Driving

I actually have a real problem with driving and it's something that crops up very often in groups like this.  

I passed first time, way back in 1987.  However, I'd had loads of lessons with at least 3 different instructors and I only passed by pretending to be someone else (a confident, assertive person, sort of stepping into their persona!) and asking myself, "what would a normal person do now?" at every decision point.  This was decades before I realised that I am autistic and I'd also been working on my severe anxiety with various techniques, incl. CBT and relaxation, breathwork and visualisation.  And afterwards I didn't dare get back into the driver's seat for some time, necessitating even more lessons in order to bring down my anxiety and be able to apply for jobs outside a very limited range locally.

So...  I did it but not in the most healthy of ways.  And "What would a normal person do at this point?" might have worked but it didn't do much for my self esteem and also probably reinforced my already extensive masking.  At the time, though, I thought I was just one round of counselling or one more self help book away from finding the key to  my excessive nervousness and anxiety.  And, even though I'd passed, I was still terrified of driving in cities or finding my way around crowded supermarket car parks.  And multi story car parks were a no go.  Driving in front of others felt a bit nerve-racking too.   All of this suggests to me, now with hindsight, that I shouldn't really have been driving, although I don't understand how I would otherwise have accessed the jobs I've had and paid the mortgage.  So the whole driving issue feels quite important and possibly excludes people from certain options in life, which i resent.  

For years my husband and I jokingly referred to my "driving disability" and worked with it bit by bit.  What helped? 

- Deskilling it and moving from a manual to an automatic, so that i didn't need to make as many decisions/movements within a short period when say, approaching busy junctions or roundabouts and could focus just on the road ahead.  (They say that changing gears becomes natural after a certain point but I can only say that it didn't with me).

- Continuing with my self help via CBT and breathwork mainly

- Practising beforehand on routes I would be using at busy times when they were almost deserted

- Accepting (eventually!) that this is one thing I find difficult, that I don't need to measure up to others' standards and that it's OK not to drive if I don't feel comfortable with it.  These days I only drive on a few familiar routes and I think it's going to stay that way until old age creeps up on me and I switch to taxis.  

One thing which has always annoyed and stressed me is that others can be quite judgemental about driving and I've internalised some of this such that exclamations, for example, "I could get a bus through there luv!" ring in my ears at key moments.  I've had to take the sting out of such words by giving them a silly voice or tune so that I can just go, "Oh!  you again!" and dismiss them.  Previously i made up stories about having had an accident and lost my nerve as that seemed more acceptable that explaining that driving just terrified me (What?  Driving along at speed in close formation with lots of others in heavy metal boxes, all making individual decisions?  you're all OK witht he risks of that?).  

So, as usual in my past, too much remained unsaid, reinforced my one down positiion with others and eroded my very feeble self confidence.  Now I'm open and honest about it and, having cottoned onto the extent of my masking, I choose what I do very carefully.  It's hard though.  We live in a car culture and I'm sure I would have fared better in the past when car ownership was much lower, or maybe in the future if driverless cars become available.  

So i'd suggest breaking it down into its constituent parts.  What is it that blocks you?  How do you feel about it?  Are there any workarounds?  And chip away at it so's it doesn't become a monumental issue.

The other question - Do you HAVE to drive?  My sons don't and probably won't and for that reason we've moved close to a city centre with good bus routes, a train station and plenty of local shops within walking distance.  I'm fed up of living in a car culture and I wish it could be slowly dismantled!  (Sorry any car enthusiasts out there but I just don't get it).     

I actually have a real problem with driving and it's something that crops up very often in groups like this.  

I passed first time, way back in 1987.  However, I'd had loads of lessons with at least 3 different instructors and I only passed by pretending to be someone else (a confident, assertive person, sort of stepping into their persona!) and asking myself, "what would a normal person do now?" at every decision point.  This was decades before I realised that I am autistic and I'd also been working on my severe anxiety with various techniques, incl. CBT and relaxation, breathwork and visualisation.  And afterwards I didn't dare get back into the driver's seat for some time, necessitating even more lessons in order to bring down my anxiety and be able to apply for jobs outside a very limited range locally.

