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Dealing with obsessions and routines

stardust66

Hello. My son is nearly 4, and having assessments for ASD. One of the main issues which is causing problems for us at the moment is his obsessiveness and his insistence for routines. I'm wondering how I ought to be handling this. As he does not have a diagnosis yet, one way or the other, the health professionals are not giving me any advice on how to handle things like this.

Examples are: he likes everything to happen in the same way, and in the same order every day. As a general rule, I try to keep routines similar, but obviously things have to change. If something happens differently he will shriek and scream and often now go into a full tantrum. This could be something like the order I put things on the breakfast table, or the order I get him dressed, or the things I say to him at bedtime, or the order we read his reading flash cards in.

This also causes difficulties when we are out and about. He is obsessed with automatic doors on shops and hand dryers. When going into a shop he insists on waiting for the doors to shut fully before we go to open them. This can take ages, as you can imagine, especially in a busy supermarket. He also insists on going into the toilets in shops/ clinics etc to try the hand dryers, and insists on a specific order to go round the supermarket. If things do not happen in the way he wants them, he goes into utter meltdown: screaming and shrieking and tantrumming, which is tougher out in public.

How should I be dealing with this? Should I just be firm and say "no", that he does not get it his way all the time, and ignore the meltdowns. Or should I be going with his routines and obesssions in order to keep him calm and stress-free, however hard they make life for me? I do sometimes wonder if he is just being a spoilt child, or if this is really part of a wider problem.

Also, he likes to exclusively about his obessions: at the moment hand dryers. I can do this up to a point, but when it is at every meal table, on every car journey, and every other conversation, it starts to drive me a bit mad. Again: should I be forcing him to talk about other topics, and telling him that is enough about hand dryers, or should I be going along with him, and letting him chat about this all the time. I really don't know what is best for him in the long run.

Parents

  • Hi - he sounds similar to my son at that age.  What you describe isn't at all unusual for someone with autism.  He absolutely needs his routine, in detail, to keep him grounded in an ever-changing world he doesn't really understand.  For a Neuro-Typical person (not autistic) this can be v trying.  To NTs the insistence on sameness, especially when it's so detailed, can easily be dismissed as trivial.  Try to think differently.  Understand he seriously needs this to keep himself from panicking.  He is not spoilt - he is autistic.  There is a world of difference.  When he has a meltdown he is in a total panic, he is terribly frightened + has lost control.  Imagine how we would feel if that happened to us.  My son had a number of obsessions + at 4 he was also non-verbal, altho he could write single words + understand some words + phrases.   That made it difficult because I didn't always understand what had caused a meltdown so they were difficult to avoid.  I soon learnt there were things he really liked to do (obsessions) + never tired of them.  He got loads of pleasure from them + whilst they've changed over the years (he's an adult now) he still gets a great deal of enjoyment out of them.   I know you may feel you're over-indulging him, trying to do everything he wants to avoid a meltdown and/or to make him content.   This is where life can get difficult because always accommodating another person isn't possible or necessarily desirable.  Ground rules, if he understands them, are important.  If you spot another obsession developing, work out how it can be accommodated without causing too many problems.  Without knowing your son:  level of understanding, personality etc, it's difficult to advise.  Once an obsession is up + running, without any ground rules, then it's difficult to put in boundaries.  Perhaps doing a pictorial timetable for him showing what's happening in detail each day may help.  Putting time limits on things, showing them on the timetable.  Keep him occupied with things he enjoys doing.  Certain things, whilst you may find them irritating as an NT, need to be accommodated to keep him calm.  If he really likes the hand driers them I'd accommodate it.  If he likes getting dressed in a certain order, then that's easily accommodated.  I always get dressed in a certain order!   Most of us do if you think about it.  If you need to make changes then gently does it.  V small changes which you let settle in before moving on to the nxt small change.  It's important that he isn't stressed out.  It's important that you're not stressed out.  Is he practical?  Would he understand it was time to stop or defer till later an obsession because there was something better on offer?  There needs to be a "middle road" between his needs + your wants.  He isn't a typical child so he can't be treated like 1.  Any attempt to "force" him will not work + make matters worse.  A reward system can.  If you haven't looked yet, access the home pg for loads of info.  Does he go to nursery?  If he does, you may find he has different habits there.  Small steps.

Reply

  • Hi - he sounds similar to my son at that age.  What you describe isn't at all unusual for someone with autism.  He absolutely needs his routine, in detail, to keep him grounded in an ever-changing world he doesn't really understand.  For a Neuro-Typical person (not autistic) this can be v trying.  To NTs the insistence on sameness, especially when it's so detailed, can easily be dismissed as trivial.  Try to think differently.  Understand he seriously needs this to keep himself from panicking.  He is not spoilt - he is autistic.  There is a world of difference.  When he has a meltdown he is in a total panic, he is terribly frightened + has lost control.  Imagine how we would feel if that happened to us.  My son had a number of obsessions + at 4 he was also non-verbal, altho he could write single words + understand some words + phrases.   That made it difficult because I didn't always understand what had caused a meltdown so they were difficult to avoid.  I soon learnt there were things he really liked to do (obsessions) + never tired of them.  He got loads of pleasure from them + whilst they've changed over the years (he's an adult now) he still gets a great deal of enjoyment out of them.   I know you may feel you're over-indulging him, trying to do everything he wants to avoid a meltdown and/or to make him content.   This is where life can get difficult because always accommodating another person isn't possible or necessarily desirable.  Ground rules, if he understands them, are important.  If you spot another obsession developing, work out how it can be accommodated without causing too many problems.  Without knowing your son:  level of understanding, personality etc, it's difficult to advise.  Once an obsession is up + running, without any ground rules, then it's difficult to put in boundaries.  Perhaps doing a pictorial timetable for him showing what's happening in detail each day may help.  Putting time limits on things, showing them on the timetable.  Keep him occupied with things he enjoys doing.  Certain things, whilst you may find them irritating as an NT, need to be accommodated to keep him calm.  If he really likes the hand driers them I'd accommodate it.  If he likes getting dressed in a certain order, then that's easily accommodated.  I always get dressed in a certain order!   Most of us do if you think about it.  If you need to make changes then gently does it.  V small changes which you let settle in before moving on to the nxt small change.  It's important that he isn't stressed out.  It's important that you're not stressed out.  Is he practical?  Would he understand it was time to stop or defer till later an obsession because there was something better on offer?  There needs to be a "middle road" between his needs + your wants.  He isn't a typical child so he can't be treated like 1.  Any attempt to "force" him will not work + make matters worse.  A reward system can.  If you haven't looked yet, access the home pg for loads of info.  Does he go to nursery?  If he does, you may find he has different habits there.  Small steps.

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