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11 year old girl aggressive towards sibling

NAS80220

Hi everyone. I need help and advice. My currently undiagnosed asd girl is having severe trouble with noise. If her sister (7) makes any kind of vocal noise she immediately gets aggressive and agitated. She will then fly into a rage and scream at her to shut up or try to physically hurt her. 

She has taken to being aggressive towards her out of the blue to the point her sister is scared of her and I am worried that someone will get hurt ie if she were to hit or push her near the stairs or her sister were to defend herself and hurt her too. 

I can't have them in the same room together and being in the car is awful with the constant bickering and lashing out at her sister. Its like she hates everything her sister does. 

I just cry all the time because I am just so out of my depth and no idea how to advocate for both of my children. 

  • She'll be responding with built-up resentment, it's not out of the blue. It's a bit like self defence and a survival mode, everyone has a limit. Imagine walking around all day and at whim someone starts popping gum in your ear. And it continues when you weren't looking or expecting it... for years.

    Noise is a difficult one. Certain frequencies can be grating. Kant (philosopher) appropriated music as the worst of the aesthetics because it could penetrate / invade your senses when you weren't desiring it. Frequency and Noise are used for sonic weaponry and for prison torture. It is no small matter. You also need to make sure the sister making the noise isn't antagonising the other as it seems to keep happening. 

    Let's call them Y = sister making the noise and X = for your undiagnosed daughter.

    Do they have seemingly pleasant conversations occasionally? Perhaps the car is a good place for them to wear headphones and use digital media of some sort. Allow it to become a place where they can intentionally be in their own world, with their own music or game. If nothing else - for safety.

    Silence is actually not a terrible thing. We can find other ways to communicate. In theatre classes or elocution classes, one is taught how to craft the voice in pleasant ways. We do this for business and diplomats. There IS an art to this and it wouldn't hurt in the least to explore all the possibilities with vocal expressions. In fact, it might give daughter Y further success in the world to see this challenge and seize the opportunity to create an aesthetic with her voice. Singing lessons can help, too. These are really enjoyable explorations and crafting the Self isn't just for a middle class art student who goes in to upper management. 

    It's important to help both X and Y explore matters of aesthetics with sound. I work in the field and just left a good deal of information on sound regarding another young autist who's having extreme difficulty with it: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/26859/severe-sensory-to-sounds-and-headbanging/236181#236181

    The most important complexity to note is autistic children can have extremely sensitive senses. Which can be amazing for a specialised field. Not just this, but it is the intensity at which they feel which is a element at play. We cannot dull our senses for various  reasons both scientifically and psychologically noted. Because of this, we are subjected to the elements and can often go our whole lives feeling incredibly unprotected and violated. 

    If your daughters can learn to be respectful toward one another, this is a start. But if Y is doing this on purpose because she secretly enjoys how out of control her sister becomes, it is another level of problem to solve.

  • I'm sorry to hear this. How old is your daughter, if you don't mind me asking? Does she have a pair of ear defenders she could use? If she is aggressive there are social stories available online which you could print and show her explaining that aggressive behaviour isn't nice or good. I hope this helps and sorry its not much. Don't give up. It's hard, I have a similar issue. 

  • Hi NAS80220

    I am currently in the same situation.  I have a nearly 10 year old boy and a 8 year old girl.  the nearly 10 year old has been diagnosed with ADHD and still waiting for an autism assessment!!!  Your two children sound just like my two and most days i have to part them.  They do get on and i know they love each other but my boy just struggles dealing with his emotions and the contact they have is getting more and more physical. I also do not know what to do but I have just recently contacted a nurse at the adhd team I deal with and they suggested i apply for a support worker to see if they can help.  Not sure how long this process will take but i will try anything.

    Are you in the process of getting an asd assessment?  Is there anyone you could ask for help?  Please reach out to someone

    Sorry i cannot give any further advice but all i can say is please do not blame yourself.  I am sure you are doing all you can.  I know it is hard seeing your children fight.

    I hope you get some help 

  • I read an article a while ago, about a little girl who was similar in behavior to your daughter, because noises of her sibling was overwhelming to her, she would get angry and aggressive towards her sibling, but she'd also have trouble concentrating in school, and making cause and effect connections. This little girl was diagnosed with adhd, and after she took adhd medication, her mood was more balanced, she could get along with her sibling, she showed empathy and started doing things to show care to her sibling and mother, she could make cause and effect connections in books and understand the motives behind the characters. However when the adhd medication started wearing off, she would start to feel overwhelmed and unhappy about the noise level again, and she'd be very uncomfortable, until it was time to receive another dose. If I can find the article I'll post it to you.

    And to be honest, your daughter might have autism and adhd, or it could be one or the other, or it could be something completely different, but I hope she gets properly diagnosed, so that there's suitable treatment for her.