So...  I did it but not in the most healthy of ways.  And "What would a normal person do at this point?" might have worked but it didn't do much for my self esteem and also probably reinforced my already extensive masking.  At the time, though, I thought I was just one round of counselling or one more self help book away from finding the key to  my excessive nervousness and anxiety.  And, even though I'd passed, I was still terrified of driving in cities or finding my way around crowded supermarket car parks.  And multi story car parks were a no go.  Driving in front of others felt a bit nerve-racking too.   All of this suggests to me, now with hindsight, that I shouldn't really have been driving, although I don't understand how I would otherwise have accessed the jobs I've had and paid the mortgage.  So the whole driving issue feels quite important and possibly excludes people from certain options in life, which i resent.  

For years my husband and I jokingly referred to my "driving disability" and worked with it bit by bit.  What helped? 

- Deskilling it and moving from a manual to an automatic, so that i didn't need to make as many decisions/movements within a short period when say, approaching busy junctions or roundabouts and could focus just on the road ahead.  (They say that changing gears becomes natural after a certain point but I can only say that it didn't with me).

- Continuing with my self help via CBT and breathwork mainly

- Practising beforehand on routes I would be using at busy times when they were almost deserted

- Accepting (eventually!) that this is one thing I find difficult, that I don't need to measure up to others' standards and that it's OK not to drive if I don't feel comfortable with it.  These days I only drive on a few familiar routes and I think it's going to stay that way until old age creeps up on me and I switch to taxis.  

One thing which has always annoyed and stressed me is that others can be quite judgemental about driving and I've internalised some of this such that exclamations, for example, "I could get a bus through there luv!" ring in my ears at key moments.  I've had to take the sting out of such words by giving them a silly voice or tune so that I can just go, "Oh!  you again!" and dismiss them.  Previously i made up stories about having had an accident and lost my nerve as that seemed more acceptable that explaining that driving just terrified me (What?  Driving along at speed in close formation with lots of others in heavy metal boxes, all making individual decisions?  you're all OK witht he risks of that?).  

So, as usual in my past, too much remained unsaid, reinforced my one down positiion with others and eroded my very feeble self confidence.  Now I'm open and honest about it and, having cottoned onto the extent of my masking, I choose what I do very carefully.  It's hard though.  We live in a car culture and I'm sure I would have fared better in the past when car ownership was much lower, or maybe in the future if driverless cars become available.  

So i'd suggest breaking it down into its constituent parts.  What is it that blocks you?  How do you feel about it?  Are there any workarounds?  And chip away at it so's it doesn't become a monumental issue.

The other question - Do you HAVE to drive?  My sons don't and probably won't and for that reason we've moved close to a city centre with good bus routes, a train station and plenty of local shops within walking distance.  I'm fed up of living in a car culture and I wish it could be slowly dismantled!  (Sorry any car enthusiasts out there but I just don't get it).     

Thank you for the detailed reply. I do have to drive if I want to work solely as a musician, otherwise I wouldn't bother. Although to be fair I would love to be able to drive to places where I can go walking. I live in a big city and for a while now it's been important for me to get out and go for long walks in a nature reserves or other green areas. I also live generally quite a busy life so I could do with saving time.

So yes I think the time has definitely come for me to try and do it. But I agree that driving only when necessary is a good idea. I don't like the car culture either but it's also assumed that people drive now, and those of us who don't miss out, because work and recreation is often built around car ownership.

Just a thought, do you have ADHD in addition to autism? I am told that ADHD is my biggest issue associated with being on the spectrum, and I think the DVLA make it a requirement to inform them if you're diagnosed with ADHD now, so it must make a difference.