Son always thinking he knows better.

You’re oldest sounds like he is trying hard like every young man to mature and failing. Realising he’s failing and then trying to cover up that failure. Dealing with shame and frustrations of not understanding the process and not having a rule book for LIFE. or how to be an adult. 

Does he have a male role model (uncle parent grandfather) who can help?

Having a son myself, I might give him tasks that appeal to his becoming-man. Kind ones like opening the door for strangers (would you mind doing x - or "please do x" straightforward is better) and if he wants to try something new, ask him to assign himself a reasoning-through task. Trying it. Mental comparison. Really spend a moment thinking about it. Or with games, if he wants to play he should be in charge to learning and then setting the rules. Once he has an internal contract in his head it will be hard for him to renegotiate. Trade Autistic Secret!

Hi Juniper, He does not have role model that’s been consistently there throughout his life. I cut ties with my mother’s side of the family due to her neglectful and abusive behaviour throughout my life and I could not expose myself or my children to it any longer. That was nearly 4 years ago. My step father who M classed as his grandfather passed away in January this year after a short battle with cancer. He hadn’t seen him since before the pandemic. Ms has no relationship was his biological father. 

My youngest sons dad has been there for M since he was 6 and they get on great, we go on days out on his day off but he works 6 days a week so he’s not here a lot. 

He can be very helpful and caring towards me and his brother he’s not always tricky to be around. In he is a buddy to a primary 1 child and he is also on the STEAM committee. Do you have any suggestions of a reasoning task you mentioned above? 

He has many passions and things he’s good at. When he’s engaging in the things he enjoys he could play for hours. He loves Pokemon, he loves making clay models he’s great at drawing  things from imagination and loves story telling.  He’s at his happiest building Lego or playing with action figures and dinosaurs. 

Hi Juniper, He does not have role model that’s been consistently there throughout his life. I cut ties with my mother’s side of the family due to her neglectful and abusive behaviour throughout my life and I could not expose myself or my children to it any longer. That was nearly 4 years ago. My step father who M classed as his grandfather passed away in January this year after a short battle with cancer. He hadn’t seen him since before the pandemic. Ms has no relationship was his biological father. 

My youngest sons dad has been there for M since he was 6 and they get on great, we go on days out on his day off but he works 6 days a week so he’s not here a lot. 

He can be very helpful and caring towards me and his brother he’s not always tricky to be around. In he is a buddy to a primary 1 child and he is also on the STEAM committee. Do you have any suggestions of a reasoning task you mentioned above? 

He has many passions and things he’s good at. When he’s engaging in the things he enjoys he could play for hours. He loves Pokemon, he loves making clay models he’s great at drawing  things from imagination and loves story telling.  He’s at his happiest building Lego or playing with action figures and dinosaurs. 

Lau said:

He does not have role model that’s been consistently there throughout his life

This would be my first port of call here. He sounds as though he's identifying as male. And he's 'trying' out male assertiveness, which is overtly apparent in society around us. 

I read a few books on how to mother a son (my son's father passed away a few years ago and wasn't the best role model, but it's amazing how even a less-that-substance of a male provides useful lessons in how not to behave). I could only find really useful ones in the Psychology/Christian genre, but regardless of ones beliefs, they were incredibly helpful. One was John Eldredge's Wild At Heart & the other Cloud/Townsends The Mom Factor. 

My mother was abusive right up until she stonewalled and ghosted me but I still let my son go see her. She has a completely different respect for him. He learns added behaviours he doesn't wish to engage in while being the king of her castle for however long he can stand being there. Having blood relatives, sometimes it's better to know our own possible faults if not to just be made aware. We can all choose our own family eventually but it can cause a sort of heart-breaking jealousy in one young male to have a half-brother with a complete family. This is worth therapy, if not just to learn to express the deeper things one desires and mourn that loss. We want our men to feel familiar with this technique, even if it's in a dignified quiet and secret location. I used to take my son to therapy (NHS) to deal with difficult circumstances he had to go through with his father. He hated it, but that was OK. 80% of making it though difficult things is just Showing Up. We carried on and eventually in Uni, he sought out therapy himself. This is the way, though. Of course we all hate it at first and even a few times. We are angry about washing dishes or mindful eating. And then one day, we desire it. One always needs a hand to hold and a graceful act of acceptance. Someone to do it with us is even better. 

I had a mentor who taught me a little about speaking to men. She would pretend to be afraid of a spider or something that encourages her partners strength, just to afford a little win to her husband on occasion. She made more money than him. Apparently it helped give him confidence he wasn't taught as a child and assigned tasks he eventually would assert himself. With my son, I'll task him the rubbish and call it a "man's job". Or he'll take all the bags up 3 flights of stairs and not let me handle any. Everyone needs purpose. Many want to identify in a particular way - straight or gay male, non-binary, musician, acrobat, whatever it is, it's all OK. Sometimes if I'm a bit overbearing and my son is irritated by it, I might demand a moment to just Be a Mum "don't take away my purpose!" LOL.  

With games, as with trying something new, there is a mental step-by-step undertaking to achieve a sort of success (trying a Brussels sprout without falling out of your chair and setting the house of fire could be an achievement, here). That needs a bit of focus and a moment in a safe space to engage. I wouldn't suggest he's limited or restrained or weak before undertaking the assignment, "QUEST" or task. I would first ask him what matters of strength he'll need to summon in order to complete his journey. How do you hope to win? What will you need to get through this? What would Thor or Spiderman or X do? How should you appear should you eat something horrifying? Even if in the moment, the only mentor is a Fantasy Figure, perhaps any male he looks up to would be useful.