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Is my mother emotionally abusive?

NAS81746

So today my mum lashed out at me again. I haven’t done anything wrong.
All i am doing is helping my mum and she does not appreciate that whatsoever. Me and my boyfriend have been cleaning cleaning everything and helping her do everything she wants to do in the house and she turned around today just randomly started flipping with me so I’m not sure what to do but I’ll try and put in as much detail the scenario that she put us in today.

We got a cat. We feed it, clean it and look after it everyday. And  we do this out of our own money. We are 17 and 18. Keep that in mind.

my mum has a puppy and a cat, both of which go outside.

Apparently its somehow our fault that our cat has fleas?

it doesn’t go outside.

And she keeps finding reasons to blame us.

And on top of that we only recently made the devision of rehoming our beloved cat. He’s literally our world but we have to get rid of him because we are struggling to care for him properly at this point. He got fleas from my mums cat and now my bedroom is completely infested with them.

She hasnt once offered to help.

i am autistic and struggle with my room from time to time but i cannot control that.

my mum randomly lashes out of nowhere at me and has done since i was born. She would never communicate with me beforehand. In fact, she’s completely fine with me before the lash-out.

This time she threatened to kick me out for a month and told my boyfriend he couldn’t see me for 2 weeks.

What gives her that right?

She even was rude to my boyfriend for no reason.

Any advice is appreciated. And is there any way of resolving this? 

  • There will always be communication issues if you or someone else is Autistic. There’s always a chance your mother is autistic, and you both don’t see this. Even if she isn’t, she might well have another condition if she’s up and down with moods,

    The house is hers, and you live with her. I think she has every right to say who can and can’t live there. I just think how she says it, and what her reasons are aren’t right. If you are 18, there’s not much she can do about you having visitors. I would suggest telling her in advance who’s coming and when, 

    How was she rude to your boyfriend? 

    Cats and dogs will have fleas if they are indoor pets, or outdoor ones. The thing you must do, is get them treated with stuff from your vet as often as it states. And so, you will still see the odd flea, but there won’t be an infestation,

    You might want to try a product called Indorex. It is a spray. You can treat the whole room, or house with it, and it does work. Just follow the instructions carefully, and be mindful, it doesn’t go near any pet food or water. 

  • I'm curious, has your mum been diagnosed? 

    Families can get into these cycles and dynamics of existence to appease one another when actually things are intolerable (an ambiguous feeling in the air, no one really connecting at a deeper level emotionally, a sense that something is off so I do something to create a type of amending which might not be the right thing to do. I receive something I didn't expect when I should be rewarded for my efforts while the other feels they didn't ask for me to do the thing. The residual of all this ambiguousness and fixing/disregarding then added to an unspoken 'pile' and we all try again tomorrow). Sometimes bringing these cycles to a halt can bring actual problems to the surface that need healing. But this is not a simple task which is why it's usually reserved for a therapists office. 

    While a mum shouldn't just take out her irritations on her children, she may be worn down by life or undiagnosed and burnt out. How did you end up getting a diagnosis? There's a lot of questions here, but some of the basic answers regarding a boyfriend could be that she still bears responsibly for you and if it's her house, she might have reasons to believe he could be detrimental to your future. Do they get along? 

    I was 17 once and undiagnosed and couldn't make much sense of others. I dated a few really good ones but didn't have the best upbringing to help me understand how to be in a relationship and how to make a distinction between someone genuine and someone who was a bit more sociopathic. Granted, my mother wasn't helpful. 

    Now being a mother, there are some crucial elements to finding Mr Right. And Mr Wrong, even if he's a fun moment, can have a terrible impact crushing one's entire future. That doesn't mean the world cannot present a different path, but it does mean learning to choose who we invest our time and resources into can either make life better or far more frustrating and stressful than need be. 

    If your mum helped you get a diagnostic, I might work out how she knew to. It also might be good to clear some time apart from your boyfriend and adjust your relationship with her, find out if maybe she needs a diagnostic. A good man will wait.