Demands on parents from teen

Oh so not me as a kid  so difficult to comment. I was quite the opposite, I would not tolerate "help" from my parents.

Does she have a PDA profile? If so  your answers might be there.

Yes I think this may fit 

thank you 

Thank you for your advice, I have been trying the ‘I’m busy at the moment ‘ and it does work occasionally. The love language  was actually brought up by her as it seems I show my love by acts of kindness however it is exhausting!! Maybe I need to try one of the other languages! It’s a constant learning curve

thank you, I feel heard x

To add: do not jump to demands. only Jump by responding immediately to affirm HER emotional needs. "I hear/see/care about you". But start to occasionally respond with, "I can do this if you can wait x minutes. I want to finish what I'm doing first". 

Begin to help her understand matters of importance. A glass of water or retrieving a thing is not usually a matter of urgency. If she's in a flow-state working on a thesis and feverishly writing about something important and needs to stay focused - could you grab my thesaurus and encyclopaedia is a different matter. 

Also, the idea of "what can I help you with before I start my tasks" is useful. It teaches a little fore-thought. Take a moment to think though what is happening. And then set a timed state where you will not be able to help. This kind of way of engaging with the world reinforces a standard of expectation for others. Going forward, you don't want her jumping to demands of a boyfriend/husband/bad friend because that's how she understands how 'the world is". It is only this way for slaves and those overrun by fear, unfortunately. 

A third option and possibly just a mindful integration. Invite connexion. 

My son does seem to work with a little more focus on his passion project (music) with another in the room, it's something like an Accountability Buddy. ADHD kids and adults tend to thrive better with someone in the room in their own world - each focuses on a separate task but the element of community helps them thrive. It could be good to set up a work room or a desk in a 'together' location. 

Second, there was a book put out years ago on Love Languages https://5lovelanguages.com It's meant for couples but is usually part of the Parent/Child relationship. If she feels protected/loved/affirmed by your performing small acts of kindness you could test this by simply asking her before she asks for a thing. And then have the whole family engage in this as a tight-knit collective. There's nothing wrong with performing little acts of kindness for each other. The shift here to a whole family engagement should over time, encourage her to begin to perform small acts of kindness for you. We do this in my home. And it is backed up with words: "Let's always be kind to one another, the world is cruel enough." "I'd love it if you made me a cup of tea, it tastes SO much better when you make it". "Let's have each others backs". Change the narrative to a "How can I help" or "What do you need", Offering. 

This may sound counter-productive, but in practice, the goal is to create ways to affirm one another. To learn to decline an offer, as desperation is a terrible trap once in the world. To have a sense that someone cares for your well-being. As a parent, I have practiced this since my son was little, always makings offers so he never felt greedy, and sometimes it became a playful amount of "no's" - how about... x or y? Or z??. It was intentional as when I was young, we never had enough growing up and I despised feeling greedy or desperate for things friends would have - like food or an item of clothing or small things which shouldn't have mattered. And because these were my threshold for how to live life well, it kept me in poverty. I was exposed to a different way of perceiving life at some point in my 20's and I wanted my son to be able to feel like he always "had" and could afford to say "no, thank you :)". 

You also want to be able to say I can't right now, but perhaps I can get it for you in an hour. Follow up is imperative, never agree to a thing which you cannot or will not be able to follow through on. But second, this is a matter of trust. Another thing I've been practicing with my son since he was little. When he was small and wanted to interrupt while I was on the phone, I'd excuse myself for a second and let him know I could attend to him in however many minutes, did he mind? Rarely was it important. I stuck to my word. This practice was with everything always recognising Trust is continually built through Reliability. When children feel they can trust us, they demand less from us. They genuinely experience being (not just feeling) understood, affirmed, protected. It is a matter of settling anxiety. 

All Autistic children need to understand Focus. Doing one thing at a time and not demanding others break their concentration. We can learn to put up good boundaries by watching how those who care about us assert them. My grandmother would never stop making dinner unless it was an emergency. She had a time schedule. "Now let grandma focus on making dinner and then I will help you with whatever you need." I didn't understand how important hearing her say this was until I got older. If I don't focus on one task at a time, I might get into an accident.

Again, the goal is healthy thinking, affirming the other and well-being. Manners are merely a byproduct of this. 

It may be worth you looking into PDA, the official term is Pathological Demand Avoidance. https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/

If your daughter does have a PDA profile she could be placing these everyday demands on you as a way to avoid them herself.

Thank you, I will take your advice. I think maybe I should have worded it aggressive attitude. It’s almost the threat that she will take it out on everyone rather than acting in it as she is an angry teen. It’s hard for me to work out what’s teen behaviour and what’s her autism. Going to give it a go today thanks!

Your daughter seems to have you over a barrel. Getting away with her behaviour towards you is bad for you, but it is also bad for her. If the threat of aggression has you cowed, she will just continue to act as she does. Being aggressive and trading on the threat of aggression is not a standard expression of autism. I am autistic and so is my daughter - aged 21 - neither of us is aggressive. Meltdowns can occur, but for me they are self-directed and do not usually involve aggression to others. Meltdowns can involve aggression, but are usually the result of a build up of tension over time, even though small incidents can seem to be the trigger. If your daughter becomes aggressive instantaneously it is more likely merely temper and a bad attitude, and not autistic in origin. It sounds like your daughter is using autism as an excuse for being unpleasant and outrageously demanding. If I were in your position I would send your younger children off somewhere and while they were away read your daughter the riot act. If she 'kicks off' your other children will not be in the firing line. Call her bluff and you may get somewhere, if not, you have lost very little.

I posted a similar situation just last night, all of these kind of things just started happening after diagnosis. So far we have been being firm but kind. Good luck, it is early days for us too in understanding this new personality that the diagnosis has unleashed!