• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 69 subscribers
  • Views 3009 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Adult Son Abusive towards Mum

NAS74529

I am writing in hopes of getting some help for my mum (and me, I am the sister) in what seems to be a desperate situation. 

My brother who was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 24 (following a very long battle and journey to get a referal) essentially was failed by the system. The diagnosis was bitter sweet, in some ways relieving to get a confirmation of my mums innate speculation about him being on the spectrum, in other ways doing nothing but creating a label without any help. 

my brother and mother need urgent therapy and support which they never got. 

My brother begun developing aggressive behaviours towards us in 2015, often triggered by not getting a specific answer or not quite understanding certain social and human behaviour. 
first memory of this is when he lifted up his bicycle (outside) in order to prevent me and mum mum from getting passed him, blocking our way and demanding “answers”. 
My mum gets the vast majority of this directed at her. 

the problem with this is that the answers do not exist, and it gets him more frustrated especially when he cant get what he wants. 

he is 27 now and 6foot 3 and while he never hit any of us, he can be very scary when he becomes aggressive towards the surroundings. 

he once slashed my mums mattress with a knife to prevent her from sleeping because he was unhappy with her apparently showing me more attention and he wanted her to explain. 

he constantly threatens he will damage parts of the house if he doesn't get what he wants. 

there is a lot more to this than I can write here, but happy to go in detail later. 

we had to call the police twice, reluctantly and only in true emergencies as we are migrants (on settled status) and anything on his record can sabotage his and our stay here. 

he has been classified as homeless for the last 8 months and on the waiting list for housing, my mum is keeping him in her flat to prevent him rough sleeping however there have been complaints about his behaviour  and this can directly sabotage my mum’s tenancy (shes in a housing association). 

council is being useless. Our dad recently died which has created more tension and pressure on mum - council refused to let my brother “inherit” dads house that he lived in for 12 years.  I live in a different city. 

my mum doesn't want him to end up on the street but he is eating away at her. 

When you first speak to him it’s difficult to tell his vast needs as he appears to be very intelligent, interesting and capable of self reflection. 

he is not!!!! He still hasn’t fully accepted his diagnosis. 

when MIND called to assess him they asked him if he feels he needs help and he said no! They never asked for our opinion or even looked at his record. 

he is depressed, jobless and smokes weed. 

my mum is in danger. 

any help would be greatly appreciated 

thank you

Parents

  • I'm sorry you've had to go through this. If he is Autistic and has ADHD then the weed can potentially help. In the past I've micro-dosed when I had to do my taxes or things requiring high organisation. It helps with clarity because of how if can focus the brain in positive ways. 

    That aside, there is ALWAYS an explanation. What he doesn't realise is that neither of you have a degree in psychology, no one in your family - so it seems - has appeared to do the research at the extreme language barriers between Neurotypical individuals and Autistic. The default assumption by both parties is the other one KNOWS. When in fact, neither does. It can take years of study, but some of the fundmental differences can be acheived on your own in a library. Or even online.

    I identify with his extreme frustration. It makes me sad. And I'm sure you're confused.

    Since it sounds like you do care about your brother, it may be imperative to start finding all the resources you can to investigate how he's lived an incredibly isolated life and felt betrayed and undesired by those who are supposed to be family. Of course you're just as confused and simply need the education.

    But it will start with this. He is speaking a different form of English (or any other language you may speak) as if he is from an entirely different culture. His words may even contain a different meaning. He doesn't use telepathy in the sort of clever ways neurotypicals 'speak' to each other without speaking. His whole life he may have felt completely disconnected - as if walking around in a foreign country and never being able to learn the language. This creates invisible walls everywhere. Getting a job, asking for help, expressing something - he can't share what he's feeling properly and most likely doesn't have the tools to identify emotions. It creates an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness, forcing him to always live on the outside. Females can often just go silent. For males, being powerless in this manner is horrifying. It is like a man from early civilisation being teleported to modern society with his tribal language and acute senses in this post-industrial loud frenzy of a place. 

Reply

  • I'm sorry you've had to go through this. If he is Autistic and has ADHD then the weed can potentially help. In the past I've micro-dosed when I had to do my taxes or things requiring high organisation. It helps with clarity because of how if can focus the brain in positive ways. 

    That aside, there is ALWAYS an explanation. What he doesn't realise is that neither of you have a degree in psychology, no one in your family - so it seems - has appeared to do the research at the extreme language barriers between Neurotypical individuals and Autistic. The default assumption by both parties is the other one KNOWS. When in fact, neither does. It can take years of study, but some of the fundmental differences can be acheived on your own in a library. Or even online.

    I identify with his extreme frustration. It makes me sad. And I'm sure you're confused.

    Since it sounds like you do care about your brother, it may be imperative to start finding all the resources you can to investigate how he's lived an incredibly isolated life and felt betrayed and undesired by those who are supposed to be family. Of course you're just as confused and simply need the education.

    But it will start with this. He is speaking a different form of English (or any other language you may speak) as if he is from an entirely different culture. His words may even contain a different meaning. He doesn't use telepathy in the sort of clever ways neurotypicals 'speak' to each other without speaking. His whole life he may have felt completely disconnected - as if walking around in a foreign country and never being able to learn the language. This creates invisible walls everywhere. Getting a job, asking for help, expressing something - he can't share what he's feeling properly and most likely doesn't have the tools to identify emotions. It creates an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness, forcing him to always live on the outside. Females can often just go silent. For males, being powerless in this manner is horrifying. It is like a man from early civilisation being teleported to modern society with his tribal language and acute senses in this post-industrial loud frenzy of a place. 

Children
No Data