My relationship with my Autistic stepson is breaking down.

This seems like a lot. 

Who's family is the autism in? It's genetic so this would be important to find out. There could be a grandparent he relates to the best, for instance who could intervene.  I am finding some of this a bit difficult. Not going to school could mean getting bullied (needing to see friends but afraid to) For most autistics, social skills are things we lack or have severe difficulty with. Usually we don't even know how big of an issue this is until much older. We tend to feel incredibly excluded. 

And lying is not just really difficult. It might happen if we feel our life is in danger. But it is SO hard to lie precisely because for many, it is difficult to Not See Discrepancy (we can appear too critical, we're not at all, it's hard not to see discord, dissymmetry.) There is a reason behind this & it's been found that the autistic brain is working bi-lateral rather than asymmetrical.  For instance, I had to learn the difference between Affording Dignity and Telling a Lie. I had to learn the purpose of the drama in daily society or the purpose of everyone in the room lying or the purpose of polite but meaningless exchange. THESE are things autistics can struggle with. We can appear immature but many have intense difficulty with language, which results in learning somethings slower, which means we cannot work out how to use words properly to manipulate . We appear undisciplined but when introduced to tools to engage in fundamental overly clear ways we understand, it makes life easier for us. We tend toward practical help, never vague. But if subjected to too much confusion with language or semiotics or subjected to on-going assaults on our senses we can shut down and appear vacant or like a brick wall.

There's an interesting quick read that explains things from an autistic perspective called A Field Guide To Earthlings. Could be a good peel through.

When you say "Spoilt Princess" I'm really not sure what you mean. So many individuals have different interpretations of this. 

There's a term psychologists call PDA, which many of us will re-classify as Pervasive Desire for Agency. From a young age we can experience being misheard, misunderstood, we can be continually falsely accused and go through life feeling unprotected and isolated (again, back to language). Being subjected to elements of torture if we're hyper-sensory, sends any autistic kid into Survival Mode. Some go mute. Some self-harm. We don't need to get 'our way' we need to feel Loved. Cared for. Understood. One of the best ways to feel understood is when someone allows us to "Info-dump".  If you look this up on Twitter, a ton of Actually Autistic humans will be having fun with it. It's quite enjoyable. 

NAS79141 said:

Recently on a visit, he told my wife that these were the consequences for leaving her dad.

There's an element in this of not affording agency, of trapping someone. if either parent has done this to him, he may be mirroring back how he's been engaged with. It sounds like as parents you could all use some therapy for the sake of this kid. Perhaps it is spiteful because there's an insurmountable build up from years of forced silence and the tension can no longer be held back. Divorce is hard for all kids. Somehow this one needs to be shown healthier ways of Problem Solving. 

This seems like a lot. 

Who's family is the autism in? It's genetic so this would be important to find out. There could be a grandparent he relates to the best, for instance who could intervene.  I am finding some of this a bit difficult. Not going to school could mean getting bullied (needing to see friends but afraid to) For most autistics, social skills are things we lack or have severe difficulty with. Usually we don't even know how big of an issue this is until much older. We tend to feel incredibly excluded. 

And lying is not just really difficult. It might happen if we feel our life is in danger. But it is SO hard to lie precisely because for many, it is difficult to Not See Discrepancy (we can appear too critical, we're not at all, it's hard not to see discord, dissymmetry.) There is a reason behind this & it's been found that the autistic brain is working bi-lateral rather than asymmetrical.  For instance, I had to learn the difference between Affording Dignity and Telling a Lie. I had to learn the purpose of the drama in daily society or the purpose of everyone in the room lying or the purpose of polite but meaningless exchange. THESE are things autistics can struggle with. We can appear immature but many have intense difficulty with language, which results in learning somethings slower, which means we cannot work out how to use words properly to manipulate . We appear undisciplined but when introduced to tools to engage in fundamental overly clear ways we understand, it makes life easier for us. We tend toward practical help, never vague. But if subjected to too much confusion with language or semiotics or subjected to on-going assaults on our senses we can shut down and appear vacant or like a brick wall.

There's an interesting quick read that explains things from an autistic perspective called A Field Guide To Earthlings. Could be a good peel through.

When you say "Spoilt Princess" I'm really not sure what you mean. So many individuals have different interpretations of this. 

There's a term psychologists call PDA, which many of us will re-classify as Pervasive Desire for Agency. From a young age we can experience being misheard, misunderstood, we can be continually falsely accused and go through life feeling unprotected and isolated (again, back to language). Being subjected to elements of torture if we're hyper-sensory, sends any autistic kid into Survival Mode. Some go mute. Some self-harm. We don't need to get 'our way' we need to feel Loved. Cared for. Understood. One of the best ways to feel understood is when someone allows us to "Info-dump".  If you look this up on Twitter, a ton of Actually Autistic humans will be having fun with it. It's quite enjoyable. 

NAS79141 said:

Recently on a visit, he told my wife that these were the consequences for leaving her dad.

There's an element in this of not affording agency, of trapping someone. if either parent has done this to him, he may be mirroring back how he's been engaged with. It sounds like as parents you could all use some therapy for the sake of this kid. Perhaps it is spiteful because there's an insurmountable build up from years of forced silence and the tension can no longer be held back. Divorce is hard for all kids. Somehow this one needs to be shown healthier ways of Problem Solving.