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Adult Son Abusive towards Mum

NAS74529

I am writing in hopes of getting some help for my mum (and me, I am the sister) in what seems to be a desperate situation. 

My brother who was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 24 (following a very long battle and journey to get a referal) essentially was failed by the system. The diagnosis was bitter sweet, in some ways relieving to get a confirmation of my mums innate speculation about him being on the spectrum, in other ways doing nothing but creating a label without any help. 

my brother and mother need urgent therapy and support which they never got. 

My brother begun developing aggressive behaviours towards us in 2015, often triggered by not getting a specific answer or not quite understanding certain social and human behaviour. 
first memory of this is when he lifted up his bicycle (outside) in order to prevent me and mum mum from getting passed him, blocking our way and demanding “answers”. 
My mum gets the vast majority of this directed at her. 

the problem with this is that the answers do not exist, and it gets him more frustrated especially when he cant get what he wants. 

he is 27 now and 6foot 3 and while he never hit any of us, he can be very scary when he becomes aggressive towards the surroundings. 

he once slashed my mums mattress with a knife to prevent her from sleeping because he was unhappy with her apparently showing me more attention and he wanted her to explain. 

he constantly threatens he will damage parts of the house if he doesn't get what he wants. 

there is a lot more to this than I can write here, but happy to go in detail later. 

we had to call the police twice, reluctantly and only in true emergencies as we are migrants (on settled status) and anything on his record can sabotage his and our stay here. 

he has been classified as homeless for the last 8 months and on the waiting list for housing, my mum is keeping him in her flat to prevent him rough sleeping however there have been complaints about his behaviour  and this can directly sabotage my mum’s tenancy (shes in a housing association). 

council is being useless. Our dad recently died which has created more tension and pressure on mum - council refused to let my brother “inherit” dads house that he lived in for 12 years.  I live in a different city. 

my mum doesn't want him to end up on the street but he is eating away at her. 

When you first speak to him it’s difficult to tell his vast needs as he appears to be very intelligent, interesting and capable of self reflection. 

he is not!!!! He still hasn’t fully accepted his diagnosis. 

when MIND called to assess him they asked him if he feels he needs help and he said no! They never asked for our opinion or even looked at his record. 

he is depressed, jobless and smokes weed. 

my mum is in danger. 

any help would be greatly appreciated 

thank you

Parents

  • Heh you reminded me myself several years ago when my mother took my computer because she thought that playing computer games cause my Autistic behaviours and it was actually the total war I took the washing machine out I was smashing light bulbs cutting cables I stolen money bought mobile phone and smashed it she aventually gave up after three months and I got my computer

    I will tell you that there will be no change unless he wants it and if he is not responsible enough there is not much you can do howewer maybe you should listein to your brother's needs to enable him to make that decision howewer don't make him manipulate you too much but you need to listein to him Autistic needs can sometimes be aspecially unusual Autistic people are different but for me for example repositioning items inside my room can make me very very angry and I like to sit in total darkness all the time because I don't like light howewer everyone is different I know that for neurotypicals is hard to guess Autistic needs sometimes but you need to listein if he knows that he is not understood his frustration can increase sometimes it's really hard when I ask my mother not to make me suprising tiding and she tells me that it is impossible it's really hard to calm the fury and if he lives on the flat with other people and he doesn't understand neurotypical conventions and other people doesn't understand his lifestyle it can cause tension and this can cause the spirale of aggression they bully him and he bullies them in response because what would he be supposed to do neurotypicals are often smart and even if they are bullying him they can tell that it is he who is aggressive and he being akward in this situation may not be able or not want to explain what's going on Autism impaires social interaction so that neurotypicals can even unconciously and without bad intentions make fun of you and you are completely defenceless and then they can even say that it is all your fault it happened to me many times he may not accept his diagnosis because if people are not accepting him then how would he accept himself and this can lead to such situation that you are punching yourself in head and you say to everyone that you are completely normal because you are so afraid of who you are and because of the abuse you've been through you want to push this thought as far as you can out of your head

    Please be understanding

  • in reply to Jacob D

    Oh I feel for you! My mother had the same (fv*king) superstitions over video games in her judgements of my allowing them to help my son. It makes me angry that others can be so short-sighted and incapable of even the slightest amount of reasoning to not see how they contribute to motor skills, reading, destressing and a source of connexion to others - even if it's small. Just because one is outside with other children does not logically implie connexion. And isolation is the point of entry for suicide, depression and addiction. 

    They no more cause 'autistic' behaviours than a vaccine!! It is societies marginalising of anothers differences, their games and desire for power that cause reactions they dislike. 

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