Autism or neglect?

I'm becoming increasingly concerned about a young boy I know, he's ten years old and homeschooled. His mother has self diagnosed autism and uses it to excuse his behaviour and his lack of development.

He can verbally communicate like any other 10 year old, understands instructions, can play games requiring rules etc he can control a pen to draw. He plays computer games like minecraft. He walks and runs perfectly well. Plays tennis and swims etc

However, he can't read (at all), he can't write or spell. He still goes in a pushchair. I know from conversations with other parents who know them that his mother still takes him to the bathroom, she bathes him and they share a bed. Whenever I've seen him have a tantrum, she starts panicking saying things like "okay okay we don't have to do that". He freaks out if his needs aren't met instantly, she has several bags with her always, containing spare clothes, medi kit, food, drinks, activities, blanket etc. He tends to ignore adults, but talks fine with other children. The mum has said to another mum she prefers him to have younger friends cause she doesn't want him to grow up too fast. She says she prefers unschooling, and doesn't ever make him do work.

It's very odd, and I fear she's using autism to cover up the fact she's failed to teach him how to read and write. She does everything she can to prevent tantrums, she panders to his behaviour. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it simple.o

I don't know, I'm wondering if parents of actual diagnosed children feel like this is familiar or if something is off. Does this sound like autism or neglect

Parents
  • If she is autistic then that might make it difficult for her to manage, she might be on auto pilot and just stuck in a rut she can't get out of.  If she is pushing people away including social services then that isn't great - I'm surprised they let her.   You can do things your way to an extent, but beyond a certain point and it is neglect or abuse.

    Best thing is to talk to social services, not in a malicious way though, just share your concerns and see if they need to be involved.

  • It's actually fairly easy to stay off the radar when homeschooling if you have never been in the school system, which this boy hasn't. You send in a yearly report and you're pretty much left alone. She's very anti vaccination, anti school, anti education. Doesn't reach out for support because she doesn't want social services sniffing around. The more I discuss the situation with other parents who know her, the more I'm convinced something isn't quite right. Particularly co-sleeping with a boy heading for pubity, and wanting to prevent him making friends with his peers. Perhaps professional involvement would ensure the boy has access to a suitable education and the mother is supported. 

  • I had previously written a response to the response you sent me but I’ve deleted it as I don’t think your on here trying to educate yourself about autism in order to help this mum and her son.   

    Are you looking for confirmation from an online forum that this mother is unfit? 

    If you feel this child is in danger or being neglected  your should be immediately contacting the police or social services for them to carry out a welfare check.

    Making a profile on NAS community to ask strangers who have no knowledge of this child or her mother circumstances is not ideal but I can see why you have and tbh this mother could just be saying these things to you to cut you off from asking personal questions about her and her child’s business or prying questions questioning her life style choices as she knows you and the other parents don’t agree with her beliefs.

    You have said you aren’t friends you know her from a group, you are not actively involved in either of their lives so I think it would be hard for you to see the full picture of what goes on.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing a bed with your child, the child could be a sleep walker he could need to sleep in his mums room for his own safety, maybe that’s the only bed he will settle in and the mum does it purely so she can sleep as it’s exhausting being autistic and parenting a child who is autistic.

    The father should be more understanding regarding bed sharing and is there anyway he could home school the reading and writing part of his sons education? It’s his child too. 

    I share a bed with my youngest and I shared a bed with my eldest until he was 7 the only reason he started sleeping in his own bed was because I was heavily pregnant. 
     
    Do you home school your child ? Is that why you know it’s fairly easy to stay off the radar? 

    I only allowed social work involvement in my childrens lives 2.5 years ago as I grew up in the care system and had many negative experiences. I believed that I was letting myself and my children down by asking for help, I kept thinking I am their parent and should be managing them and myself and I felt I would be judged on every aspect of the areas I was struggling in, thankfully I wasn’t judged and they have been an excellent support.

    I think the only answer is for you to contact social work about your concerns and ask for a welfare check as otherwise this mum and child will continue to be your topic of conversations and maybe it will help the mum actually receive a diagnosis for her son and herself and potentially lead to some support. 

