Autism- teenage and sexual/gender identity

Hi my 15 year old daughter is very confused about her sexuality. She has said that her school has caused her confusion and she is in a autism education setting.

Tricky subject matter. He may actually be gay, or he might be something else….or he might just not realise where he is in the grand scale of things. I wouldn’t say 11 is too young to know, and I have close family members and others experiences to go by. However, you said he doesn’t even know that that entails….!

I would keep the conversations going when he chooses to talk about it, otherwise just let it be. I know you are worried for him being vulnerable, but he has in his corner to watch out for him. He is actually just saying what he wants to say without defeat, which is actually quite positive. He will find out who cares and who doesn’t, which is also good for him going forward.

Both my children happen to be gay. One is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I suspected when they were about 11, and they knew from about age 13. 
The other I believe also has the same ASD/ADHD but doesn’t think they have any issues. They knew when they about 14. I knew when they they were 3!

Where I’m concerned, I hardly find people attractive. Growing up I never had the pop star and actor crushes. I knew I like the look of some, but never went mad over them like my peers. I couldn’t understand the fuss. Into my early 20’s I thought something was wrong with me. I even questioned if I was gay, but I knew I wasn’t interested in women in any shape or form. I was straight, but had no real desire for a relationships. That being said, I have had relationships, and had been married for a long time. I was single for 4 years after my divorce (no chats, dates, nothing), and then I met my current ex, who I fell for instantly. We were together for 2.5 years, and we’re still best friends. For me, if it happens, it happens, but I don’t need to chase it, and do not miss being in a relationship.

Regarding gender, I know I am a straight female, but honestly, I don’t see that, I just feel like me. A person. 

I'm glad you found this helpful, I know it can be difficult knowing how much to protect those around you when you can see all the danger that they're missing. 

The not knowing what's public information or not is almost certainly an autism thing. I and my brother both had it. I only lost mine after many years of bullying from my peers and being really confused why friends kept leaving me and adults kept yelling at me for talking about 'thing that are none of your concern' (never stopped them talking about it in front of a quiet child though) so I don't wish that experience on your son at all. Way too emotionally damaging and I just now don't tell anyone anything unless they're really really close which further impacts on my ability to form interpersonal connections. At the end of the day, I still can't distinguish.  My brother is also still really really bad at this.

He is quite possibly very vulnerable, other parents would probably be better equipped than I to tell you how to handle that. My only advice is to make sure he knows he can come to you if something dangerous is happening. Spotting said danger is hard for any kid, autism can make that much harder, so coming to you or another trusted person who can explain when he is uneasy or confused at something someone has done or said is a great protection. I used my parents and my non-autistic brother, all of whom were much better than me at deciphering what had gone wrong or what I had missed. Maybe make this an open option for him too? Open communication I think is likely to be your best option here.

Thanks for this, I really appreciate you sharing this. And it all makes good sense. 

The only challenge for me is how public he is about it all, he also tells total strangers he has a disability or autism and I worry about his vulnerability. 

I'll support him whatever his journey and wherever he goes, just want him to do it safely..

I think you need to find out where these ideas are coming from. Has he heard people/friends talking about them, watching TikTok, watching TV? I find it a bit strange he’s trying to label himself with things he doesn’t actually seem to understand but he might be trying to fit in with LGBTQ friends or TV/social media role models? My (ND) husband can very easily get swept away by that sort of thing as an attempt to fit in with the people around him. He had 2-3 friends come out as LGBTQ last year and he started trying to apply labels to himself, some really obscure ones as he couldn’t actually find one which truly fit him so he kept looking further and further. If your son is truly gay or non binary then that’s OK but he really does need to be able to make an informed decision about who he is which will likely take some time, research and maybe a bit more maturity, 11 is pretty young still, he will also have the added onset of puberty to confuse things further for him! Hope it all works out OK and he’s able to feel comfortable in himself

Ok, there are a few things going on here, so I'll try to identify with points individually.

First of all, the labels that people identify with can change over time, this can be either due to learning a label that better suits them or they themselves may change. Personally, I always knew that I wasn't attracted to boys. Always. And rather bizarrely I learnt that boys could be attracted to boys but not the same for girls and didn't put two and two together, I was and still am rather oblivious at times. I did however learn of the label asexual (no sexual attraction) and felt this suited until I found the label lesbian, and sapphic (attracted to non-men) at which point I went "oh yeah that makes sense" so in my case it was not having the words to describe what I was experiencing that caused my labels to change.

For my aro ace friend (doesn't feel sexual or romantic attraction) she knew the labels, but went through quite a few (bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, ace and demiromantic,) before arriving at the ones that she currently felt suited her. She had the language but took some time to come to a conclusion about what her experience was.

I think a lot of people assume 'coming out' is a one time thing and that you're always certain of your identity but it's not always the case and your son may just be exploring what he's currently experiencing, with the language and the knowledge that he's got, and that may change over time and you and your son need to be assured that that is OK. It is absolutely fine to discover bits of your identity over long periods of time or find that it changes. He's taking on new information and seeing how it fits with himself, everyone goes through this eventually, and in my personal experience, it's so much better to have the knowledge and language and then explore your identity rather than have the identity yelling in your head without the language to describe it, so I'd say what your son is currently doing is perfectly fine and nothing to be worried about. He may be gay, he may later decide that doesn't fit him, either way fighting him on it won't gain anything for either of you. 

For the second bit about ASC being related to this, there are a few schools of thought about this. First of all, non-confirming gender identities are much more common in people with ASC than the general population and this has been identified for a long time. I myself sit under the non-binary umbrella. There are a few schools of thought about why this may be and NAS does have a good page about it. The school of thought I most agree with is that as gender is at least partly a social construct, and autistic people often have an incongruence with social constructs and social norms, they are much more likely to identify outside of their assigned gender at birth or at the very least be more likely to recognise and accept that without trying to force themselves back into the social norms. I believe this may be what you are referring to. 

I've also seen some data about higher proportion of asexuals and aromantic people in autistic people but I have yet to see any data about ASC and homosexuality or same sex attraction, then again,  I haven't really looked. 

So overall, I wouldn't worry about it. Your son is exploring who he is and is using the language available to him to do so. It may change over time, it may not. Either way, he isn't making any life altering decisions by telling his friends he thinks he might be gay, and if his friendship group is anything like mine was, many of them will make statements about many identities over the years as the get through the puzzling time, and the best way to assist that process is as much information on the language that can be used as possible. Otherwise you're just confused with no way to explain it and it sucks.

Hope this helps, feel free to ask any questions if you have them