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divorce

NAS78130

Hi There,

My 11-year-old son is autistic and unfortunately, his father has left us on our wedding anniversary last September.  He is extremely controlling and I am being supported by the local domestic abuse services for myself and my daughter.

My main concern is my son and his interaction with his unstable parent. His father has left or has had a nervous breakdown many times in our life together. The father cannot recognise many emotions, especially other people's emotions. They make him stressed and he often loses control of himself either by an angry behaviour in return or by leaving in his car. 

My son needs a routine and organisation which he has in our home together but his father finds timetables, charts, family meetings and ani other kinds of organisation controlling and cannot cope with them.

He is also behaving as if he is ashamed of our son's diagnosis and cannot talk about it to anyone. I have had to speak to football coaches, scouts leaders and anyone who looks after our son knows behind his father's back to make sure our son is looked after accordingly when we are not with him.

Communication with my son's father is extremely difficult because that's another thing he cannot do: listen and accept that he doesn't know everything better than anyone else. When I raise concerns, he talks about anything on and on and on but discard my concerns or even blames me for being mad.

He does not interact with our children and I would say that he can only talk about football with our son and nothing really with our daughter. there is very little connection between them. he has always worked obsessively and as a result, I have always been the main carer for the children.

He is now behaving as if he owns the children and wants them to go and stay with him which scares me incredibly. The last time he had a panic mode leaving fit, he spent 2 days and nights in his car, planning his suicide, he had also taken the children's passports with him......

Until now, I have managed to keep the contact with the children from our home where they have the support of the community and where there are organised activities like football or scouts and in public places but I have received a letter from his solicitor giving me a deadline of 14 days to make changes....

Can someone advise me what to do, please? I am terrified for the safety of my son.

  • It's important that you prioritize your son's safety and well-being in any decisions you make regarding his interaction with his father. You may want to consider seeking legal advice and consulting with a therapist or counselor who has experience working with families of children with autism.
    You may also find helpful resources and information on the website www.familienrecht-ratgeber.com. They offer guidance on family law issues such as child custody and support, which may be relevant to your situation.

  • in reply to NAS78130

    Seriously, you need a solicitor working for you full on.  Depending on your circumstances you might get legal aide.  They need to regularise the contact situation while the divorce goes ahead.  If his behaviour is a risk to you or the children, they could even issue an injunction to keep him away from the property irrespective of any ownership or rent paying rights.  Then, just change the locks.  It would need court orders for both those things though.

    Meanwhile, keep a log of everything he does, irrespective of whether this is unwittingly he just didn't know any better or purposefully tried to hurt any of you.

  • in reply to Dawn

    Thank you for sharing your experience Dawn. I live with our papers in my bag everyday. He has a key of the house so I cannot hide them. He lies unbelievably.

    I have contacted the professionals who diagnosed my son to talk to them about it. They too recognised that he shows traits of autism and I agree, a life with autism without support would not go without trauma.

    I am terrified that he will try to have the children. He does not even recognise our son's needs. 

    I have a few contacts with solicitors. I have also contacted a divorce coach.

  • Have you got a solicitor?  If not, you need to get one fast.

    I have been through something similar.  I left my son's father to protect my son from his harmful behaviour many years ago.

    A court order could put strong parameters on your husband's contact with them and in view of his past behaviour they are unlikely to allow him overnight stays. Also, I note your mention of domestic abuse. The courts may insist that he sees them only when supervised by another family member. Or they could even stop his contact altogether.   If there is any immediate danger your solicitor would go for an emergency court order.

    It's not a matter of punishing him or anything, but in keeping you and your children safe.

    I can see he's going for shared custody.  My ex tried going for custody too.  And yes, it's one of the scariest things I ever went through.  BUT, he didn't get it.  The Children's Act says that every decision that the courts make must be about the "welfare of the child".  They'll take one look at that behaviour and...he won't get custody.  But you must make sure you have a solicitor and that they have as much evidence as you can give them.  Remember, a child over 7 is entitled to have their views taken into account.  If they are happier with you, again ...he won't get custody.

    Meanwhile, hmmm....ok we aren't clinical psychologists, but I think Catlover could well be right...is he autistic too?  If he's gone all his life undiagnosed, he could have a MH problem there too for which he needs help.  Either way, unless and until he can sort himself out, best he only has supervised contact with the kids and only if they want even that much.

    Make sure you get a hold of their passports and hide them. 

  • in reply to Catlover

    Hi, Thank you for your message. I don't know if he is autistic but I certainly recognise the same behaviours as my son's with far more intensity. I also know that his uncle suffers from bipolar disorder.

    To be honest, I feel very isolated and feel that nobody is listening to me. I am very scared. He is asking for shared custody of the children.

    I don't know what else to do. The deadline on the letter is 14 days from last Monday.

  • Firstly, I have to ask, could he be on the spectrum? Some of the things you mention make me think that. He could also be suffering with Bi polar, which is common in those with ASD as well….

    Your sons safety is paramount. You need to explain to who it concerns, that it may not be safe for contact to happen outside of your home. Is he going to try and apply for custody? What is the deadline for?