Hi all, I new here and didn't know where to begin. To avoid the very long read below: how do you motivate a teenager ( who is on the spectrum) to try to participate in everyday activities or conform to social norms even slightly if they do not see the point and don't accept that norms should be conformed to?
Please bear with me if I sound impatient with my son who has enough to deal with and massive anxieties around everyday life. I am not new to autism but only recently accepting that his life is not going to be the way I expected it to be.
Long story:
My son is 18 and on the spectrum. He managed to get through mainstream education with 25 hours classroom support per week and passed his GCSEs and BTEC. School was a struggle as his social skills were so poor, and he often lashed out verbally at other pupils and staff. He was often taken out of lessons due to anxiety. Nevertheless he wasn't too unhappy at school although he was adamant that after GCSEs he wasn't going back.
Since leaving school he has tried two different college courses which he was unable to maintain longer than a few months due to poor executive function and anxiety (which led to behaviour jssues). I fought hard to get support for him in college but he got so far behind with his work (I don't think he did any any, at all) that he hated college and refused to go back. It didn't help that his first attempt happened during lockdown so he had to work from home, which was hard.
He is now on a course which prepares students to work if they are not in education or training
Since he left his last course I'm feeling more and more hopeless about his future. While he was in school with support it was easy to forget how difficult everyday life is for him. He is high functioning and gives people the impression that he is intelligent but there are so.many things we take for granted as easy to do but which he can't do without a LOT of help.
While he was in school I put off worrying about what we would do next as he seemed to be coping, and persuaded myself that things would fall into place. I really underestimated how hard things actually are for him. Now that the routine and familiarity of school has gone he seems adrift and has gone really downhill. His mental health has deteriorated and he often feels depressed or anxious. (Yes, we have tried getting help from the NHS). He won't engage with any of the support services we were able to find in the community as being around people makes him anxious. He is close to dropping out of the skills course.
As I said his executive function is poor. He can't organise himself to get dressed, wash, eat clean himself, wear clean clothes or anything without support. He can't remember things he's supposed to be doing, appointments etc. He can do all these things with a lot of prompting but is incredibly challenging about it. He can be verbally aggressive if asked to do basic things like get up or put clean clothes on. He challenges me on why he has to do anything like try to adhere to a daily routine, plan for the future and work towards paid employment - why should he participate in society at any level? Or even wash his hair, ever. I can't answer him because logical arguments do not work.
I realise I come across as not very understanding of his limitations and apologise if this is offensive. I love my son so much, I think I always assumed things would get better as he got older (and never really realised how hard life was for him until now). I'm only now facing up to the reality that he will not lead a typical life, and it is scary.
Ifanyone has any advice on how I can be a better parent to him I will take it as I know I need it.
And if anyone has advice on getting teenagers to do thigs they see as pointless, please send it my way too
If you read this far, thank you so much for your patience. I know we're all struggling and many have it so much much worse than our family.
