Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I am a single mum who was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism.
My son, who turned 4 at the weekend, is also showing lots of features of high functioning autism. He recently started pre-prep.
School are great and are supporting him with things like visual cues and timetables so he understands what's happening when and he is actually doing brilliantly at settling in. Between myself and the school, we are sorting paperwork for extra support and assessment for ASD. I am a GP which is proving quite helpful.
Seem to be having a big problem with son being overly affectionate. He has always been very cuddly which hasn't been a problem up until now (he never settled at Montessori when he was 2 so ended up stopping going so this is first time really being around lots of others). However, he is constantly hugging and being tactile with the other children in his class and they really don't like it. He has told his teacher and the class room assistant that he loves them and keeps cuddling them.
I keep trying to explain to him that while he can cuddle his family, other people don't necessarily like it and it can upset them. He doesn't seem to be taking it on board. I have mentioned to the school and on the paperwork that I am worried that him being over tactile with others will cause a problem. My mum picked him up from school today and the teacher had said to her that she will be speaking to me again about my son wanting to hug and touch the other children again as it seems to be upsetting them.
I'm not sure how else I can tackle this. He has a tendency to go around knocking down the other kids' building blocks too, again I have tried explaining and demonstrating for years that this is not kind but he doesn't take it in.
Im getting worried that because of his behaviour that he is going to be ostracized very quickly by the other children. He is a very happy little boy but I worry that he could end up in a situation where he ends up isolating himself because of his actions.
Just curious, are you in the US? I ask because while I'm from the States, I now live in the UK. One thing which is noticeably different is the invasion of personal space happens almost constantly in the US but definitely not in England. So much so, that other humans Dogs rarely if never approach strangers in the UK. Or 1 out of a few hundred may - it's Very Rare. This invasion of privacy and space and intrusiveness was something in the US that was quite overwhelming for me. Others demand you smile or command you to have a nice day and invade your private internal self. Dog owners don't teach them manners, but also people just speak to strangers as if we want to have conversations. All The Time! There are other subtle ways of invasions, Trojan horses in the most nebulous places, like this over familiarity of using a strangers First Name! I'd experience older women shoving a locked bathroom door open - as if it's out to get them - or approaching me and asking if I 'liked' whatever I ordered, even before tasting it. We don't need to discuss male domination so as to spark a tangent of discussion. But as far as respecting boundaries, the US is not where one goes to experience that. Others have no problem shoving their music or phone conversations in your space, the open space being taken up by everyones inability to curb their emotions which suck up a good deal of O2.
While I shouldn't rant... Are there subtle cues he's picking up that the world is there to cuddle and plow into? Crashing the world into bloom! It's certainly an innocent ideal. And I'd feel broken hearted for pulling him out of this before he's ready.
Unfortunately the only way to maybe help him re-think razing another Childs tower is by... gasp... doing it to him when he's enjoying the task. Of course, there's a possibility he might find it amusing and just 'roll with the punch' so to speak due to everything being so blended in together, maybe? But you don't want to be someone he can't trust, so curious if you have a single friend who can be a scapegoat?
This is tough one! I do know that for me, learning disciplined and respectful exchanges helped immensely. Learning to shake someones hand and not allow strangers to hug me (church members can be FAR too creepy / familiar). Perhaps there are books with a Gentleman's Mannerism for encountering the world which you can teach him at this young age and as he practices them, will incorporate them as grounded, proven, trusted ways of engaging. Gestures and movements that are Society-Friendly and don't have repercussions of rejection, and also create aesthetic for the world around us. Redirection techniques. They may be things you can do with him - as he will mirror you. (For instance, I'd always say, "thank you" when handing something to my son at a young age, eventually he would simply say it when handed a thing.)
Autistic individuals tend to grow up / mature slower than NTs. This is to do with language from my understanding, and our difficulties with it. While I never dreamed I'd be able to articulate how I can now in my 40s, I don't think I even started maturing how I should've around 18 until my late 20's. Acting classes and anything with a hint of solid ethics helped immensely.
I actually picked up on "have a nice day" and started using it myself to the amusement of my friends.
It struck me as quite a nice thing to wish someone.in most circumstances, but also useable as blistering sarcasm when neccesary...
LOL - most pleasantries will have underlying ethical principles. I don't disagree. Most people (assuming this means NTs) apparently remember how you made them feel (rather than what was said). So many social aims are to help others feel a sense of enjoyment, which is community building. In theory, and when I have a choice, it's fine. But when it's everywhere & you cannot even walk in a shop without someone at every door asking how you are an telling you what to do (have a nice day), it becomes more of an absurdity.