I can't get my child to school

Hi Sarah

We are currently going through a very similar stage and being assessed next next month. Our daughter is nearly 15 and cant leave the house, wont engage in any way with other people outside of the family. She has been absent from school for nearly 14 months now.

Covid definitely highlighted the issues more. It was her perfect bubble, she could still exceed at her school work but didn't need to see anyone! I have found help through this community and also through Early Help, we tried CAMHS and although they had some useful suggestions she wouldn't engage.

I also bought her a book about Anxiety that she can work through at her own pace and now have visual aids on our fridge so she can see what is happening on a monthly/daily basis.

Its really hard and overwhelming when all you want is for your child to be happy, by telling people what you are going through and contacting people for help, you are doing an amazing job!! Don't ever forget that there is always someone who is willing to listen, you just have to keep pushing the professionals to get where you want to be for your child. Their mental health is the most important thing.

I'm sorry i can't give you the answers you need, but you are never alone. Good luck! x 

It could be the bottom line here is an issue of feeling safe. 

A child which appears 'emotionless' can actually be suffering from withdrawal. They might have Alexythemia. They might be hyper-sensory (emotionally) and experiencing an abundance of emotions (imagine a rainbow of paint being splashed on you. How to separate the colours?). Emotions are never simple - they are technically incredibly complex. Instead of discussing feeling, it can be much better to inquire and ask about Impact as this leaves room for experiences other than feeling. How to describe the feeling of being rained on? Everyone may have a different response. How to describe being trapped. These perhaps are more Poetic ways of describing feelings / emotions. But first have a think about how emotions are viewed by society. Or if there is someone in the family who is Over Emotional, they may experience very little room for their emotions. They may feel responsible or feel pointless. Again, these are not emotions but more of a consequence or impact. I'm in my late 40s. I still cannot pull apart all the emotions that I feel when encountering misogyny or a sense of being unprotected. 

Being hyper-sensitive to noise, frequencies, decibels and the onslaught of a school of children will severely impact the ability to learn. Sometimes it takes time to step away from a situation to get clarity on it. To focus, to breathe, to think clearly. In a lecture, one may not be allowed to bring a crying baby. In an operating room, silence may be the defining factor keep the surgeon mindful of precision. These would be unreasonable in a professional setting.

Sometimes the only last drop of control over not suffering, over not being exposed to chaos is to Stop. Halt. To pause - to freeze. To put one's foot down and say "No More". You can whip an animal into submission, but this is seen as inhumane. If your child is hypersensitive to noise and has finally discovered how much more they can thrive away from it or not suffer from it, I would find ways to encourage this. They may have a future in research or conservation or something where the environment is suitable. At the end of the day we all want to give our kids the best start in life we can. 

Your school can do something, regardless of a diagnosis. They can allow your child time out, or a quiet place to work. They can allow the use of ear defender for example. Anything that they can do to help your child attend school is a help. 

Your child needs to have a say in what might work, and what might help them attend. Even if they can only go in for half a day, it’s an improvement, and the school will just have to put up with it, and not mark this as being absent.

Thank you.

I've called the child development team waiting list is 9 to 12 months to get an appointment.

I've also called CAMHS waiting for them to call me back.

The school can't do anything until we have a plan from the child development center. 

On the plus side I'm doing a 6 weeks workshop for parents understanding austism. Cygnets from Hillingdon. Meeting other parents.

I feel like I can't do much more.

Sarah

Hello Sarah, this sounds so familiar to my own story. My daughter started school refusal at the age of 10. Nothing I did worked , meetings at school and relevant children's services. After, many meetings and still school refusal it was decided I home school or face fines!! The system didn't really help. Have you heard or looked at PDA? My daughter started college at 15 and completed 2 years, unfortunately though things haven't gone so well due to the pandemic. 

Wish you all the best. 

Jackie (mum)

Hi Sarah, I understand the troubles you are facing. I was in a similar position a few years ago before my daughter was diagnosed. Could they be put on a reduced timetable? In my daughters school, there was a room for children who struggled more than others, is there something like that in their school? If they don't like it when there is too many people, could they be released from lesson earlier than others so they miss the crowds. Since they struggle getting out of bed, could they go to school after lunch, so they miss the lunch crowds, and do 1 lesson maybe, then come home. Would they benefit from wearing ear defenders or ear plugs to reduce the noise? I don't know if this would help but my daughter really benefited on a reduced timetable and being away from others but what works for one, might not work for another. I wish you the best of luck.