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Explaining parent has autism to child

NAS79899

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice. My wife has Aspergers and child NT. She feels very overwhelmed at times when he is asking for attention to the point where she screams for me to take him away from her. I try my best to read the signs, but also want to try and normalise things for my son. 

How and when is the right age to start to explain when and why mummy feels overwhelmed? 

I see lots of conversations the other way around but not much in this respect.

Finding it very hard and got upset this morning as he seemed so confused. He is 4. I understand that she feels overwhelmed but I also feel broken from constantly tiptoeing around trying for her not to feel overwhelmed. I then get told that I have never helped her and that she is disappointed in me. When she is frustrated she says very hurtful things and hard to just forget. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. 

Parents

  • At his age it will probably best to find a storybook like “My Mummy is Autistic” which was actually written by a 5 year old. There are also books about having autistic siblings which may also be useful. You might have to try and read a few to see what you think would be helpful. Have you looked online for age appropriate information videos as well that you can watch with him?

    with your wife have you told her how much she upsets you? Have you explained how you’re actually helping her? She might not have noticed that you are trying to help because she has different expectations about what she feels you need to do?

  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Thanks for your reply. I didn't know books like that existed and a good idea. I think she will be offended by it but will see if I can help her to understand how it will help us all.

    I have spoken to her many a time but genuinely think she doesn't care as its her that that is suffering the anxieties. 

    Her world is very black and white. I have either always helped her with everything or never have and how dare I say I have. On the other hand she has admitted saying things to be hurtful so very hard to know. 

    I think getting him to understand that there are triggers and for us to start to understand them together is the right way but please do correct me if I'm going about things wrong.

    Many thanks

Reply
  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Thanks for your reply. I didn't know books like that existed and a good idea. I think she will be offended by it but will see if I can help her to understand how it will help us all.

    I have spoken to her many a time but genuinely think she doesn't care as its her that that is suffering the anxieties. 

    Her world is very black and white. I have either always helped her with everything or never have and how dare I say I have. On the other hand she has admitted saying things to be hurtful so very hard to know. 

    I think getting him to understand that there are triggers and for us to start to understand them together is the right way but please do correct me if I'm going about things wrong.

    Many thanks

Children
  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Thanks,  Original Poster,  for sharing your situation.  i hope things have improved for you.

    I'm recently diagnosed, at 53 years of age. I want to find a way of explaining this to my 9 year old son, without worrying him. I don't think he is autistic. I'd be glad to hear how you got on talking to your child (i appreciate he is younger) or how others have approached this.

  • in reply to NAS79899

    4 is a tricky age, he does need an age appropriate explanation so he doesn’t become traumatised by her reactions but at the same time it can still be tricky for them to understand some things. She also will need to understand, which may be tricky with black and white thinking, that even if you explain to him now he probably won’t stop whatever is triggering her right away as he is still very little and has his own needs which he will want met by her. Young children are naturally self centred it’s just the way brains and consciousness develop. I had to explain to my 5 year old earlier that she had to do what we were doing/go where we were going at very short notice because my Mum had a call from my elderly uncle’s neighbour to say he was very worried about him and may need an ambulance(which he did). She did get upset about it because she wanted to stay at home and watch TV but I had to give my Mum a lift. An older child/person would prioritise those two activities differently