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Adult Son Abusive towards Mum

NAS74529

I am writing in hopes of getting some help for my mum (and me, I am the sister) in what seems to be a desperate situation. 

My brother who was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 24 (following a very long battle and journey to get a referal) essentially was failed by the system. The diagnosis was bitter sweet, in some ways relieving to get a confirmation of my mums innate speculation about him being on the spectrum, in other ways doing nothing but creating a label without any help. 

my brother and mother need urgent therapy and support which they never got. 

My brother begun developing aggressive behaviours towards us in 2015, often triggered by not getting a specific answer or not quite understanding certain social and human behaviour. 
first memory of this is when he lifted up his bicycle (outside) in order to prevent me and mum mum from getting passed him, blocking our way and demanding “answers”. 
My mum gets the vast majority of this directed at her. 

the problem with this is that the answers do not exist, and it gets him more frustrated especially when he cant get what he wants. 

he is 27 now and 6foot 3 and while he never hit any of us, he can be very scary when he becomes aggressive towards the surroundings. 

he once slashed my mums mattress with a knife to prevent her from sleeping because he was unhappy with her apparently showing me more attention and he wanted her to explain. 

he constantly threatens he will damage parts of the house if he doesn't get what he wants. 

there is a lot more to this than I can write here, but happy to go in detail later. 

we had to call the police twice, reluctantly and only in true emergencies as we are migrants (on settled status) and anything on his record can sabotage his and our stay here. 

he has been classified as homeless for the last 8 months and on the waiting list for housing, my mum is keeping him in her flat to prevent him rough sleeping however there have been complaints about his behaviour  and this can directly sabotage my mum’s tenancy (shes in a housing association). 

council is being useless. Our dad recently died which has created more tension and pressure on mum - council refused to let my brother “inherit” dads house that he lived in for 12 years.  I live in a different city. 

my mum doesn't want him to end up on the street but he is eating away at her. 

When you first speak to him it’s difficult to tell his vast needs as he appears to be very intelligent, interesting and capable of self reflection. 

he is not!!!! He still hasn’t fully accepted his diagnosis. 

when MIND called to assess him they asked him if he feels he needs help and he said no! They never asked for our opinion or even looked at his record. 

he is depressed, jobless and smokes weed. 

my mum is in danger. 

any help would be greatly appreciated 

thank you

Parents

  • You cant force anyone to help themselves that goes for autistic individuals as well. Your brother has the right to be angry and confused. You don't understand that ultimately the failures in him not getting a diagnosis when it was needed as a child makes being an adult very difficult. Not having the autism diagnosis before the age of nineteen puts you in a very venerable and stressful place because from experience in the England at age nineteen is where most educational oppitinties and training become closed off because of age concerns and it becoming increasingly difficult at twenty five because more oppitinties are no longer available for the same reasons. 

    Is their a chance that he also has ADHD because your going to have to deal with complications that having both is going to cause. You can ask your brother to referee himself for post autism support which will help him come to terms with his diagnosis and limitations which isn't easy for anyone to do by themselves. 

    You can request a needs assessment on his behalf but if he is unwilling to engage they will follow through with support. 

    Violence isn't okay. I cant tell if he is having problems regulating his emotions and they turning into angry out bursts or his threats to destroy the house are in fact threats and tantrums. 

    Needs assessment may result in help getting him get priority on the housing register. 

    Behaviours like slashing your mother mattress don't typically happen out of the blue its often a response to how you both treat the individual with autism. You use language like he is a danger and that will replay in your brothers mind and break him from the inside out. for me personally my sibling where awful growing up because I was different and i was treated poorly by mother and step dad as a result. my mother never intended to treat me this way but her resentment of being different came through. My mother has a personality disorder and that often leads to her lying and manipulating me which leads to abuse throughout the entire family but she seems to act fine around my other siblings and this mess with my head. you mother may be doing it your brother. just pay a little more attention to your mothers behaviour than your brother you would be surprised because this often happens apparently to my support workers.    

Reply

  • You cant force anyone to help themselves that goes for autistic individuals as well. Your brother has the right to be angry and confused. You don't understand that ultimately the failures in him not getting a diagnosis when it was needed as a child makes being an adult very difficult. Not having the autism diagnosis before the age of nineteen puts you in a very venerable and stressful place because from experience in the England at age nineteen is where most educational oppitinties and training become closed off because of age concerns and it becoming increasingly difficult at twenty five because more oppitinties are no longer available for the same reasons. 

    Is their a chance that he also has ADHD because your going to have to deal with complications that having both is going to cause. You can ask your brother to referee himself for post autism support which will help him come to terms with his diagnosis and limitations which isn't easy for anyone to do by themselves. 

    You can request a needs assessment on his behalf but if he is unwilling to engage they will follow through with support. 

    Violence isn't okay. I cant tell if he is having problems regulating his emotions and they turning into angry out bursts or his threats to destroy the house are in fact threats and tantrums. 

    Needs assessment may result in help getting him get priority on the housing register. 

    Behaviours like slashing your mother mattress don't typically happen out of the blue its often a response to how you both treat the individual with autism. You use language like he is a danger and that will replay in your brothers mind and break him from the inside out. for me personally my sibling where awful growing up because I was different and i was treated poorly by mother and step dad as a result. my mother never intended to treat me this way but her resentment of being different came through. My mother has a personality disorder and that often leads to her lying and manipulating me which leads to abuse throughout the entire family but she seems to act fine around my other siblings and this mess with my head. you mother may be doing it your brother. just pay a little more attention to your mothers behaviour than your brother you would be surprised because this often happens apparently to my support workers.    

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