Dealing with obsessions and routines

[quote user="NAS20017"]

There's probably not a straight leap from fear to obsession.

Fear may lead to to fascination. Fascination then to understanding.

Understanding then reduces fear, and feeds into the obsession.

Hi Scorpion + everybody else.  Have you any further advice on getting from "understanding helping to reduce fear??"  

Thanks. We are already there with the bribery thing. He gets to count the hand dryers behind the Deli counter in Tescos as a treat once we have all our shopping. The other BIG bribe is to go into Currys to look at all the machines and gadgets in there, and have a go in the lift. He was devastated when our local Comet closed down!

There's probably not a straight leap from fear to obsession.

Fear may lead to to fascination. Fascination then to understanding.

Understanding then reduces fear, and feeds into the obsession.

Also, one tool you may find useful both to help him cope with things, and to get a good balance between his needs and yours, is bribery.

Now, that sounds like a really bad way to go about things, and I'm sure you're thinking it will just lead to him demanding things, and becoming spoilt.

Well, if you approach it wrongly it could.

However, what I mean is to use his obsessions to your advantage - for example, say you need to go shopping, but it's a break from the routine, and you think he'll struggle with this, say something like "would you like to come to the shops with me, and whilst we're in Tesco we can look at the washing machines?", say.

It's interesting that you link fear to the obsessions. He used to be utterly terrified of hand dryers, and now they are his favourite thing. I've seen this happen with a few other things too: terror becoming his latest obsession. It has made me re-evalute his perception of the world. For him: fear and love seem to be very close. It makes me wonder whether at one point as a baby (although he was incredibly calm and never showed any distress or upset at this point) whether he was frightened of the washing machine and of wind turbines, before these became obsessions.

You've given me some great advice. Thanks.

Making a positive light of his obsessions as you describe them certainly sounds like good strategy, but also look at the environmental factors behind some of these routines. The routines are needed in order to establish some sort of personal control within what for him is a very unpredictable world.

That means anticipating some of the stresses encountered particularly when out and about. The whoosh of hand driers might actually be soothing or reassuring. But there are other noises in supermarkets he may not like. Also there will be conflicting and multi-directional sounds which can make things worse.

You say he has a preferred route around the supermarket, does that indicate that some of the environments are easier to deal with once he has settled? Refrigeration units can be particularly unsettling - you might be able to filter it out and not notice it - he may find the mixed noise environment of refrigerator units unsettling. The queues at tills can be very noisy places where you are stuck while waiting your turn, and cannot move away from adverse noise or close proximity to strangers. If he is sensitive to smells consider the differences between the bakery, meat and detergent areas of the supermarket.

Also before entering the supermarket what sources of stress are there that might make him more unsettled before he goes in? Apart from the fascination he has with the automatic doors is there also an element of fear? To him passing through automatic doors may create all kinds of irrational fears like them closing on him suddenly. 

So try to anticipate the environmental factors influencing the need for more routine and maybe talk through these with him.

Thanks. That is helpful. It is tricky when all the behaviour management advice I get from friends and colleagues tells me to be strict and not give in, and not let him have his own way. I feel like by giving in to his needs I am being a poor parent, but from the information you have given me, it sounds like I need to do this if he is ASD. Without a diagnosis, I'm still a little torn what to do. If I go with his obsessions and routines, and allow them to rule my life, and then he gets a definite diagnosis of not ASD, then I will have produced an over-indulged child, but if he is diagnosed as ASD, then it will the the right thing to do.

I do really wish the the health professionals would decide and give me a decision, so that we can plan for the rest of our lives.

I have already started to make positive light out of his obessions. We have started a scrap book of photos of all the hand dryers we have seen. He loves to look at these and talk about them. We also made a book about how wind turbines work, which was his last obsession, and spent last summer visiting wind farms around Wales. Before that, it was washing machines, and I made him matching pairs cards with pictures of washing machines on them.

I think, until I get a dignosis, I am going to go with all of his routines and obsessions, in order to try to keep him calm. He is changing to a new school in September, which will be difficult enough for him, so I need to keep as much constant in his life as possible to make that big transition as easy as possible.

stardust66 said:

How should I be dealing with this? Should I just be firm and say "no", that he does not get it his way all the time, and ignore the meltdowns. Or should I be going with his routines and obesssions in order to keep him calm and stress-free, however hard they make life for me? I do sometimes wonder if he is just being a spoilt child, or if this is really part of a wider problem.