  • Ok, now I've read some of your other comments above, you DO need to raise your concerns with social services.

    This kid's needs need to be met and it sounds like they aren't.  It may be that mum just needs a hand to properly define and meet those needs, or it could equally be a munchausen by proxy type thing, which would be just as damaging as an unmet autistic need for that kid.

  • I think I might just leave it for a bit and see how things are at future meets. I know having a special needs child can be hard work, motherhood in general is exhausting. She's so extremely anti social services, perhaps it would cause a lot of distress.

    It just saddens me that this boy might not actually have all these things, and she just doesn't want him to grow up and enjoy things other kids his age enjoy. He has very little independence, he doesn't even use the toilet without his mum, but he play tennis and draws and has the motor abilities to use a toilet. Maybe I just don't understand autism and the concern is misplaced. Everyone seems to be saying it's all normal, so maybe it is. 

  • I think for you own piece of mind it would be worth while contacting social services and saying your concerns about the child and your concerns that the mother has no support and is under lots of pressure and is fearful of help. Since the mother is reluctant to make the first step maybe it would help if someone done it for her and then she may see that the social work are there to help and support the family. 

    You could also offer her some support, a coffee and cake with you and her kid try and get to know her a bit better, if you have a local carers centre you could ask someone to come along to one of your meetings to talk about what a carer role is and what help is there for a family who have a person with declining health, a disability etc. It would be very informative of all the parents. I never classed myself as a carer but once it was explained to me I realised my role as carer/mum to neurodiverse children was a lot more work than a parent of a neurotypical child of the same age and that made me a carer. 

    I apologise I thought when you were mentioning self diagnosis you were referring to her own self diagnosis. 

    Any child who potentially has a disability deserves to have an assessment to confirm this. They have a right to support in order to thrive in their child hood and adult hood.

     I don’t know if this wee boys is being neglected but a lot of the behaviours you have described are typical autistic, PDA and adhd behaviours but again I am not qualified to diagnose or make judgment on another family. 

Reply
  • I think for you own piece of mind it would be worth while contacting social services and saying your concerns about the child and your concerns that the mother has no support and is under lots of pressure and is fearful of help. Since the mother is reluctant to make the first step maybe it would help if someone done it for her and then she may see that the social work are there to help and support the family. 

    You could also offer her some support, a coffee and cake with you and her kid try and get to know her a bit better, if you have a local carers centre you could ask someone to come along to one of your meetings to talk about what a carer role is and what help is there for a family who have a person with declining health, a disability etc. It would be very informative of all the parents. I never classed myself as a carer but once it was explained to me I realised my role as carer/mum to neurodiverse children was a lot more work than a parent of a neurotypical child of the same age and that made me a carer. 

    I apologise I thought when you were mentioning self diagnosis you were referring to her own self diagnosis. 

    Any child who potentially has a disability deserves to have an assessment to confirm this. They have a right to support in order to thrive in their child hood and adult hood.

     I don’t know if this wee boys is being neglected but a lot of the behaviours you have described are typical autistic, PDA and adhd behaviours but again I am not qualified to diagnose or make judgment on another family. 

Children
  • Ok, now I've read some of your other comments above, you DO need to raise your concerns with social services.

    This kid's needs need to be met and it sounds like they aren't.  It may be that mum just needs a hand to properly define and meet those needs, or it could equally be a munchausen by proxy type thing, which would be just as damaging as an unmet autistic need for that kid.

  • I think I might just leave it for a bit and see how things are at future meets. I know having a special needs child can be hard work, motherhood in general is exhausting. She's so extremely anti social services, perhaps it would cause a lot of distress.

    It just saddens me that this boy might not actually have all these things, and she just doesn't want him to grow up and enjoy things other kids his age enjoy. He has very little independence, he doesn't even use the toilet without his mum, but he play tennis and draws and has the motor abilities to use a toilet. Maybe I just don't understand autism and the concern is misplaced. Everyone seems to be saying it's all normal, so maybe it is.