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6-year-old autistic daughter afraid of male teachers/stranger male

NAS75384

My autistic daughter is 6 years old. Her teacher told me that she was afraid of male teachers in school and hid away from them. My daughter does hide behind me if there is strange male near her.  She was definitely afraid of a male teacher (trainee) last term that she ran away from him and refused to go into the classroom. I raised the issue to the school but school claimed that the trainee was very gentle and had no problems with my daughter. Because my daughter is nearly non-verbal, it is hard to know the reasons.  She is not afraid of her dad, grandad and uncle. She is fine with most male doctors except one male doctor who does not smile. The school asked me to work with them to find a solution to help my daughter to overcome the anxiety around male teachers. Where can I get help and advice?

  • in reply to yvkaye

    She's 4. So luckily, all her baby teeth will fall out. Just book the female hygienist she likes and visit 2x year. When you visit, have conversations with the dentist and perhaps as you familiarise your self with him, she might feel more comfortable. Should you find an Autistic Dentist, most likely she will feel more comfortable with him eventually. If you live somewhere Autism is under-researched, you'll simply want to find a more introverted, specialised individual who is a bit more hyper-sensory than others. One who values precision and has maybe endearing eccentricities. These are traits we might feel more comfortable with. Be mindful of someone who appears overly "empathetic" or really connects to everyone around him, this is a trait that can sometimes be a red flag of lightly sociopathic - not bad, in fact, often good in leadership, but this type is a bit of a nemesis for our 'personalities' or 'traits'. 

    I did forget about a chap my father was friends with and worked in a lab with who was apparently the only adult male I was a little more comfortable with -over time. He was also an engineer/mathematician. Introverted, grounded, kind-hearted. 

  • My 4 yo is deathly afraid of males. Everyone assumes she was abused. Thing is she's never been away from me or my husband and he would NEVER! It's her autism. She hides behind me or covers her face. She won't even let us out her hair up because it's how she covers her face. I found this post because I'm trying to find others like her or get some wisdom. She needs to see a dentist but the only dentists in our insurance area are ALL males, all of them. We've tried before. She did great with the hygienist but when the dentist came in it was like we locked her in a dark room with the boogeyman. It was awful, especially for her. I'm so lost. I wish I could help her more. 

  • She sounds extra-sensory! There could be a few issues here. Children are far more intelligent than we give them credit for (I'm not sure if you recall being small). And autistic ones can pick up social systems/exchanges/nuances while lacking the ability to identify exactly what they may be perceiving, yet just having some emotion regarding it. Autistic children might also be collecting and connecting information from the news, internet, from interactions - incredibly subtle things you might not even notice or might take for granted that you easily understand. However, when these kids collect the information, it's conscious and since they might lack the social codes regarding how to make sense of it, it's daunting. These kids will need Hard Ethics while growing up. Some wise counsel to work out how to create boundaries while engaging with someone. 

    Society has a way of creating civilised individuals who might not otherwise behave. Social norms include not being reliable or not exhibiting trust-worthy behaviour, such as saying a thing at random and not really meaning it. There are all kinds of unsafe behaviours which are readily normalised for whatever reason: white lies, ulterior motives, hierarchal manipulations. Autistic kids will perceive the 'motive' behind the words but lack the ability to identify it. We tend to see the raw material, the internal mechanism, the structures and for children this can be too much. Men are identified far more often than women in the media and on the news for anti-social behaviour. Males can simply operate different than females. She may easily see adults in their power/control modes but not understand the limits and nuances that keep things levelled.  

    There's another part to this in that NT responses tell us that our messages are getting lost. That we are not being perceived correctly, or being misunderstood. 

    When I was young I didn't trust males, unless they were similar to my father. Although my father had a friend who beat his wife. I didn't find this out until I was older, but I remember he wasn't one I trusted. Same with my uncle - my mothers brother. He was rather aggressive and overbearing. 

    By 7, young girls have already received a hard piece of information. That males are much stronger and sometimes reckless with their bullishness than females. So, if the male isn't directly thought-full of her, he could be a threat. It can't hurt to see if there is an all girls school she might attend. And it will be keenly important for her to learn how to identify what characterises abuse or oppression, what characterises reckless but non threatening behaviour, what characterises elements of trust and who not to expect much from. This can be easily learned with a psychologist or even sometimes with a trusted local (female) C of E leader - someone who values scientific reasoning and psychology. Sometimes both can work together.