Daughter is losing the will to live

We are in urgent need of help. My daughter, 15, is in a really bad place. Her mental health is getting worse. This is all down to school. She wasn't in school Monday, my choice, but she was back in yesterday. She had a great day to start off with, did all her work, including English work which she never does. Did really well until lunch, where she started struggling, because her classroom was busy and noisy. After lunch she did maths in the school foyer/ hall but she really struggled because school was very noisy. It was raining and people couldn't go outside on the swing to calm down and do what they usually do. This caused chaos and the whole school was kicking off and struggling, meaning many students had to be held and hurt teachers. There was no where quiet for her to go so she was stuck in a noisy area. This then made her kick her staff, and was very overwhelmed. She did not have to be held. When a room was available she went into it and called dad, this is what the school put in place to keep her from wandering around school. 

She was very unsettled yesterday and to add to that, she is excluded the rest of the week. She's not happy and she left the house when I told her that, and didn't answer my calls and messages and didn't know where she was and we were worried because it was dark and very cold. We then had no choice but to call police and report her missing. She then called me later on and I picked her up and usually going for a walk calms her but didn't this time, she was out for hours, walked so far. She was a mess, in a very bad state. She's fed up with school always excluding her and she said this, "If they treat the students fairly, I'm guessing no one will be in tomorrow (today)". Every one had a bad day and was lashing out. Some people worse than my daughter so what will happen to them. She's been excluded for the rest of the week. Me and her father are calling the school today become we are just fuming with the school. The want her to learn but she's never there to learn. They put stuff in place and she did what was right, which she struggled to do. She had a good day, apart from kicking her staff. 

She's never been aggressive towards people in school. She has had a bad time at previous schools and we kept moving her which did not help. We believe she has PTSD due to the last mainstream school she went to. That was torture for her. Sent home and excluded, goes back to school and gets sent home and excluded. It was the same, so that's why we moved her. She's really struggling. She thinks this exclusion is unfair, and she's done worse things and didn't get excluded this long. She was struggling and no one took that into account so she lashed out. The school isn't a good fit for her. She's around challenging behavior and she is now very aggressive and never used to be. Is she not allowed to struggle? We do want to pull her out but we know that it will upset her deeply and will cause major issues. We don't know what to do. She's really struggling and doesn't want to go back fearing the same thing will happen but at the same time she does enjoy it a bit and doesn't want to leave. She refuses to be home schooled, done this previously. This school has made her worse. What do I do? I just want her to be happy. 

  • An old school friend of mine was like that; to be honest, puberty is a tough cookie.

  • This sounds very similar to how I was when I was at school. I since have discovered that I’m autistic (self diagnosed) and in retrospect a lot of my behaviour at school can be explained. I couldn’t cope with the anxiety of the classroom, missed a lot of classes, and didn’t have any friends. The teachers didn’t understand, and I was just expected to get through it. Some schools just don’t understand that some children might want to learn but cannot cope with a school environment. And then lashing out or bad behaviour is then labelled as being a “problem child” when really the problem is the school. A lot of the time it is down to the parents fighting for their children, and because there are things that can be put in place, but schools often don’t do this. It’s very unfair, especially as your daughter has been excluded, it seems to me that this seems to be the solution when the school doesn’t help in a proper way. I hope your daughters struggles ease soon (I would like to say it gets better, and even though I have struggled a lot less since leaving school, it is still hard). 

  • Hi PA,

    I read your post and the threads after.

    It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to gain support and understanding for your daughter.  It is incredibly difficult and exhausting seeing someone you love go through such torment.  You are doing your best.  I hope that you are getting support for yourself so you can also have an outlet for your feelings.

    Sending healing vibes.

    H:-)

  • Don't worry about it Echo, there's been no action taken and I'm not upset. Just a worried parent looking out for my daughter at the moment. Last of my worries if you accidently report me as abusive, because I've accidently done it to someone else before so I know how you feel. 

