How do you manage home life?

Parenting courses, seriously? They are blaming you?

Your son may well be Autistic, but this is NOT normal Autistic behaviour!! Something else is at work here in addition and you've a daughter to protect. No normal Autistic person wants to harm, much less kill their parents or siblings or teachers.

You need to start screaming until some one in CAHMS starts listening, or someone will get hurt. You need to make it very plain, you are not a bad parent but something is wrong and it's dangerous.

The fixation on death and killing is very, very troubling and you need intervention with HIM now. Not parenting classes for you, but intervention for HIM and urgently

How old is he?

Hi thank you so much for replying! Yes, I feel they are blaming me as a parent. I have sat with so many people talking them through every past moment in his life from start to now, he's not suffered any trauma that could influence this, and hasn't been exposed to any one violent. I have always been careful watch he watches and the games he plays. He isn't allowed internet access under any circumstances. He has had delays and lack of emotion his whole life, at the age of 2 I would get woken by him hitting me in my face and by 5 he started threatening to kill me and has tried pushing me into oncoming traffic. I have tried to give him love and affection but he has pushed me away. I haven't treated him any differently to my daughter and she's just so loving and so caring, the nursey have no concerns at all. But my son is now 9 and only just got the ASD diagnosis. The thing is for years I have been fighting on his behalf and just get palmed off like it's my fault and not belived. 

But thank you so much for confirming my worries that this is not normal autistic behaviour, I have been so certain that something else was going on but no body else seems to hear me. I am extremly worried about  my daughters safety, I can't leave them alone for any second just incase. My son is extremely controlling towards more women than men, he will usually complete more tasks for my partner than me. 

It just doesn't seem real that a 9 year old could behave this way, I'm going to go back to the doctors again and press for them to refer to CAMHS again. I think this will be about the 9th referal so far if they do put one in. He is supposed to see a community paediatrician again but that's under the main hospital and previous experiences weren't great they saw my son for 2 mins before ending the meeting due to them feeling unsafe around him. They put in the referral for the asd assessment but that was it.

I have spoken to MASH and they always say nothing we can do as have support from school etc, and i've done everything they would suggest. They have done assessments and had a person come out for 6 weeks who then closes the case. 

My son is no ordinary case, and needs help but no one is doing anything. I've been fighting for so long and I just don't know who else to try. 

Hi thank you so much for replying! Yes, I feel they are blaming me as a parent. I have sat with so many people talking them through every past moment in his life from start to now, he's not suffered any trauma that could influence this, and hasn't been exposed to any one violent. I have always been careful watch he watches and the games he plays. He isn't allowed internet access under any circumstances. He has had delays and lack of emotion his whole life, at the age of 2 I would get woken by him hitting me in my face and by 5 he started threatening to kill me and has tried pushing me into oncoming traffic. I have tried to give him love and affection but he has pushed me away. I haven't treated him any differently to my daughter and she's just so loving and so caring, the nursey have no concerns at all. But my son is now 9 and only just got the ASD diagnosis. The thing is for years I have been fighting on his behalf and just get palmed off like it's my fault and not belived. 

But thank you so much for confirming my worries that this is not normal autistic behaviour, I have been so certain that something else was going on but no body else seems to hear me. I am extremly worried about  my daughters safety, I can't leave them alone for any second just incase. My son is extremely controlling towards more women than men, he will usually complete more tasks for my partner than me. 

It just doesn't seem real that a 9 year old could behave this way, I'm going to go back to the doctors again and press for them to refer to CAMHS again. I think this will be about the 9th referal so far if they do put one in. He is supposed to see a community paediatrician again but that's under the main hospital and previous experiences weren't great they saw my son for 2 mins before ending the meeting due to them feeling unsafe around him. They put in the referral for the asd assessment but that was it.

I have spoken to MASH and they always say nothing we can do as have support from school etc, and i've done everything they would suggest. They have done assessments and had a person come out for 6 weeks who then closes the case. 

My son is no ordinary case, and needs help but no one is doing anything. I've been fighting for so long and I just don't know who else to try. 

Gosh, sorry to hear about all this.

My personal suggestion is that the father shows up when he can even if it's disrupting. Children need to see the parent with his same DNA making an effort and failing. A boy will out-man his father someday, especially if given a chance to get to know him regardless of how disappointing he may be. This may actually strengthen his relationship with you, the parent who didn't abandon him no matter what.

