• Replies 12 replies
  • Subscribers 72 subscribers
  • Views 5531 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Lying & controlling impulses - urgent advice please

Deb70001

Hi, I've not posted on here before but I'm lost and in need of help and advice.  I have a dearly loved 17 year old daughter who was diagnosed a year ago with autism (aspergers was the description).   She is also dysgraphic, dyspraxic and dyscalculic and generally has a complicated learning profile yet despire all of that has just achieved 7 good GCSE passes which is amazing.   She is now at a FE college studying for A'levels.  My specific question for the forum is about lying and controlling behaviour impulses.  So many children lie and teenagers particularly (I'm the Mum of 2 adult neurotypical sons too so have got through it twice!) but my daughter lies about everything to everyone.  It could be telling us she has had lunch at college when she hasn't, to  more serious stuff like creating multiple personalities and life histories which she tells everyone from friends at college to people she has met online.  She has so little life experience having been alone so much as she has struggled to make and keep friends that she makes things up to pretend thats not the case but is attracting the wrong people and making the wrong claims (for example of sexual experience when she has none).  Also even more worrying she has been engaging with an online anime gaming community and we discovered she had been talking to a man online and it turns out he got her to take her top off etc etc.  Grim stuff.  She is telling people he's her boyfriend but they've never met and i think he may be in the US (but dont' know this).  I recently found her without enough clothes on talking to him and so have taken away laptop and phone and am now beside myself with worry about what I've found and trying to figure out how to protect her.  Of course I've talked relentlessly about this over the years to her and of course now again too about the terrible danger she could place heerself in. Unfortunately when I took her phone away I squeezed arm gently in the struggle as she didn't want to give it up and now she has told friends I physically abused her.  She even wrote to her tutor at college at the suggestions of her friends, so I've had to talk to the safeguarding person - who ended the conversation telling me I was amazing - as i sobbed.  Her 'best friend' suggested she go to a run away shelter yet she can barely speak to people or function when anxious - her flight and fight is to shut down so some friend. 

My husband (her Dad) and I feel completely out of our depth and are so worried about her and just don't know what to do when she goes back to college on Monday.  We know she will lie to everyone and I just don't want to give her her phone back, but I also want her to be able to reach us.  We gave her the laptop back to do college work briefly and she has recontacted the man online as she just doesn't get it.  We don't know to protect her as she just doesn't get the inappropriateness or risk.  In addition and perhaps linked, before this, we opened a bank account for her to try and teach her budgetting (she can barely count money) we thought being able to tap a card would help her and we wanted her to pay to get home if she needed as her college is a distance away.  However as soon as she had the account, she spent everything we put into it on junk items she bought online and then despite us talking to her about it, when we put a bit more money in so she could buy her lunch at college or some cash in an emergency she did it again.     It seems like she can't control her impulses including to stop lying.  This is all made worse because i's almost impossible to talk to her about it as she shuts down and becomes mute.  She finds expressing nay difficult emotion or experience very challenging so its hard to make progress but occassionally I seem to break through andthen the she goes straight back to where she was  

My husband and I are trying to work out next steps and wondered about looking for a clinical pscyhologist  - although she will lie to them I fear so they will need to be good to get through that!  But is that the right approach?  I wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar and if you have any tips or ideas of what we should be doing.  My beloved girl is awesome when she is her and doesn't need to be anyone else.  She is bright, kind, compassionate, prinicpled and funny but the tragedy is too few people see it and I'm so fearful she will come to harm now she is officially nearly an adult, yet so far from it.

Any ideas so very welcome.  Thank you.

Parents

  • Hi,

    I am going to split this answer in a few sections as there clearly are numerous issues needing a few different approaches.

    As you say, teens often do lie but she's at an age where some of these are not your problem or business so no need for you to do anything to or for her re certain ones. Try to let these ones go:

    Tales about sexual experiences - normal

    Exaggerating popularity - normal

    Different online personas - normal (teens experiment with different ones while discovering who they are. With ASD this perhaps could be more pronounced).

    Saying yes I'd lunch - normal teen way of saying please get off my back. (It happens in eating disorders too but unless there's other reasons to worry about an eating disorder then don't worry and asking/ finding out will never help in either case.