  • This is an independent school and the school are trained and are amazing with the students and they do try their best in the worst of times. Sometimes my daughter is just too aggressive and they have no choice but to give her space for everyone's safety. They really do hate it when they witness her hurting herself but they have no choice but to leave her be. 

    Shes had many therapies and she's not willing to have any more help and CAMHS were rubbish when we saw then last year. I have had to call 999 many times but now I leave it until the last minute when I can, like when she's done a runner from home, because she's been taken out of my care many times because they think I'm neglecting her and anytime the police or emergency services are called, there's a big red flag and the next day we have child and social services calling. In the past, we have learnt that she definitely hates them and they make the situation 10 times worse. 

    She's been on medication and it had no effect, just made everything worse. She was hospitalised for months last year, in and out, because we called the emergency services or the public did, and the only way they could control her was by knocking her out with drugs so she can't move and looked paralysed and she couldn't talk or communicate. It was horrible. 

    She did headbanging even more today, not as bad but still it's serious. She was luckily in a calmer state so they had to hold her and they protected her from doing herself harm, putting a cushion in between the wall and her head and another one from her head and her knees because she was banging her head on her knees aswell as head butting staff so hands we put there to stop her. They usually handle the situation well but she can be too aggressive that anyone in her sight will be injured. 

  • Hi, is this an independent school or a maintained one?  Do they have clinical psychologists on site?  It might be worth seeing a child psychiatrist if you haven't done so already. Has your daughter been provided any therapy like CBT at school or privately? Has CAMHS provided an intervention? I am surprised that NHS mental health services haven't intervened. Banging her head is self harming and serious enough for CAMHS to take notice and provide help. Have you tried calling the 999 anytime?  I don't know if that would help of course. Although medication should be the last resort, it might be that she might need something to contain her anxiety.  I am not an expert of course. Just another parent of an autistic kid thinking about what could be done.  I do understand how it feels. The whole family suffers when the kid suffers. 

  • I forgot to mention that I am currently in a state where I am losing the will to live because I struggle with making genuine and meaningful connections with other people, so I completely understand how she feels. 

    However, I find that reminding myself that everyone was born for a reason and that there is always something out there for everyone to not lose hope.  

    I hope this helps!

  • I'm so sorry to hear about this, I can completely relate to what your daughter is experiencing as I have been there myself.  School staff really lack training in working with students with special needs, and I commend your daughter for staying strong despite her difficulties.  Do not worry, I am sure that there will be a school and a community out there to support her, and I really believe that she will live a happy life!  

  • Parenting Autism I am SO sorry but I think that I may have reported you as abusive by mistake . I was on my notifications and my phone froze and was flashing on and off and swapping random pages. I was pressing buttons trying to get it to stop. Next thing I know I saw a screen of you saying 'reported as abusive' :-o.  I couldn't change it but I have messaged to say that it was an error but I wanted to let you know so that it doesn't upset you. I am really sorry!

    If anyone knows how I can stop it would you please let me know.  Thank you. 

  • She is in a specialist school and they are still getting to know her and her behavior and how to help. She's had an amazing week and I'm I'm proud of her so are the school. Today she struggled because her usual staff weren't in because they are out with other students for end of term reward, which she did yesterday. She was worried about this and they new this would be a trigger so extra support was put in place but this still ended up with her struggling. They had to call me for advice because she was in a safe place, small sensory room, but was chucking stuff our the room and was headbaging against the wall and refused a pillow to keep her safe, and she said that she nearly knocked herself out. We had a chat when she got home so she could explain everything and she said she banged her head on a door and it felt like her brain moved and all she could see was white and she nearly fell over and felt dizzy and like she was going to pass out. It really hurt, she said. School didn't see her do that one but the rest they did and when they called, I told them to give her space because she's probably had enough for one day. She only head bangs in school, not here at home, which i don't understand. And she has never done it before until starting at that school.