As someone who's been through some of this, I'd personally allow these disruptions if it's in the form of the father showing up - it's a part of 'the only way out is through'. Allow him to feel as deeply as he needs to. Cry through it, buy a punching bag. Get him into boxing if it helps. These disruptions may be excruciating in the moment, but I cannot tell you how much they will pay off when he's older. 

The catch will be reinforcing your routine with the father. Hold your ground when it comes to your routine. If it's in a calendar, give the biological father a copy. Teach him to give you an exacting amount of notice. Don't change a thing because he shows up.  

Is the father is autistic and/or ADHD and undiagnosed? Is there anything in his genes you need to be made aware of? I can tell you I'm grateful to my father for working out coeliac issues he had that I was having and didn't know until l asked him. No doctor would've helped me.  

Regardless, it sounds as though the father doesn't want to cause problems, but I really think given everything you've stated here, this man needs to be encouraged to show up occasionally and have some kind of relationship. It might at least take some pressure off. Either way, it can bring a bit of relief even if every time he leaves it's devastating for your son. The father may be irresponsible and a complete failure and feel this, but being severed from a parent entirely can make us feel like a part of our very selves has been lopped off and discarded. Sometimes the best gift we can be given, is exposure to a parent with our same genetic material who didn't use their personality traits to potential. It can help us recognise the similar traits in ourselves and become more aware of our strengths and weaknesses.

Unfortunately these are not ideal situations. But you know your son best. A hopeful outcome is eventually your son would appropriate his anger at the individual who he felt rejected and let down by and not need to take it out on others. A better one would be for a relationship to build, as imperfect as it is, so that everyone finds relief and resolution. You have time off and feel safe about your daughter, your son has weekends away with his father and is coping better, maybe even the father becomes a better man from it all and helps support this boy into adulthood. x

Thank you so much for your reply, it's helped to give a different outlook on everything. You are correct about his father, so he was around when he was a baby but disappeard and wasn't in contact for a short time. When he come back into our lives he saw our son for a short time before saying he had too much going on in his own life to take his son back on so disappeard again. So we haven't seen him in a long time now, his dad has been in cotact with me but my son doesn't know this as I didn't want it to cause distruption in his life. I try to keep everything routined and consistent for him. Like we have a schedule written down with pictures so he knows what we are doing and when to try ease that anxiety. 

But yes, he may be looking for that like minded person he can relate to. He has a strong bond with my dad and brother, and my dad takes him fishing every so often. He goes to cubs, which is the only time he doesn't seem to have any difficulties. at first he struggled when in the lower level (beavers) but after settling into cubs he embraces all the activities. 

All the ideas you have given there are really useful I will certain look into all of these things, if i can help support him in any way i can I will. 

What do you know about your sons father? Has he ever met him? I'm asking because when you say partner, I'm assuming this isn't his biological father and an absent father can have a great deal of impact on a young male. This might be a key to what's happening either with genetics, psychology or both.

Doing more for your partner could be a way of trying to gain approval which his young mind believes he can trust. If he doesn't feel like he connects with or relates to anyone at all, he'll seek out anything of like-minded nature to connect with, even if it's just another male. He may have a personality far more similar to the missing father and be acting out of an incredible psychological isolation, if we add the autism, where one already senses a difficulty feeling understood. It can be exhausting to never feel connected or feel a sense of kinship and at that age, boys might be trying to grow into what the world is communicating to them a man is. At this age, their perfect man-cave doesn't involve females. And with autism we are impacted severely by our own feelings, even if we can't identify them well. We are impacted without the ability to filter, so everything can be intense. This can be why it's better to afford us much longer transitions if possible and never interrupt. 

The issue with death needs some redirection, though. Sometimes it's a desire for spiritual guidance, help constructing the other side of life. Maybe he can help up keep in a graveyard at a church once a week. Sometimes it's an interest in the scientific understanding of decay - nuclear decay or biological decay. The decay of phytoplankton or compost. Or sometimes kids just need an outlet - in the wild, some would've lived for hunting, fishing, even war. See if you can't help him into his interests. Maybe he just needs to destroy things in a controlled way (judo? or just digging up the back garden?) and some day he'll be the chap in charge of ripping up a road or the wrecking ball.