Son always thinking he knows better.

You're not overreacting, that was an unreasonable thing for him to do.

When everyone joins in to play a game, they are all agreeing to play by the same rules. Games are somewhat like a test for real world social interactions, as in, can you get along with everyone else, can you play fairly, do you respect everyone involved in the game. 

The thing is, right when he tried doing something different, like seeing how many balls can fit in the hippos mouth, was the moment that he stopped playing the game. He was not playing by the same rules, he was not playing with you or his little brother anymore. You kept asking him to throw the balls back into the middle, but he refused, meaning he was not playing by the same rules anymore, and he was not playing fairly, because he was hoarding all the balls and not throwing them back into the middle. And in all games, the number one thing people want most, is fairness, otherwise there's something to complain about. 

Then he broke something that was not his to break. I mean if it was an accident, then that's just happenstance, but he was purposely pushing the limits of this toy, when this toy was mainly for your younger son to enjoy and play with, and now your younger son is left with a broken toy, and that's not fair to him. Who wants lend a toy out to someone, only for them to hand it back broken (or maybe... 75% still functional?) I would absolutely hate that, because that means they did not show a drop of respect.

And maybe once he started playing "overfed hippo" instead of "hungry hippo," and when he refused a rule that would equal fair play for everyone (like to throw the balls back into the middle so that the game can continue) is when you could have called for a time out, to ask if the older son still wanted to play "hungry hippo," and that what he is currently doing is not a part of the game play, and tell him to get back on track, and get back into the game. 

Also, with the food, it's like a double-edged sword, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The thing is, you're paying for everything, and it's so wasteful and pointless for him to try new sweeties or new maple syrup, because it'll end up in the garbage, which is a waste of food, it's a waste of your money, and it's a waste of your time earning that money. I mean if your son wanted to buy new sweeties or try new foods, he should pay for it with his own money, not yours. I mean if I buy things for people with good intentions, only for them to hate it and throw it into the garbage, it hurts to see such a thing. But it'll be extremely pointless to buy something knowing they will not like it, and knowing it'll end up straight in the garbage. Even if he gets upset at not getting the new sweetie, tell him to buy them on his own. 

Hello and thank you for your reply.

When we have played games over the years he sometimes tries to switch up rules or simplify games and I find if I play a game with him myself it’s more likely to go smoothly as I can be flexible with him wanting to switch the game up, but if someone else such as his brother wanted to play the game a different way it wouldn’t be allowed and would usually cause M to become frustrated and not want to take part. 

Prior to putting the balls in the hippos mouth, he was taking the balls out of his brothers hippos area, he was doing this because he felt his brother was taking to long to put the balls back in the centre of the game. I reminded him by saying this is Js 1st time playing give him some time to take them out. He did try and wait but I could see he was wanting to move on with the game and his wee brother was taking a bit longer than M and I were at putting the balls back in the centre. Both boys were really excited and loving the game at this point. 

I’m not sure if he’s thought he’s taking to long with the balls so I’m going to sabotage the game or if he disliked the praise I gave both children or because he had seen me asking him to put the balls back in the centre as a demand.

Regardless of how he interpreted what was said/done his actions were wrong and it upset me. 

My youngest J didn’t pick up on the fact the blue hippo got broken as there wasn’t a big deal made out of it and he did want M to continue playing but M was annoyed that I had questioned him a few times on his actions and then tried to change the subject to him wanting to use the hippo J was using which then caused upset and he called J a brat stood up said I’m going to play my PS5 and walked out. 

I do believe I should challenge him a bit more with things that are wrong and not allow him to have so much control but I try to pick my battles with him as His PDA can make life really tricky for everyone in the house. 

The waste of food and money also frustrates me I see my money being spent on something that will be opened sometimes not even eaten he could just smell the food and that would put him off then the food is binned.

I know the need for him to try these new foods comes from watching you tubers who try new foods in videos and he is trying to copy what they do. I do say to him though that these people are sent these food items for free in order for the companies to gain publicity. 

The reason he dislikes most foods is also down to sensory processing struggling with tastes smells and textures This has made my son have a very limited diet, but this doesn’t stop him wanting to buy new treat foods. 

It’s so hard 

You seem to give a lot to both your sons, but I'd say that no person would understand what they have, until they don't have anything, and I don't think your older son appreciates what he has in his life, because he's been given so much. I mean, he can break a toy, be unapologetic, call your younger son a brat, and then go play ps5. Does that sound like a reasonable thing for any child to do?