    Next:

    Online sexual behaviour: this is very common in teens (my friend did back in the day but it went no further so no harm came) but of course concerning. The main thing to do is not nag and always be approachable and nonjudgemtal - that way if anything happens, she has a safety net in the form of adults who can help. I'm reminded of the book "finding Stevie" by Cathy Glass a true story which got really ugly so may be worth her while reading but don't force it. If you read it don't focus on the scariness but on what can be learned from how the adults in it helped.

    Questions - I don't ask these to jedge but these are important ings to ask oneself to see where adjustments and improvements can be made:

    How did you find out all the above? Unless she told you herself, you may be invading her privacy beyond at is appropriate at 17. I know it's tempting to spy when worried but it must not be done and will only cause reactive distrustful behaviour.

    Another question: why have you taken her phone? Again too much for a 17 year old. Especially if she's socially isolated - it is vital at her age in the modern world to be able to socialise normally and communicate better. Please return it.

    If you keep going that far with snooping and confiscation, you might find yourself guilty of coercive control which is a crime under domestic violence law.

    Next question: you say struggle? So you were physically pulling the phone from each other? Confiscation does not work this way so unfortunately this is actual theft at that age. This means she did nothing wrong by telling her tutor or friend. Whether her story to her friend was accurate or not, the friend's response was responsible - if you heard a lady tell you about a husband getting physical and you didn't know whether she was truthful, isn't that what you'd tell her? So that is a compassionate friend who she should keep especially if she has trouble keeping friends.

    Clearly she is upset by however you have behaved so whatever needs to happen on her end, you on your end need to self-examine and think about how to change your approach and or attitude. Bear in mind most things in life are not black & white. Perspective differs so what may not be intended as abuse on your end may feel like abuse on her end and it doesn't mean either of you is lying. Also ASD usually comes with sensory processing differences so something light to you may be very painful to her. Family therapy as mentioned above is definitely the way to go. It's not about parent shaming so don't be afraid and get that referral going A.s.a.p

    Moving on to money:

    If she is dyscalculic, difficulty with money would be no surprise. I think people can't learn with invisible money so use cash and give her a weekly allowance so she will have to make it last the week. If she's not useto is since early idhood, it will takplenty of time anmistakes to learn.

    If she is shutting down around you, it commonly means being afraid or intimidated so this will again require change of approach and attitude on your end. Again family therapy is vital and also individual psychotherapy for her.

    With all these things explaining each issue you mention, the roots don't seem to point to impulse problems nor any other disorder. The existing diagnoses plus family, relationship and emotional issues would explain away everything mentioned.

    So here's the issues with with next steps to take:

    Certain life skills: Occupational therapy (no teen wants to listen to their parents so better from someone specially trained in these who she finds good)

    The relationship between you: Family therapy is vital

    Your difficulty with her: self-reflection, techniques like mindfulness to help with letting go, learning and practising listening types and changing certain behaviours to allow her privacy without snooping and to make her own mistakes while you're available when she asks but not hovering.

    Her emotions and diffilculty with you: individual counselling psychotherapy. If the therapist knows cbt that can be a plus but cbt on its own will not be what she needs.

    It is vital that the therapists do not report back to you what she's saying. Do not worry if it will be truthful or not. If anything is leaked to you, she will never feel able to be honest with them and will get worse and rebel further. With people she can trust, your will make progress especially with the positive traits you mention already inside her. People commonly find that with psychotherapies, they find they get to know and understand themselves and their life and others better which leads to personal growth, maturation and easing of personal issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    There's no harm in getting psychotherapy or couple therapy yourselves too during this stressful time. We could all do with therapy!

    I have experience from many different angles covering most if not all of these issues so I can tell you there is hope. First stop is your GP for each of those referrals.

    Best of luck to you, your husband and children!

Reply

  • Hi,

    I am going to split this answer in a few sections as there clearly are numerous issues needing a few different approaches.

    As you say, teens often do lie but she's at an age where some of these are not your problem or business so no need for you to do anything to or for her re certain ones. Try to let these ones go:

    Tales about sexual experiences - normal

    Exaggerating popularity - normal

    Different online personas - normal (teens experiment with different ones while discovering who they are. With ASD this perhaps could be more pronounced).

