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My relationship with my Autistic stepson is breaking down.

NAS79141

This is my first post, and my first time talking about this.

I have a stepson, and trans boy. He is approaching 16 and was diagnosed last year.

I am really struggling, I've tried to understand, I've tried to learn. But I know it's me and my decreasing empathy that is the problem. 

If I can fill in some background. I met my stepson when he was 9 and still very much a girl. She was difficult for me only because she was the stereotypical little princess. Absolutely spoilt and privileged. As well as lazy, messy a liar and manipulative with no respect for people or property at all. It didn't sit well with my tough and very poor upbringing as an illegitimate child in the early 60's.   As she was just nine I thought she'd just grow up. Her mum and me decided to to get two places so it wouldn't be a total   change for her, she'd live with her mum in a new home and I'd live nearby. So far so good.

At this point her father who had been working in Australia and only visiting her every three months, lost his job and returned home. This is important as the daughter then decided she wanted to live with her dad, and she did. The daughters behavior became worse, and without the diagnosis we put it down to poor parenting. The father did struggle with what he kept calling control. My wife and myself helped by doing all the laundry and keeping the ex husbands house clean and tidy for him. However this was also a 'problem for me' I hadn't factored in a kind of relationship with her ex.

Roll onto a year and a half ago, the daughter is diagnosed with Autism (which she wouldn't accept) Then shortly after that she announced  that she wanted to be a boy. My wife and myself accepted this, but the ex didn't and still wont.

To the crunch. Since the diagnosis his behavior has worsened. Two days in school so far for 2022. On top of this is suicidal feelings, self harm depression. At this point I'm doing my best to understand. But I've constantly struggled with the what I call conflicting issues. For example he wont go to school, he says he really wants to but can't. By Friday afternoon he is out with friends, cinema theatre restaurants sleep overs.....to all intents a normal kid. The suicide mentions are only used when he is in trouble, usually for lies or when a demand or challenge is made. And the self harm is pin pricks on the back of the hand which he said he wanted to keep from everyone? Recently on a visit, he told my wife that these were the consequences for leaving her dad. And just this weekend after three days with us he had several 'accidents' in our house that have caused thousands of pounds worth of damage. 

I know my stepson has issues. But I'm struggling and failing to understand how it can be what appears to me to be able to switched on and off when suits. Is this normal.

I need to address this as it's long term and I'd like him to be with us here in Brighton rather than a village where his issues and sexuality are dismissed.

Arrrrgggghhhh Help.

  • This seems like a lot. 

    Who's family is the autism in? It's genetic so this would be important to find out. There could be a grandparent he relates to the best, for instance who could intervene.  I am finding some of this a bit difficult. Not going to school could mean getting bullied (needing to see friends but afraid to) For most autistics, social skills are things we lack or have severe difficulty with. Usually we don't even know how big of an issue this is until much older. We tend to feel incredibly excluded. 

    And lying is not just really difficult. It might happen if we feel our life is in danger. But it is SO hard to lie precisely because for many, it is difficult to Not See Discrepancy (we can appear too critical, we're not at all, it's hard not to see discord, dissymmetry.) There is a reason behind this & it's been found that the autistic brain is working bi-lateral rather than asymmetrical.  For instance, I had to learn the difference between Affording Dignity and Telling a Lie. I had to learn the purpose of the drama in daily society or the purpose of everyone in the room lying or the purpose of polite but meaningless exchange. THESE are things autistics can struggle with. We can appear immature but many have intense difficulty with language, which results in learning somethings slower, which means we cannot work out how to use words properly to manipulate . We appear undisciplined but when introduced to tools to engage in fundamental overly clear ways we understand, it makes life easier for us. We tend toward practical help, never vague. But if subjected to too much confusion with language or semiotics or subjected to on-going assaults on our senses we can shut down and appear vacant or like a brick wall.

    There's an interesting quick read that explains things from an autistic perspective called A Field Guide To Earthlings. Could be a good peel through.

    When you say "Spoilt Princess" I'm really not sure what you mean. So many individuals have different interpretations of this. 

    There's a term psychologists call PDA, which many of us will re-classify as Pervasive Desire for Agency. From a young age we can experience being misheard, misunderstood, we can be continually falsely accused and go through life feeling unprotected and isolated (again, back to language). Being subjected to elements of torture if we're hyper-sensory, sends any autistic kid into Survival Mode. Some go mute. Some self-harm. We don't need to get 'our way' we need to feel Loved. Cared for. Understood. One of the best ways to feel understood is when someone allows us to "Info-dump".  If you look this up on Twitter, a ton of Actually Autistic humans will be having fun with it. It's quite enjoyable. 

    NAS79141 said:
    Recently on a visit, he told my wife that these were the consequences for leaving her dad.

    There's an element in this of not affording agency, of trapping someone. if either parent has done this to him, he may be mirroring back how he's been engaged with. It sounds like as parents you could all use some therapy for the sake of this kid. Perhaps it is spiteful because there's an insurmountable build up from years of forced silence and the tension can no longer be held back. Divorce is hard for all kids. Somehow this one needs to be shown healthier ways of Problem Solving. 

  • I should have said. I see his autism the same as his previous spoilt princess behavior. When I know I should be seeing his princess behavior as early autism.