    What do I do regarding keeping her safe because she has put a hole in the school wall, by kicking it, and has hurt her foot. Aswell as her banging her head because it does hurt her when she's calmed down, and she won't let anyone help. She apparently spent 20 ish minutes repeatedly banging her head against the wall quite forcefully. But they can't and won't do anything to help but chuck a pillow in the room. What will she do with that. She won't use it in a bad frame of mind. What do I do? 

  • Dear ParentingAutism

    You may find the following information useful. 

     

    The following page contains a lot of helpful information about education for a child with an autism: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education 

    This includes information regarding getting extra support for your child in their education setting.  

    You may want to contact our Education Rights Service who provides information, support and advice on educational provision and entitlements. Please see the following link for further information: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/education-advice-line 

    Alternatively, you may be interested in contacting our School Exclusions service. The School Exclusions Service offers advice and information to parents of children and young people on the autism spectrum on all aspects of school exclusion in England.  

     If you would like to access this service, you can find more information and an online enquiry form here: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/school-exclusion-servic

    Kind Regards,

    Suzanne Mod 

  • Hi, is your daughter in a special school?  If not, is this an option?  It doesn’t sound like her school is safeguarding the children in their care very well and they’re not helping the children to stay emotionally regulated.  If it is a special school, I’d be concerned your daughter isn’t being given enough support to help her needs and would book a meeting with the head teacher and SENDCo.  There should be more in place than one swing to help children regulate.  We used a home school system for a year but it didn’t work for our son.  He finds self starting difficult so a school environment was better for him and luckily he is at a good special school that understands his needs.  Hopefully your daughter can get some good support soon. You and your husband sound very supportive and the school now needs to give that good support too.

  • Honestly I read that and I know that you are a stranger but I was so proud. You are really doing a great job, nobody is perfect but you are trying your best and you are trying even avenue. It sounds like you have got her into a good school, so fingers crossed. Nobody can ask of more than that.

    I watch an autistic family on You Tube but they don't really match your family I don't think. Maybe that's another place to try though and see what they do.

  • Oh dear. At least school is trying and not giving up. They are trained to deal with this challenging behavior and have there own way on doing things supporting the students needs. That's why I like it slightly but still I don't think it's the best because it's made her worse, unless she's starting to feel settled and unmask because I feel like she's masked to fit in all her life, which is why we never saw the symptoms until a major changed then she was diagnosed and since then she's getting worse but I think she's just being herself now, unmasking and knowing why she struggled so much and that there are positives and negatives. Also because there is an underlying issue which she can't control but can learn to manage and that she can just relax knowing the reason she was so troubled and struggled so much. 

  • At least these schools are trying.

    The special school I attended in the 1970s just gave up.  It was a school in name only.  I remember one girl, around ten, who spent hours just sitting in silence under a table tennis table.  The staff were happy because she didn't give them any trouble.

  • I agree, I don't think school is for her but she's not giving up so I'm putting up a fight for her as well. 

  • The hard truth is that for some children, schools, all schools are a toxic environment.

  • Thank you so much for this response. We've tried homeschooling but with her elopement and running off, it was hard and she just didn't enjoy it. She did an online school before so she could work from home, she did well but then started leaving the online room and started to wander from home again. Schools have done nothing to help over the few years. She is now in a school specializing in autism, and she is on 1:1 and does work suitable for her and she can choose what she does. It helps but I see where your coming from in terms of the exclusion and going back to school. It's happened before in previous schools. 

    I spoke to her school over the phone today and they are putting some extra support in place to make things work, especially to meet her Sensory needs. She has calmed down a lot now and I've stayed at home instead of working today to make sure she's safe and alright. She did a bit of maths colouring today but then got distracted and started sleeping, playing on her phone, watching TV. That's why homeschooling doesn't work. I tried to limit the distractions but sometimes its not enough. Hopefully next week will be better for her. She's going to the zoo with 2 staff next week so she wants to do well so she can go. It's a very hard situation especially when she wanders from home but we are hanging in there, trying our best to support her. That's all she needs right now. Knowing someone is there for her.