    Saying yes I'd lunch - normal teen way of saying please get off my back. (It happens in eating disorders too but unless there's other reasons to worry about an eating disorder then don't worry and asking/ finding out will never help in either case.

    Next:

    Online sexual behaviour: this is very common in teens (my friend did back in the day but it went no further so no harm came) but of course concerning. The main thing to do is not nag and always be approachable and nonjudgemtal - that way if anything happens, she has a safety net in the form of adults who can help. I'm reminded of the book "finding Stevie" by Cathy Glass a true story which got really ugly so may be worth her while reading but don't force it. If you read it don't focus on the scariness but on what can be learned from how the adults in it helped.

    Questions - I don't ask these to jedge but these are important ings to ask oneself to see where adjustments and improvements can be made:

    How did you find out all the above? Unless she told you herself, you may be invading her privacy beyond at is appropriate at 17. I know it's tempting to spy when worried but it must not be done and will only cause reactive distrustful behaviour.

    Another question: why have you taken her phone? Again too much for a 17 year old. Especially if she's socially isolated - it is vital at her age in the modern world to be able to socialise normally and communicate better. Please return it.

    If you keep going that far with snooping and confiscation, you might find yourself guilty of coercive control which is a crime under domestic violence law.

    Next question: you say struggle? So you were physically pulling the phone from each other? Confiscation does not work this way so unfortunately this is actual theft at that age. This means she did nothing wrong by telling her tutor or friend. Whether her story to her friend was accurate or not, the friend's response was responsible - if you heard a lady tell you about a husband getting physical and you didn't know whether she was truthful, isn't that what you'd tell her? So that is a compassionate friend who she should keep especially if she has trouble keeping friends.

    Clearly she is upset by however you have behaved so whatever needs to happen on her end, you on your end need to self-examine and think about how to change your approach and or attitude. Bear in mind most things in life are not black & white. Perspective differs so what may not be intended as abuse on your end may feel like abuse on her end and it doesn't mean either of you is lying. Also ASD usually comes with sensory processing differences so something light to you may be very painful to her. Family therapy as mentioned above is definitely the way to go. It's not about parent shaming so don't be afraid and get that referral going A.s.a.p

    Moving on to money:

    If she is dyscalculic, difficulty with money would be no surprise. I think people can't learn with invisible money so use cash and give her a weekly allowance so she will have to make it last the week. If she's not useto is since early idhood, it will takplenty of time anmistakes to learn.

    If she is shutting down around you, it commonly means being afraid or intimidated so this will again require change of approach and attitude on your end. Again family therapy is vital and also individual psychotherapy for her.

    With all these things explaining each issue you mention, the roots don't seem to point to impulse problems nor any other disorder. The existing diagnoses plus family, relationship and emotional issues would explain away everything mentioned.

    So here's the issues with with next steps to take:

    Certain life skills: Occupational therapy (no teen wants to listen to their parents so better from someone specially trained in these who she finds good)

    The relationship between you: Family therapy is vital

    Your difficulty with her: self-reflection, techniques like mindfulness to help with letting go, learning and practising listening types and changing certain behaviours to allow her privacy without snooping and to make her own mistakes while you're available when she asks but not hovering.

    Her emotions and diffilculty with you: individual counselling psychotherapy. If the therapist knows cbt that can be a plus but cbt on its own will not be what she needs.

    It is vital that the therapists do not report back to you what she's saying. Do not worry if it will be truthful or not. If anything is leaked to you, she will never feel able to be honest with them and will get worse and rebel further. With people she can trust, your will make progress especially with the positive traits you mention already inside her. People commonly find that with psychotherapies, they find they get to know and understand themselves and their life and others better which leads to personal growth, maturation and easing of personal issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    There's no harm in getting psychotherapy or couple therapy yourselves too during this stressful time. We could all do with therapy!

    I have experience from many different angles covering most if not all of these issues so I can tell you there is hope. First stop is your GP for each of those referrals.

    Best of luck to you, your husband and children!

Children
No Data