I am telling myself that we're all different, we don't HAVE to drive and that one path through life (the conventional one) isn't necessarily better than another. But I lack conviction and I'm actually quite sad.
My sister is overjoyed that my niece has just passed her driving test. I do feel very happy for her, that much is true, and have conveyed as much. But I'm also overwhelmingly sad. Neither of my sons drive and, being confined to their rooms for most of the time (their choices plus retreating from feeling bashed about in the world), not doing much of anything that might be expected. Yes, I'm challenging those expectations, but they also seem to exist in my own head, in spite of my efforts. The lack of any contact with the outside world, no ongoing course, jobs or any other activities makes me want to weep. And others passing driving tests, buying houses, courses, getting into relationships etc etc makes me want to scream, "When's it their turn?"
They may well be natural, but I also feel I have to hide these feelings. I also hesitate to tell anyone here at home about others' (conventional) successes, while it feels very much as though life is passing them by. But am I being ableist here? Or conversely becoming a kind of mental contortionist to try to be OK and accepting with what is?
Anyway, I actually want to cry and I think I'm going to have to hide before I do. One of my sons tried, a long time ago, to pass his test and failed three times before just deciding that it wasn't right for him. That's really OK, but then it feels as though that's also happened with everything else too. We had a bottle of champage bought to have on standby for when he came back from his last test, when we really thought he'd pass. Then we thought, "Oh well, there'll be another occasion, maybe to celebrate something else". There hasn't been. :(
