Feeling Broken

Hello All, I have just spent the past 40 minutes sobbing into my husband’s chest, I’m so tired, and broken. My 11 year old son was diagnosed ASD in February. For the past 18 months we have pleaded for help with his behaviour, as he is aggressive towards myself and his 8 year old brother. I’m told daily what a horrible mom I am, that I don’t care or love him, he constantly wishes his brother dead, breaks and destroys his brothers toys and it’s tearing my family apart. Although he is physically aggressive and has bruised myself and his brother, he has never physically hurt his dad or older sister, but they too are both subjected to verbal abuse and threats. We all bend over backwards to accommodate him, his wants and needs, often to the detriment of his siblings and still it’s not good enough. I’m at the point where I’m frightened at times to be left alone with him, because the minute myself or his brother do something he doesn’t like the aggressive behaviour begins. I can’t keep calling my husband when he’s at work it’s so unfair. 
Once we received our diagnosis we were discharged from CAMHs, school have put a referral in for early help from social services but I just feel so lonely and tired. I just need to vent.

  • The NAS does have specialist child therapists. One suggested Yuko Yoshida's Raising Children with Asperger's Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism, which might give you some pointers. The headache with this in 7 or 8 year olds is that they get very conflicting messages from society as to how to settle to its norms which they can't cope with. It's much harder if you can't drop into a pattern of peer behaviour.

  • Thank you all for taking the time to respond, it’s made life feel less lonely x

  • Jeliousy is a dificult thing for the autistic mind to process. He sees his younger brother having an easier time of it than he did, both because your parenting has improved over time and because, I’m assuming, his brother isn’t autistic. And he’s like why does he get it so easy when  it was so hard for me then, when it’s so hard for me now. Am I loved less? 

    he looks at all the experiences his younger brother has and asks why it was never like that for him? Let’s play autistic childhood bingo. Birthday parties nearly no one comes to, ‘friends’ who are constantly finding excuses not to invite you to things, teachers who only ever treat you like a problem and don’t actually nurture your mind. He knows all of that isn’t normal now because he has a front row seat for what it’s like for his brother to grow up. And so it seems he’s come to hate him for it.

    you say you bend over to accommodate his wants? I’m not sure he’d be able to voice clearly what he wants. More likely it’s what he doesn’t want he’s vocal about. You should sit him down sometime and ask him about what he realy wants. Not ‘you have option x or option y’ stuff but more the write in your own answer kind of thing. What’s missing from his life that makes him angry. Because it’s often the absence of things we long for and feel ought to be there that can inspire the most frustration and rage.

  • Hi. I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. While I cannot offer much (any) advice, please know that you are not alone. My daughter is not yet diagnosed, but we (through advice from school) are certain that she has autism. She is 8, 9 next month. Her behaviour towards others is awful, especially her brother, who is only 4. I am also completely, emotionally exhausted. My husband is great and supports where he can, but she uses me as a crutch all the time. She won't sleep alone, won't play alone, and sometimes won't even shower alone. We have had to completely adjust the way we parent her, which has reduced the meltdowns, both in terms of numbers and severity, but she struggles with both sensory overload and Uncertainty Intolerance (massive anxiety) on a daily basis. As we don't have a diagnosis, we have limited access to services, but to be honest even when we do get one I'm not sure what's out there. 

    Do you have family that he could stay with overnight to give you some respite? 

  • Hi LL1983,

    Thank you for sharing this with our community. I am sorry you're going through such a tough time.

    While we are waiting for the community to respond, you may take a look at our page about family relationships- a guide for parents and carers, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/parents-and-carers#H2_0

    I hope this helps. Take care!

    Kind regards,

    Eunice Mod

  • so sorry you are having such n awful time right now

    here is a link to aggessive behaviour

    read to see if it is any help

    www.autism.org.uk/.../distressed-behaviour