Also, he likes to exclusively about his obessions: at the moment hand dryers. I can do this up to a point, but when it is at every meal table, on every car journey, and every other conversation, it starts to drive me a bit mad. Again: should I be forcing him to talk about other topics, and telling him that is enough about hand dryers, or should I be going along with him, and letting him chat about this all the time. I really don't know what is best for him in the long run.

If his obsessions and need for routine are causing him harm (which it doesn't sound like they are) then they should be curtailed.

However, if obsessions and need for routine are not causing him harm (which it sounds like they are not) then I afraid you're going to have to learn to live with it.

You can try to introduce unavoidable changes, slowly, and with plenty of warning - give him time to get used to the idea before actually making any change.

Similarly, new topics of conversation should be introduced and approached gradually.

If you try to fight his needs you will only cause him more distress and make life harder for yourself.

obsessions and routines is the mind looking for grounding identity, all my life i have "known" nothing is real,,,,, so touching things, routines,, regular paths keeps me from leaving and going within into an autistic shell(spiral) which people see externally as a cell.

These behaviours are part of this body memory cells.. there is a good technique, use the hair dryer as a link to introduce the tap .. then the water, etc etc,,,, opens up this world but has to relative to the hair dryer,, read books, write a story about a hair dryer as a learning tool onto other subjects... line up the ducks one, by one,,,, you can't control it,, relax with it and steer it with some learning assistance on how too move it on by introducing another long-term duck in the line

Hi - he sounds similar to my son at that age.  What you describe isn't at all unusual for someone with autism.  He absolutely needs his routine, in detail, to keep him grounded in an ever-changing world he doesn't really understand.  For a Neuro-Typical person (not autistic) this can be v trying.  To NTs the insistence on sameness, especially when it's so detailed, can easily be dismissed as trivial.  Try to think differently.  Understand he seriously needs this to keep himself from panicking.  He is not spoilt - he is autistic.  There is a world of difference.  When he has a meltdown he is in a total panic, he is terribly frightened + has lost control.  Imagine how we would feel if that happened to us.  My son had a number of obsessions + at 4 he was also non-verbal, altho he could write single words + understand some words + phrases.   That made it difficult because I didn't always understand what had caused a meltdown so they were difficult to avoid.  I soon learnt there were things he really liked to do (obsessions) + never tired of them.  He got loads of pleasure from them + whilst they've changed over the years (he's an adult now) he still gets a great deal of enjoyment out of them.   I know you may feel you're over-indulging him, trying to do everything he wants to avoid a meltdown and/or to make him content.   This is where life can get difficult because always accommodating another person isn't possible or necessarily desirable.  Ground rules, if he understands them, are important.  If you spot another obsession developing, work out how it can be accommodated without causing too many problems.  Without knowing your son:  level of understanding, personality etc, it's difficult to advise.  Once an obsession is up + running, without any ground rules, then it's difficult to put in boundaries.  Perhaps doing a pictorial timetable for him showing what's happening in detail each day may help.  Putting time limits on things, showing them on the timetable.  Keep him occupied with things he enjoys doing.  Certain things, whilst you may find them irritating as an NT, need to be accommodated to keep him calm.  If he really likes the hand driers them I'd accommodate it.  If he likes getting dressed in a certain order, then that's easily accommodated.  I always get dressed in a certain order!   Most of us do if you think about it.  If you need to make changes then gently does it.  V small changes which you let settle in before moving on to the nxt small change.  It's important that he isn't stressed out.  It's important that you're not stressed out.  Is he practical?  Would he understand it was time to stop or defer till later an obsession because there was something better on offer?  There needs to be a "middle road" between his needs + your wants.  He isn't a typical child so he can't be treated like 1.  Any attempt to "force" him will not work + make matters worse.  A reward system can.  If you haven't looked yet, access the home pg for loads of info.  Does he go to nursery?  If he does, you may find he has different habits there.  Small steps.