Hello,
I need some help, please. My gorgeous boy is about to turn 7 and can be extremely anxious. He has been experiencing tummy aches, he says, everytime he has bad thoughts. I know exactly what he is thinking of now but I do not know what to say to ease his anxiety. I know it must sound silly but would you tell me what has helped your children or yourselves when you were children, please? Thank you
Thank you, Turtle. I hope your nephew is better now. My son has had anxiety related to school too and that lead to school refusal and very low self esteem. His teachers were fairly understanding but not some of the support staff which made everything more difficult. I had to reassure him things would get better although sometimes they did not. I had to point that out with the Senco to make sure he was not punished for his problematic behaviour but understood in the classroom context. I guess parenting is hard for everybody but I am finding more barriers that there should be. Hopefully things will improve more and more.
Thank you so much. Your approach to this matter is so wise and inspiring. He is thinking about death as a concept at the moment. (I apologise if this is upsetting for someone). He has discovered death affects us all and he is scared of it, of the big unknown because he cannot rationalise it. However, you are right when you say words do not matter as much as me being there for him. Again, thank you.
When my son was this age, he began asking all kinds of really massive questions. The big ones, like the issue of Fate or Free Will, the Problem of Evil. These questions that all philosophers are still grinding away at. I suddenly felt what I'm guessing my parents felt when I asked these at an incredibly young age. Sometimes all we can tell them about these is what ever hope we have: good will win or you can make choices. It really helps us think more and just letting them know that you're willing to struggle to find the answer but don't have it yet can be frustrating for a minute, but helpful in the long-term. You can depend on me And sometimes I don't know teaches reliability + trust and humility. My Dad is always the first to apologise and is OK with what he doesn't know but that doesn't stop him from going on a quest to learn! I deeply admire these traits and it's set an expectation and a standard for me in life.
Make sure you say you wish you had the words! And that you're willing to figure this out with him. Then maybe you will always have ideas, thoughts, dreams, problems to connect over :)
when i get anxiety symptoms i find that focusing on breathing, breathing in slow and deep to the count of 5 or whatever through the nose and then breathing out slow to the count of 5 through the mouth. this gets rid of any negative feel, but you must carry on doing it to keep the feeling away and carry on focusing on it until the source of your anxiety is over or gone.
I would add that the same thing happened to my nephew, where he would lose appetite, complain of stomach pains or act in strange ways towards food i.e not eat much or only eat the corners and always leave plenty and whatever was left couldn't be taken away, even though he did not want anymore.
We put this down to anxieties he was having at that time with school and his eventual refusal to go. This was evident at the time when anyone attempted to speak to him about school, where he would shut down or go into a meltdown rather than discuss anything related to school He did not like his new teacher because she did not have the patients, understanding or training as his previous teachers had who all handled him very well. The new teacher was punishing his Autistic behaviour without any understanding. This was the single most collapse of trust for him in his life thus far. When there are threats or threats of of punishment for somethings you do not understand then that can be the end of co-operation on the child's part in education. It only takes one bad teacher. The problem was he was of course too young to realise this. This teacher was the problem and not him in the grand scheme of things so in my opinion, every single thing needs to be considered with sensitive kids or those on the spectrum.
It takes great awareness which is not always easy but so necessary to realise these things at the time.
I would say in general, if there is something wrong with your child then there will always be a reason for it, just the same as when we ourselves are not feeling quite right. They are of course, little people just like us with their own lives. They just can't articulate or express what is bothering them just yet.
Never write them off. Just be there for them.
Hi, what a fantastic advice JuniperfromGallifrey. I feel better myself after reading you reply. I understand the importance of sharing the worry and I am glad he is able to do that with me. I wish I had the right words to make him feel better. I tell him to stay right in" the moment "with me but is that enough? Thank you for the link and your ideas. I will work on what you have suggested.
Excellent advice.
Thank you, Sean Fitzgerald. I find it very hard to see him question me about things he should not be thinking about at this young age. I believe that I should give his fears a voice to let them out but I want to reassure him at the same time.. And that is what I struggle with because I still have not learnt how. I am very anxious myself. He is on the waiting list for therapy and hopefully it won't be too long.
Very insightful perspective! My parents were unaware of my autism as a child, and I am not a father, but I would imagine my world would feel safer if my parents helped me express and explain myself (talking out loud is excellent) more effectively. My parents weren't mean or cruel, they definitely tried, but I think it takes a lot of patience, love, and especially true forgiveness (both on yourself and your child).
As a mother, I can say that once we speak out loud the things causing anxiety, especially if we can get help expressing them (language and identifying things can be tumultous for young humans), it Always takes power away from the thing haunting us.
It is a thing kept in secret which can fester and oppress.
All children eventually become aware of a messy and sometimes violent world. They are being told conflicting information constantly. Worse, they always lack perspective and context. They need to process out loud how their mind and internal self is attempting to cope. And they need to be able to do that without the wiser, more mature adult condeming or judging them or the issue. if this "sage" of an adult (parent or therapist or mentor) can guide the child objectively through all the complexities of their difficult or nightmarish thoughts, this child will always feel safe to bring these problems to this person. How many children just have nightmares from films they shouldn't have been exposed to, don't say anything, and eventually those thoughts become so warped and oppressive, they judge themselves to be horrible humans for even thinking of them to begin with?
The world can be a very horrifying place, it can be a fantastic place, as well. But children need to know that many of the thoughts they're struggling with Do Not come from within. They are merely recieving information from the world around and trying to process it.
View thier mental stuggles as a math problem! Allow them to say literally anything and don't flinch. Write it all down if it helps and begin to examine where it was received, how he feels about it, present ways to veiw it, and maybe there's a Disney film or Animation where the lead character had to deal with something similar? Turn it into a quest :)
Hi Nana, sorry to hear about the stressful situation with your 7-year-old. I've had bad anxiety all my life (now in my 40s). He needs familiar comfort, and likely hasn't developed healthy self-soothing techniques (he's too young). Honestly, the best thing is to try somehow to get him thinking about ANYTHING else. Try getting him talking about any topic other than the one that is causing anxiety. If he has any organisational activities (maybe like puzzles) that could also be a good distraction for the mind.
Ultimately, the source of his anxiety, his bad thoughts, will need to be addressed, but I would seek some professional (doctors) help to ensure it's done in a safe and comforting way. Best of luck!