I mean, I was going to suggest temporarily removing the game console for awhile until he learns to behave appropriately, but there's been enough bad stories of an angry child hurting their parents over a removed game console, that it's probably best to avoid that. But perhaps you could temporarily remove something else. I mean I used to be addicted to tv shows as a child, but once those channels got removed (which I was really angry and upset about), I needed something else to do with my time, so I started putting my goals together, I started studying, and I got straight As, and I never really went back to watching tv again after realizing my own potential. Sometimes removing something will teach you something else in life. 

I mean you’ll find he rebels against your punishments because to him it makes no sense that he’s being punished. Remember in all things his default position is likely to be that he should have complete autonomy. You’re going to have to justify every no with a reason. Otherwise when you do have to punish him for ignoring you when you say no the punishment isn’t going to make any sense, it’s just going to feel vindictive.

no matter what you do he will probably never get to a point where he trusts that you know best. At least not for years. So you’re going to have to start making it so he doesn’t have to take so many things on trust by explaining the reason for things very clearly.

Yeah my brother had a similar group of so-called "friends" while he was in school, a group of bullies. He was loyal to them too. They invited him to a house one day to hang out, and all of them ganged up on him to beat him up. He was bruised, and when he went home he looked upset and didn't want to talk to anyone. These "friends" thought it would be funny to invite my brother somewhere and then beat him up. I was really young at the time and I didn't really understand what happened, or that people could be so mean.

I totally understand that you can't use traditional parenting on these individuals, and you're doing your best to take care of everyone and yourself. And I think it's good to have somewhere to vent out your frustrations from time to time. Otherwise  stress will build up in your system, and that's not good for you. At least you have brief moments of everyone being happy and having a good time.  

Yes his PDA makes him extremely anxious and a desire to control everything makes his anxiety ease ever so slightly. He sees almost everything in life as demanding even things he enjoys can feel demanding to him. Yes PDA does make them feel like a victim when they feel wronged or controls been taken and as if they are hard done to but again I try to validate his feelings even if I don’t always agree with his feelings. 

Life pre pandemic was chaos at times with his behaviour and that’s why I try to no longer parent him by punishments, time outs removal of his favourite possessions as I now see that for years I was punishing him for his PDA profile and how devoted he is at resisting demands. He was reacting to me taking full control from him. I was the person who had to back down as he isn’t capable of doing it. 

I have done some workshops with Laura Kerbey and our local NAS branch and they opened my eyes to how traditional parenting is not going to work for individuals with PDA. I could watch Harry Thomson’s videos all day long as he gets it (he is also a PDA’r) Tigger Pritchard is also another speaker who is a PDA’r. I now try my best to model my parenting on there strategies and it works for us (well most of the time it works) I do have to let a lot of things slide and pick my battles which goes against the normal parenting but it makes life more bearable for us all.  

M is 11 years old. He has been a victim of bullying several times. Most recently he was bullied by a group of boys he believed were his friends. They took advantage of his loyalty and vulnerabilities. For a long time we’ll over a year M did not believe myself or school that these boys were taking advantage of him and the things they did to him was bullying. They would kick him in the face with a ball and say it was an accident, or he would be tripped up and again say it was an accident. It took for them to assault him by kicking him in the stomach he got badly winded and smashing his water bottle and kicking his school bag around that’s why he finally admitted they weren’t friends. M was fiercely loyal to them and on occasions they would say M this person hit me go hit them or Such and such said this to me and made me upset and M would be sent forward to say why did you do this to my friends and on occasions the person hadn’t actually done anything, the boys just wanted to see M make a fool of himself and of course M would be then the one in trouble. He went along with it all because he was hurt his so called friends were hurt. School brought it to my attention lots of times but they would always worm there way back in and unfortunately it took for M realise the hard way. 

I can’t always use these strategies I’ve learned as I am only human and at time become overwhelmed with parenting two kids on the spectrum who are totally opposite from one another and I have my own difficulties too. It’s exhausting at times and to be honest I’ve felt that way this week.

Your son seems like he tries to take control of the situation and be the authority, and even feels like he is in control of the police and sends them at you, and he'll hurt you, and he'll take anything you're afraid of and uses it against you. He does whatever he wants to do. He sounds similar to my older brother. I'm not sure how old your older son is though.

I mean in school my brother was the school bully, and when the other students finally stood up for themselves and attacked him back, he always claimed afterwards that he was the "victim" of school bullying, and he justified his own actions of bullying them as "defending himself" from bullies, even though he bullied them first for the fun of it, because he gets a joy out of causing pain and suffering to others.

Anything you do to your son to reprime him for his actions, makes him into the so-called victim, and you as the so-called offender, so it's difficult for you to discipline him, because he does not react in a typical way other children would, and he'll go to extreme lengths to get what he wants (not eating, calling the police, attacking you).

