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ASD Son - distinguishing ASD vs typical teenager behaviour?!

NAS77729

First-time poster on these forums, looking for advice!

My Son, now 17, was diagnosed with ASD at 5. He is high-functioning, has attended mainstream school and my Wife and I often describe him as being ‘touched by a brush’ with ASD. Most people wouldn’t notice his quirks and he doesn’t exhibit many of the classic Autism traits (if there really is such a thing!), but he has OCD behaviours and anxiety problems and has always struggled to form meaningful friendships. So in the greater scheme of things, and compared to others with more severe ASD, he is relatively ok - but this blurring of lines between NT and Autistic behaviours is complex to fathom and has been the single biggest parenting challenge since the diagnosis, but especially so during these later teenage years.

So, for example, he is quite lazy and unfocused - a bit like I was at that age, but this is on another level entirely. We constantly have to nag him to keep on top of college work - and the expectation level here is at least the bear minimum, we are not pushing for A* grades or anything! His avoidance of work usually leads to workload building up which in turn adds to his stress and anxiety. We’ve had lots of calm/rational/supportive discussions about how to organise himself better to avoid these situations, so it’s not always a nag and we are trying to be creative with monetary incentives for example, but he continues to repeat the same behaviours and will often cite stress as the reason to avoid doing the work (‘I can’t help it, I’m really stressed right now’).

How do we know how much of this is truly ASD related vs a lazy teen who is reluctant to take responsibility for organising himself? We are just trying to prepare him for some kind of working life and are concerned that simply avoiding anything that’s stressful, will lead to him being unable to do much at all independently.

Note, this isn’t all about college work, just an example. It also applies to getting himself up in the morning, sticking to exercises that are intended to help him cope with OCD/anxiety, learning to manage his own finances etc - just anything that isn’t gaming or requires a bit of commitment without instant gratification!

  • in reply to NAS77729

    Is he in a college program that is a part of his personal interest? Also, if he has anxiety then he might have trouble sleeping because of it, so that might also be a reason why he is gaming till the early hours of the morning, because he has issues falling asleep. 

    People with sensitivities to gluten, which people who are autistic can struggle with, can trigger anxiety and depression and trouble sleeping (often rolling around in bed till morning, but when I knew it was hopeless to fall asleep, I'd try to get up and do something like play a game, and they'd think I was being irresponsible, playing games till the morning hours). Anyways, I cut off gluten for about a week and the anxiety and depression left with it, along with some other physical health issues I was having, but when I eat gluten again, the anxiety, depression, and other health issues returns. And after about a month without gluten, I could naturally feel drowsy and fall asleep at night, which is a first for me. I could never do that before. So food sensitivities might also be an area to explore. 

    Also there are melatonin capsules that can help people fall asleep. Melatonin is naturally produced in the body already, and melatonin is that "drowsy" feeling people get before they fall assleep. So it might help. 

  • Wow - thanks for the detailed and insightful responses!

    To clarify, I’m not concerned with gaming as a favourite activity, especially since this is also a bit of a social outlet too. It’s more about how this is regulated - eg, gaming until early hours of the morning on certain days is not going to make it easy to get up for college. Or gaming to relieve the stress of having to complete work that is expected is not really helping to overcome the source of stress. But I know this is likely an issue for parents of any child in this day and age.

    interesting comments about ADD and executive functioning. We are thinking of having him re-assessed to see if there are other things at play.

    The crux of my question was really about knowing when to be firm and when to make allowances for things. I probably didn’t explain that too well. It seems this is the black art of parenting children and young adults with these complex conditions.

  • Whatever way they're teaching him in college, and the things he's doing for his health (getting up in the morning, sticking to exercises) and managing his finances, are more stressful and not as amusing as gaming.

    For me, I make work into a game, so I'll play that so-called game for hours. But I really hate how things are structured and laid out in school, because it's not done at your pace, it's rushed, and rushing learning makes it overwhelming and very stressful. No one's brains receives information well during stressful situations, because stress triggers a fight-or-flight response, and that's not a good state of mind to learn in.

    When people are having fun (such as in a game), they are in an exploratory state of mind, they are engaged, they are receptive, and remember a lot of things. People can have a high recall rate of their favourite game, book, musical song, movie, but they can't really remember learning much of anything in school. 

  • Transitioning to adulthood is difficult at best, worse with stunted relationships. All human beings need something which drives and motivates them. What is he potentially skilled at?

    side note:Gaming can be a way of winding down and checking out. My father is in his late 60s, has built computers to deal with atomic particles and plays World of Warcraft most nights as TWO characters (one healer one fighter Rolling eyes). My brothers and my son play video games- one brother is a neurosurgeon the others teach maths and physics at universities. This to say- it’s not always a hinderance. Sometimes it is helpful for an over active brain so they can sleep. My job is like playing video games so I tend to read to wind down. 

    At 17 they become increasingly aware of this daunting horizon, this sort of impending doom. The world is no longer this exciting whirlwind to help them escape boredom like it was in the 80s or 90s. There’s so much pressure that some self harm to deal, others shut down. The autistic brain (regardless of added needs) already has difficulty with language, and therefore connexion.  Language and it’s secret codes and meaning, according to Lacan and Freud, is how NeuroTypicals mature, by intaking those codes and “transmuting” desire into civilised behaviours. Autistics tend to grow up slower, though we may be aware we’re “falling behind” our peers, we don’t usually understand why. This can be debilitating. And no one can grow or learn or become weighed down by so much and so much they cannot understand.

    With my son, I made a decision to focus on helping him discover grounded values, principles or ethics. These are building blocks for a life worth living in my opinion, and something which can aid most autistic individuals with relationships- no man is an island. But at 17 my son was just trying to survive. What I have learned is that investing in time spent with him, has always had the most impact, along with my investing in personal growth. If you can afford to help him succeed: One day at a time, one thing at a time, then you will help set him up for life by 30. If we try and force a process, (instant gratification) then there may be areas of stunted growth that will always hold our kids back. No one really has it all together till later in life anyway. 

  • Sounds like executive functioning issues which are part of ASD. They’re also a huge part of ADHD which is often also present alongside ASD, something to consider as you’ve described him as “being touched by a brush with ASD”