sleeping with parents...how to end it as peacefully as possible!

Hi,

I have similar issues with my 11 year old son.  He won't sleep on the loft bed; has three quilts and a sleeping bag.  One quilt goes everywhere around the house with him.  He used to take the covers off, but I discovered he would keep some pillowcases on - these were some brushed cotton or flanelette ones.  So we went out and bought a brushed cotton duvet cover, which he keeps on.  

I've noticed if my son watches anything on TV, film, or in video games, which he finds scary or something's been said that causes him to get anxious, I have a lot of problems with bed times.  Therefore, I try to closely monitor what he is exposed to during the day.  As long as we're careful, he will sleep in his own room, but his door needs to be wide open and so does our door, plus the landing light on.  It isn't very often he does sleep in his own room though.

If he has seen or heard something he doesn't like, we usually have problems for a while and he ends up sleeping on the floor next to our bed or in his big sister's room.  Since a lot scares him, this is more often the case.

Some things I have noticed that help:  1) when his sister was away for 3 weeks, he was able to sleep in a pop up tent in her bedroom (no space in his room).  He seemed to feel safe in there.   2) My son takes a long time to settle and doesn't like to be the last person to fall asleep.  So I try getting him in to his room early (about 7.30pm) and we go into our room so we're all upstairs with him (he won't stay upstairs/downstairs alone).  This gives him plenty of time (2 hours or more)to settle and he feels safe knowing we're in the next room and still awake.  As long as he doesn't have a nightmare, he usually sleeps through in his room.

thanks, Toni and Lulu-belle for your comments.  i have tried sleeping bag idea.  did not work for us.

i have been restricting hugs to one per evening.  to help him get to sleep on his own.  i will tackle sleep soon!  the prospect of no sleep scares me...

i think it's really about biting the bullet and making things clear for him.  he's very much an all or nothing boy.

if anybody has any idea how much if any, notice i should give him, how much preparation, that would be great!

many thanks for your comments and support!

L

We had the same problem, my son would go to sleep (with the help of Melatonine!) but woke during the night and got into our bed. We went away camping for the first time with him ans we expected him to be murder during the night as he was in a strange place and in a tent but he slept all night and every night we were there. We soon realised it must of been that he was in a sleeping bag so he has slept in one ever since and only occasionally gets into our bed now, he still wakes in the night but doesn't get out of bed. He always threw his duvet off but stays in the sleeping bag, I think it makes him feel more secure

hi

this idea may not work for u as it depends on the layout of your home but i solved the problem by putting my sons bed by his door as my bedroom is opposite his he could see me when he was in bed so i could still reassure him.  Y our son is older but maybe a picture of you by his bed? sorry if this isn't any help and good luck!

Thanks lozenge, I like the sleeping bag idea and if I bought two I could always have one in the wash. Although in fact I am planning this week to collect a new single duvet that's been offered on Freecycle.

Always good to actually ask your kid what they want before you get it. I think I'lll ask him about the relative merits of sleeping bag vs. duvet.

hi Johnsmum,

the bit about the loft bed is hilarious, as i keep thinking i'd love to get my son a loft bed, but deep down i'm not sure if he'd actually want to sleep in it!  i was thinking of using it as a sort of climbing frame (with monkey bars and things) or even a swing of some description!

my son has a double duvet, as he wraps himself up around it, and i thought he'd appreciate the extra weight.

duvet cover?  hmm.  i only use 100% cotton.  my son has eczema and he sweats a lot at night: not a good combo with polyester.

if you had a sewing machine, you could always sew the duvet (as in, where the poppers are) and just keep rippin' and sewin' (a bit labour intensive, i have to admit, lol)

how about a sleeping bag (for the snuggness effect)? my son really likes it, sometimes, just for chilling out in...

best wishes

L

Hi Kabi,

thanks for your post! it really is helpful to hear from you.  my son is verbal, but not enough to express (perhaps even understand) what he is feeling.

i was wondering: do you remember if your parents gave you some warning, or a timetable? or did they just one day decide, right, that's it! you're sleeping in your own bed?

many thanks!

L

My son is 16 and still comes to sleep in our bed sometimes. There is not much room! (especially if he has been to the kitchen to get food in the middle of the night, let out the cat and the very large cat then joins us in bed!). Things are complicated by the fact that he currently sleeps in our spare room as there is now no bed in his own room and won't be till we have finished clearing and decorating the room.

Last week he spent a night sleeping on the sheepskin rug next to our bed, with two duvets (neither with a cover on) and two pillows. The next night we had a guest who was sleeping in the spare bed so we told John he *had* to sleep in our room. Funnily enough, he hasn't done so since! But this may of course not last. I am hoping once he has a bed in his own room he will revert to it (he never liked his loft bed, it was just me fulfilling a fantasy of my childhood..)

A related problem we have is that I can't put a cover on the duvet without it coming off within hours, usually the same night. The fact that buttons and poppers rapidly come off all duvet covers doesn't help. He uses two duvets at a time and one of them he takes down and wraps himself in all day (he is currently out of school). Of course they get filthy but I can only wash them about once a year when he is away at camp. Also one is down and doesn't wash well. Any bright ideas? Or any source of softer duvet covers, eg jersey, that he might leave on?

That sounds exactly what I was like. I did feel slightly rejected at the time, but I learned that I had to sleep by myself soon after, and with all the praise I got after words, it faded very quickly.

I'm afraid to say that I don't have any experience of social stories. I had to actually had to look it up. I'm sure it will work out fine.

hi Sandra,

yes, it was quite useful, actually.

on a practical basis: i was recommended to just put him back in his bed...hmmm

it seems a shame although i know that it is the right thing for him: but when he is asleep he is at peace, and it is nice, and comforting.  i have to remember this is not about me, it's about him, and his independence.  in my dreams he grows from it, and learns more about independence, and feels proud for 'doing it for himself'  

on the other hand...

thanks for the post.

any first/second/third hand experiences would be very welcome!

L

Thanks, Kabi,

it is helpful to hear! 

he can go to sleep ok (well...) it's just when he wakes up, he just comes to my bed.  usually i don't even wake up myself, not straight away.  it's when i want to move and i can't that i wake up, by then he is fast asleep: wrapped around me!

let's hope praise works for him too...i worry that he will feel rejected, because he may not understand why suddenly he has to really sleep in his own bed!  have you (Kabi) ever found that a social story was useful in any way? have you any experience of them?

many thanks for posting!

L

I can actually remember doing exactly this when I was younger. I can’t remember exactly what triggered it, but one night I woke up, and decided just to lie there. The day after, my parents showered me with praise over it and I just kind of went on from there.

Sorry if this doesn’t help about how to start it, but I know that the praise helped me.

Hi Lozenge

Perhaps this NAS information about sleep issues will have something you will find useful in it:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/sleep-and-autism-helping-your-child.aspx

There are some interesting ideas there. I hope it's helpful.

Would also be great to hear everyone's ideas about this.

Sandra