It's very difficult to handle these types of behaviors. I mean on the odd day they seem to be doing okay, and then they get frustrated and everything turns upside-down. I know that normal disciple like from books and other conventional methods does not really work on these types of people. And these types of people have a lot of demands, and it's either you do it for them, or you don't, and if you don't, they go to an extreme length to get you to do it for them using any means necessary at their disposal. They don't take no for an answer, and will punish you in return for not getting what they want. That's a very difficult thing for you to handle as a parent. 

Your son seems like he tries to take control of the situation and be the authority, and even feels like he is in control of the police and sends them at you, and he'll hurt you, and he'll take anything you're afraid of and uses it against you. He does whatever he wants to do. He sounds similar to my older brother. I'm not sure how old your older son is though.

I mean in school my brother was the school bully, and when the other students finally stood up for themselves and attacked him back, he always claimed afterwards that he was the "victim" of school bullying, and he justified his own actions of bullying them as "defending himself" from bullies, even though he bullied them first for the fun of it, because he gets a joy out of causing pain and suffering to others.

Anything you do to your son to reprime him for his actions, makes him into the so-called victim, and you as the so-called offender, so it's difficult for you to discipline him, because he does not react in a typical way other children would, and he'll go to extreme lengths to get what he wants (not eating, calling the police, attacking you).

It's very difficult to handle these types of behaviors. I mean on the odd day they seem to be doing okay, and then they get frustrated and everything turns upside-down. I know that normal disciple like from books and other conventional methods does not really work on these types of people. And these types of people have a lot of demands, and it's either you do it for them, or you don't, and if you don't, they go to an extreme length to get you to do it for them using any means necessary at their disposal. They don't take no for an answer, and will punish you in return for not getting what they want. That's a very difficult thing for you to handle as a parent. 

Yeah my brother had a similar group of so-called "friends" while he was in school, a group of bullies. He was loyal to them too. They invited him to a house one day to hang out, and all of them ganged up on him to beat him up. He was bruised, and when he went home he looked upset and didn't want to talk to anyone. These "friends" thought it would be funny to invite my brother somewhere and then beat him up. I was really young at the time and I didn't really understand what happened, or that people could be so mean.

I totally understand that you can't use traditional parenting on these individuals, and you're doing your best to take care of everyone and yourself. And I think it's good to have somewhere to vent out your frustrations from time to time. Otherwise  stress will build up in your system, and that's not good for you. At least you have brief moments of everyone being happy and having a good time.  

Yes his PDA makes him extremely anxious and a desire to control everything makes his anxiety ease ever so slightly. He sees almost everything in life as demanding even things he enjoys can feel demanding to him. Yes PDA does make them feel like a victim when they feel wronged or controls been taken and as if they are hard done to but again I try to validate his feelings even if I don’t always agree with his feelings. 

Life pre pandemic was chaos at times with his behaviour and that’s why I try to no longer parent him by punishments, time outs removal of his favourite possessions as I now see that for years I was punishing him for his PDA profile and how devoted he is at resisting demands. He was reacting to me taking full control from him. I was the person who had to back down as he isn’t capable of doing it. 

I have done some workshops with Laura Kerbey and our local NAS branch and they opened my eyes to how traditional parenting is not going to work for individuals with PDA. I could watch Harry Thomson’s videos all day long as he gets it (he is also a PDA’r) Tigger Pritchard is also another speaker who is a PDA’r. I now try my best to model my parenting on there strategies and it works for us (well most of the time it works) I do have to let a lot of things slide and pick my battles which goes against the normal parenting but it makes life more bearable for us all.  

M is 11 years old. He has been a victim of bullying several times. Most recently he was bullied by a group of boys he believed were his friends. They took advantage of his loyalty and vulnerabilities. For a long time we’ll over a year M did not believe myself or school that these boys were taking advantage of him and the things they did to him was bullying. They would kick him in the face with a ball and say it was an accident, or he would be tripped up and again say it was an accident. It took for them to assault him by kicking him in the stomach he got badly winded and smashing his water bottle and kicking his school bag around that’s why he finally admitted they weren’t friends. M was fiercely loyal to them and on occasions they would say M this person hit me go hit them or Such and such said this to me and made me upset and M would be sent forward to say why did you do this to my friends and on occasions the person hadn’t actually done anything, the boys just wanted to see M make a fool of himself and of course M would be then the one in trouble. He went along with it all because he was hurt his so called friends were hurt. School brought it to my attention lots of times but they would always worm there way back in and unfortunately it took for M realise the hard way. 

I can’t always use these strategies I’ve learned as I am only human and at time become overwhelmed with parenting two kids on the spectrum who are totally opposite from one another and I have my own difficulties too. It’s exhausting at times and to be honest I’ve felt that way this week.