits all..the fine tuning isn't there..for example if you are 1 point away because your child wears noise cancelling headphones but because she removes them at home then no that's a point down so your diagnosis is a no..sorry but it makes me angry..its just we are so far behind I think and trouble with girls weomen we are much more complex and subtle than the signs in men.I won't go on but all I will say is go private and to the best..dont go nhs or go to them after private. Good luck

  • Dear NAS83373,

    I'm sure the Community will respond with helpful advice, but in the meantime you might find the Behaviour section of our website useful.  You can find that here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/search?searchTerm=Behaviour.

    There is also lots of information and advice regarding Education, including guidance and strategies regarding refusal to go to school: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education.

    You might also like to contact our Education Rights Helpline if you need more information about educational rights and entitlements, as well as advice on specific topics such as getting extra help in school and assessments.  The helpline details are here: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/education-advice-line.

    I hope that is of help.

    Kind regards,

    Kerri-Mod